Just for now...

I haven't texted Greg in almost a week; but he hasn't tried to reach out to me either. Things with Dave are always left unsaid but lately; I have seen a little more effort being put towards our relationship. But I won't get my hopes up because it's too early to tell if this will actually stick; there is always next week where things can look downward especially because everyone is home now. I will be seeing less and less of Dave and more and I don't know whether I plan on utilizing that time to catch up with people and work or of I'm be seeing a lot of my room this month. Things are subject to drastically change for the next three months and I know that if they do; I won't be able to keep myself together. So just like I Sao this is "just for now"

You don't know the first thing about love or a relationship. You have me broken, again and I literally have no idea what to do. I don't remember the last time we had a good night or the last time I went to bed without crying or without my stomach in knots. I feel like I'm losing you or that I've already lost you and your just holding onto this because you want to be strong enough to prove a point to her. Why do you have to pull my along for the rise; I'm not a toy im just a girl just a person who is pathetically in love with you. This is all something that you will never take note of or see without it being brought to your attention. I'm completely tired of what's behind and to be honest what's ahead of me. I've been pushed backwards yet again and it's something that I can't imagine happening. I'm not myself and that's something that doesn't settle well inside. All I have is myself; I push people away to distance myself because I have no other choice. I just want my thoughts to be to myself not only bc I don't trust anyone but because my words and thoughts and these stupid websites couldn't mean less to anyone else other than myself. I don't have anyone to talk to, not a single person. The closest person I have in mind is jimmy and I'm not even sure why.

Tupac

"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real. "-Tupac Shakur

I guess they're right, people never change; not unless they truly want to change themselves. This constant misunderstanding of who does what wrong and who we trust and what we don't like and vis versa will never end unless the games that are played "behind the scenes" are finished. I will never truly be okay; I feel like deep down I will never mature into who I really strive to become, and get passed what I have held onto for so long. This feeling that I cannot let go of will be the death of me. Everyday the thought of something being wrong with me eats at my stomach and mind; it has for the last 5 years and it takes a toll out of you after a while. I know that I am not the best looking or the nicest or even the smartest girl in the world. I know that I have a lot of flaws and I'm hard to get along with or please I know that I have an issue with letting people into my life to fully understand me and I understand that without trust there is nothing so i have learned to build up relationships based on anything but trust. I expect the worst out of relationships because I have never been given a reason not to; not even with this one.

I don't want to live in the past anymore I want to move on with my life so that is the sole reason as to why I gave up talking about it. I lost alot more than I gained when I was younger; something that most teenagers can relate to. But I have lived and relived my past more times than I can remember. I try my best to keep moving forward and forgetting about what has happens but I have clearly been unsuccessful in doing so.

I know that I don't catch everything because I can't always be on top of everything. But I shouldn't feel like I have to be. I find things out and I set people up to see if they will lie about it and usually they do; almost always they do. Most of the time about little stupid things but if they knew they werent doing something wrong they wouldn't be lying about it. I know how to tell when something is wrong or Jen something seems out of place and I have never been wrong before. I keep gregs message as a reminder that I have real friends who see more in me than what meets the eye. Not because I have "other options" or because I want to pursue that plan; there is a reason as to why were not on the same page, there's a reason as to why we never amounted to anything and why he isnt here. I never say never buy he is just not an option at this point in my life. But that doesn't mean he doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't mean he is someone who I want to stop talking to and lose a
Friendship. He is very good at beating and defusing an awkward situation so i know that if we were to stop talking again; it has potential to be okay when we start talking again; but that will not be because Dave makes me not talk to him. Someone who is as sketchy and sneaky and has done whatever yet still "does him" doesn't deserve to own that much of me. I will never let this go it will always eat away at me; because I'm not stupid I am not an idiot, I'm a person with feelings who just wants to get by. The baby bullshit has got to go and I don't see that happening any time soon.

I love you. Il always love you. I love you more than I'm comfortable with bc someday; soon or not I will be let down again. I will be hurt all over again. I sometimes believe in this relationship as more than it really is; I sometimes imagine and see this as more than I should because it's not very often I see you doing the same. I love you like some pathetic little girl; some child who has never been Hirt before and that scares me the most.

And sometimes I just think of better times: when I wanted to be around. I'm not sure whAt happened to tonight but my whole outlook in the outcome failed miserably. I wish I could explain how I felt or feel; but my feelings seem to diminish once they come. One day they will be gone; I'm just waiting, just like every other lose soul out there.

djklp

its 430 am and i have had all night to myself; to write anything and everything i have needed to say in the last few months that i havent gotten the chance to do. i thought by watching movies or a show or looking through pictures would help trigger something to push my motivation at writing but i was sadly mistaken. its that time of year again, which seems to be rough on us all; some more than others. i look back back and at a year ago and think of where i was, a year ago; i had just found out that i was pregnant; a year ago i had the worst depression of my life and a year ago is roughly around the time when i decided to get my life going. a year ago david helped me through what seemed to be the toughest time of my life, i had a new support system without even trying, i had a new bestfriend and a new love. i could sit here and write about the story of me and david; but the truth is; there isnt one. we go day by day; there isnt a plan for us, my relationship now doesnt mirror any other relationship i have ever been in other than the mistrust section. we have never just sat in bed ALL day watching movies and talking about ourselves and secrets and how much we love eachother or why we love each other. we have never just taken a day to have a serious talk. i have held in my feeling sense day one because of what has happened and because i dont believe that david deserves to hear it; im afraid of being vulnerable and taken advantage of, im afraid to scare him away with what i have to say. my life has changed dramatically over the last year and sometimes i dont even notice how much. if i didnt have david in my life i honestly dont know where i would be, he has helped me be stronger and helped me overcome obstacles that i never saw myself bring able to let go of. dave has helped me more than he will ever see or understand. i hope that this relationship can recover, i hope that i can recover. i wish us the best because i really do want true happiness not only for myself but for him as well; whether that be with me by his side or not. 020911

ps. happy 15th birthday baby jordan :)
for all the obsacles that will continue to be climbed, i hope to be there, to be strong enough to help your brother. i love you jordy; i love the smile that you put on my face without even saying a word, i love the happiness that you project on everyone, your one of a kind, you remind my of my dew dew and that makes me feel more close to you than i really am. you and your family are so strong and i envy you all. i wish all the best. have a great day<3

Not many people really understand this; which isnt hard to believe because I dont even understand it. Someways are easier than most nights but I need to find the time that I need to write and really write. I always have something else to do rather than write at the needed moments; whether it's that I have Dave over my shoulder or I just simply want to go to bed, I haven't really written in what seems to be forever. I've recently come to the terms that I will never fully recover because it is just not in the cards for me, I haven't been given the time to fix myself before jumping into something else which is something I can only blame myself for. I feel so alone sometimes, like nothing is right anymore but at the same tome I know that it's because I won't let anyone into this world thats inside my head. The closest I feel to somebody understanding me is Greg but il save that for another time; because if by some chance this gets read I want to get what I want to say about him right so that my words can not be misconstrued. Having my best friend be gone and out of my life sometimes hurts me, to know that the one person that once knew my whole life story, who knew what I was feeling and thinking before I noticed myself and who didn't put up with my bullshit; to know that they will no longer be around or that they no longer take the aniciative to "check in" makes me feel like my childhood no longer exists anymore. Sometimes I sit here in bed late at night and just wonder what could have been or what would have happened if I kept my feet on the ground, of Dave wasn't here, if I really just let him go. Sometimes I think that I should have; but majority of the time I know that I wouldn't have been able to comfortably stand my life without him. I don't go many days without thinking of what's happened or without remembering those days and reliving them. It eats at my stomach and mind everyday but I know that things could be worse; so much worse so all I can do it wait until it goes away and hopefully it doesn't take 5 years. I don't have that kind of time to waste on something so small.

Today

If I was handed my computer and some along time an hour ago this page would be filled with sappy words that on most days don't bother me. Like I have said so many times in the past; Sean is gone, my memory of him hasn't disappeared but my thought of him are diminished to almost never. I'm scared of how much I care for Dave, how much I love him; it's almost not okay with me; too much for comfort. I'm afraid of being disappointed again and lost, of being left behind and being taken for granite, for being taken advantage of and being hurt all over again. I feel like a 15 year old girl who is only being cautious of her heart. I don't want to talk about how I feel because I'm afraid of being vulnerable; it embarrasses me to think that I could yet again be completely destroyed in a matter of seconds. I can't go through this again; I need to finally find something to keep me grounded; I need someone to make me believe in lasting love again.

I feel like lately we've been stronger, happier, on the same page. But that's due to change at any moment. I question our relationship so often because there has been a pattern all this time and it's hard to break patterns once they've started. I love David; and I know that I have said this so many times but this time seems different than any other with Sean it was young and much different from anything I can explain, Reid was the one I thought I could change; the one I thought I could help and the single most worst relationship I have ever been in, Michael was the person that I just jumped into, and spent too much time with. He wasnt really a relationship and I never knew him. With Dave it's just different; we met and I didn't instantly like him or think he was cute, I didn't think anything of him at all. Getting closer I took the time to know more about him and what he liked or didn't like (other than the obvious partying and drinking); I listened to every little thing that he had said, falling a little more each day for him. Seeing how far I, myself have come while being with him; makes me see and want to be with David much more than I feel I should. The things we have been through; though theyay not be death threatening or the worst things to happen; are not okay with me and they never will be; I will always be hurt and get upset with what has happened and how it makes me feel will never go away; I will never recover from that. But I look at it as i could have it so much worse than I do. Im not with him because I need him or he needs me; I'm with him because of how I feel when I'm with him; because I can't sleep without him next to me and how much fun I have when it's just me and him. I'm with him because I don't want to be with anyone else: because I don't have time to waste on finding a new boyfriend or wasting time on getting to know people. Im tired of bringing new boys around my family and friends. I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.

093006. ... Big shit poplin little shit stopping. I care for you and yor success more than any other. Always will. Always & forever. Remember? Like we always said; beatfriends forever.

i know that i am nothing special, and sometimes hard to get along with. yet i always seem to pull through at being faithful and genuine and no matter what i always find the time to make sure you know that i love you. this isnt funny anymore; this thing we call our relationship; i cant sit around wondering what your thinking or what you honestly want. im tired of questioning my relationship with you; im not fifteen anymore, i want a relationship that means something, i want it to be real and to actually last. it seems like everytime i turn around, im taking a few steps backwards instead of taking any forward. i know that i talk to greg and i know that it upsets you; i know that me wanting to go visit him makes you think the worst possible situation. but i; unlike you am capable of spending time with a friend without crossing a line. i dont know where this will bring us if it were to happen but its time that you realize what its like to be fucked over and its time for you to think the worst, because everyday i wonder whats going to happen if i dont make it home in time, or whats going to happen when i work later than usual. im scared of you going home or going anywhere for more than 6 hours. im literally just afraid that i will get shit on again; i know it will happen im just waiting for it to come. i shouldnt live this way and choosing to do so is not okay with me anymore. we have never just sat down or laid in bed and talked for hours about why or how much we love eachother. to me thats not normal; ive always had someone to do that with. going out is nice i guess; you doing you and i do me, but sometimes its nice to know that you see me, its nice to think that i exist to you and you havent forgotten about me... again. im broken and i have been for months now, i act like i dont care because i refuse to let you into my world further than you already are, you dont deserve to hurt me more than you already have. im tired of being broken down, im tired of feeling worthless to you. im tired of thinking that i dont mean shit to you.

its weird how sometimes i just have the urge to write;sometimes about simple nothings and others about my whole life story. but i can never express how i really feel to the people closest to me; because those are the ones that always and i repeat always let you down and hurt you the worst. my life isnt horrible, not even close. it is also not even close to bad; its average when you think about it. i know that there are people who have it worse than me, may it be medically, physically or emotionally; i am okay. i look back on my life and sometimes i see that everything has changed; about me, my friends, my family and basically everything i stand for. but most of the time, i see that my relationships and family and types of friends havent changed one bit. i try to change myself a little each time i find something that i dislike; and so far i have succeeded and leaving the little girl behind that i once was. i look at my bestfriend, who is strong and kind hearted but inside she in a wreck; shes emotionally damaged and she has no one to blame but herself. i look at each person i have grown into and i see that along the way i let go of the boys who have hurt the hardest. i look at who i am today and i see that i try to be nice to the people that i see are worth it to care about. i wish that i had the time to write more often without my room mate or boyfriend lurking over my shoulder in the living room or my room. lately i havent had quiet time unless im sleeping. i shouldnt be complaining but it would be nice to have the opportunity to releave stress and pain. i have been put through enough in the last few years, and it seems that it wont be letting up any time soon. but as ive said time and time again; god wouldnt put you through anything that you can not handle.

I almost miss being sad an depressed... It's so much more common to me. Lately I just want to be left alone and by myself; to think and cry and write. I hate relying on anyone else to help me: everyones got their own problems.

Just go; because I don't want to be the one to hold to yo uback.

I know I will regret this jn the morni g butbi love you and I'm sorry for everything. I'm high and drunk but you'll always be my bestfiend; you'll always be ny firstlove. Sddj . Xo 093006

ive grown into this person, who i believe to be the "real" me, i wont be walked all over, i care about people far too much than i should. i forgive but i never forget and i always hold a grudge. i fell in love at 15 and i havent been the same since than. ive been hurt time and time again, so its a wonder why i always run or walk out on people when they want to fix things. this time; with david, im trying and i have so far been successful. were not perfect; like most things, we are alike in so many ways but i think that sometimes, well most the time, thats what brings us our hardest fights. i know that my intentions arent always honorable but i have never acted upon them, so i understand why he doesnt appreciate me talking to greg. when i talk to greg our conversations are just fun, and i am instantly in a better mood. i talk to him about personal things without all the detail because although i feel like a "patient" of his, i know that because he is a psychologist that he knows what im going through and how to help me. greg is a great person and he will make someone one of the luckiest girls in the world, but that girl will not be me. just for now, its nice to have someone who can cheer you up as an outsider who doesnt know any of my friends. i cant give up my friends bc of some boy again, especially one who has cheated on me. i can no longer take my life with time, bc although in reality i have all the time in the world, i dont feel like i do. i need to take my life and get it together, i dont have the time to waste on people who dont actually care about me anymore. for the last five years all i have done is look for somebody to help me and make me feel complete and better, and after all of that finding and believeing i found that person, i was let down. it takes a toll out of you after this long. i thought i left that life behind me when i left sean, but apparently reliving my past is always going to occur. ive let it go, so why cant i move forward?

I'm sick to my stomach and all I do is run. It's the only thing I'm good at other than crying. I'm broken again except this time, I'm strong.

Djk

I forgot what it was like to be in love. I forgot who I really was; because I havent been myself in 5 years. I know that I am happy and I know that I am put together again. I know that if or when this relationship fails, I will once again being a mess and i will once again have to pick up my own pieces. I am happy and I wish that Sean could see it. I wish that I could see him happy because that is ultimately why i let him go. I needed sanity and dignity, I needed to move forward and I wouldnt want it to have happened with anyone else. I never expected or thought in a million years that me and Dave would be together. but now, i cant imagine my life without him. Just like anyone else; i want him to be happy and no matter what role i play in his life, i wish him nothing but happiness because everyone deserves to be happy. i never get bored with him and there is not a day where i am just satisfied with him. He is perfect to me and he makes me smile on my worst days. we fight and our relationship isnt perfect but together we are strong and i think that deep down we know that if all else fails; we have eachother. David, if there is one thing that you get out of knowing me and being with me, i hope that it is that you deserve the best, you deserve to be loved and find love, you deserve success and happiness. and if there is one thing that you pull out of this relationship i hope that it is that i love you, and that you saved me. i hope that you know and believe that i want to be with you and only you. i hope that you see where my heart is and realize how far i have come from my past. i want to thank you for everything you have done for me. i can never thank you enough; i will always love you. forever david.

I am taken back when you talk to me. I don't Fully understand why but I realize that I'm still a mess from you. For the most part I have loved forward; but there are little things that make me see that I am still stick on the past. I am scared of this relationship: I'm afraid to get hurt, I sleep with my bear still: when David doesn't spend the night. My favorite necklace was a gift given by you: actually all my favorite jewelery are gifts from you ( i wish I still had them) there are days where you don't come to mind and then there are days where what your doing, if your home and how you are cross my mind. My past with you makes me appreciate Dave more than I usually would. I'm cautious of my surroundings but I am also reminded finally after 5 years what love really feels like. It scares me most of the time being unsure if I care for him more than he does me but that's the least of my worries. I know that Sean will always be carried around with me; at least for a long time, but I know that David carries bri aroun with him as well everyday; whether he wants to admit that or not, but who am I to be misunderstanding of that. This is the most realistic relationship I have had in5 years and I'm scares to ruin it or lose him. I'm scared that he will finally realize that he wants someone else or thT I am not good enough and on that day I will be destroyed just like I was with Sean. I will shut down just like I did before; I will lose a
Self control and worth again just like I always do. I will be a mess all over again. So here are my secrets and here is where they will stay so that I won't ever share. Here is my vulnerability and fears all laid out on the table again.

Ask me why I'm sad and il tell you forever. I domt think that I will ever move forward from where i have been, and I think it's because I have low esteem in myself. I think that I will suffer from that for the rest of my life. I will always be looking over my shoulder for the "signs" when I really should just move on. David I love you and I won't hurt you, I'm not leaving you unless you make me. I don't know how or where you found that being safe is important to me, bit I dont like it. I don't think you realize how much it means to me that I have found someone who somewhat replaces sean in my life. Not all the way but for the most part I'm free from Sean. And as I write this with your drunk ass in my arms I realize thAt this relationship, with you; is the most important thing in my life, I never want to be without you, I need you. You make me safe.

These words are more important to me than I realize. Watching one tree hill reminds me of my past my present and my future. I know what I want; or at least I believe that I do. And that keeps me satisfied. I love you babe, but just like everyone else; you don't appreciate my blogs and my honest, so here I am again, writing about how much I love you, someplace you will never see with words you will never read. This was meant for me; why didn't i listen to myself?

I love you more than I thought that I could love another human being again. I can't handle how scared, emotional and my feelings all at once.

I know that I don't say how much I love you or how much you mean to me enough. I know I write it but these words are unread by anyone but me. I know that I shouldn't hide behind my blogs anymore but I enjoy the thrill of knowing that there's a place where my secrets and feelings are kept quiet. I don't think about my future much; I'd rather live day to day but I want you in this future of mine that is unknown. Idk where I'm going or how long it will take me to get there but I want to plan accordingly to you and your aspirations. You make me happy when no one else does and you make me mad when everyone else is happy around me. Were not the prefect couple but you make me forget and move forward. This relationship reminds me of what I thought I used to have; a bestfriend, reality, love, happiness and I couldn't ask for more. Sometimes were a step ahead when other times were two steps back but most of the time were in sync with each other. I love you and I believe in you and i know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. Your a fighter, your strong and I don't think you see that most of the time. I will always be here, whatever position I am in your life; il be here when you need me. As long as you let me, I'm staying. I'm not leaving you; I will not leave you. David you are my life now, and I will be your friend for as long as you need me to be.

Sometimes I realize that I put you on a pedestal. And I am sorry for that; you make me perfect, us together ; fighting or not is perfect and I don't really notice how much I depend on you . I'm proud to say that you are my boyfriend and I'm proud to say that I love you. Your beautiful inside and out and I have never really thought about it before but you're the second person that I have honestly loved in my life as a boyfriend, you complete me and I don't want to admit that further than here. Sometimes I think about showing you these entries to show you how much I love you, but I dont want to be vulnerable again, and although I am already; I dont want to publicize it. I'm scared to lose you and I'm scared to think about losing you, these last few days I have thought about it and how I would handle different situations: I would have to let you go if it is what you wanted, but I also never want to see the back of your head walking away from me like my daddy did almost ten years ago. I'd give anything to just be with you, even just for one minute out of a whole day. I love you more than anything.

David you make me smile on my darkest days, you seem to understand me more each day and I am at a loss of how this relationship happenedu. You make me so; so happy and I love you. My past doesn't mean as much anymore. But i guess it usually doesn't until I get hurt again.

I think I am different from everyone else, like there is absolutely no kne that is remotely alike me. I feel like I make fun people but I feel romorse for the moat part. Im hard to get along with and I'm a mess alot, I get into moods where I just want to be by myself and sometimes well most of the time I want to be alone. Im a self person and I'm not sure how I've gotten here. I miss my bestfriend well my not bestfriend sometimes but I'm glad that our "relationship" if you could even call it that; is where it's at. I'm hopeful that this will be the prop in the door for our friendship finally and someday the door will open back up again and we will be our bestfriend selves again. I'm afraid of my heart, and my relationship with David. I love him so much, more than anything and that scares me most bc I'm afraid that il get hurt again and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I will have to pick myself up again and I will fail at it. I'm afraid of being let down and I'm afraid to love Again. I'm scared to let someone back in that much again and I dont know what il have if I ever do get hurt again or who will be there for me. I'm afraid that I won't have anyone all over again. I know that I have these things called friends but Mary and dave are the closest things to friends that I have Harbin years. David makes me forget about Sean and how bad I was hurt he makes me feel safe again and strong. I have not felt this much for another human being in 6 years and I don't know of I'm ready for it; but it's here.

where did your heart go missing

i dont have much to say lately but i want to keep this going for some odd reason, in hopes that i wont break down like i did before. i cant let someone take that much control out from under me, i no longer am going to be civil and nice; you know i dont like you so im just going to walk around like your not there, your dead to me. i have my bestfriend mary; whos had my back sense literally day one; who helps me more than she realizes and who has done more for me in these last short 4 months than my family. and i have David, for however long this relationship lasts i have found someone who is not only my boyfriend but is my bestfriend, whos aware of my mistakes and flaws. who im not afraid to be myself around. this relationship only scares me because im afraid of being vulnerable again; and im afraid that i will get too attached; more than i already am, and everything will be pulled out from under me. this is why i usually dont tell him why i love him as much as i do, this is why i hold back with things that i want to say or how i feel. im strong because i know i dont need people in my life, ive gotten this far with the absence of assistance from my mother, sean and past friends; i can continue forward and i will be leaving you behind. if you need me in the future you know il always be here, just a phone call away because as much as you arent a friend to me; i will always be your bestfriend.

meanwhile at work...

Im over thinking alot lately and its going to be the death of me. i dont know exactly what my problem is but, id o know that i need to keep it together. i have stayed strong this long; i just need to keep on. all i do it move forward, all im good at is covering up how i really feel to get passed what im scared of. i have somehow let alot of people, boys, mean alot to me. and im not sure why. i assume its for being hurt so much, that i look for the good in people and i can never seem to find the "perfect" one. its probably not a good idea but to settle myself, i am going to go through them, for some reason i know that im happy, but being happy doesnt always satisfy me.n sometimes seep thoughts and depression is what i need. i might even need to go over the ones who should have or did mean something to me and it never worked out that way:

Reid. i thought i could save you, i thought our relationship would have taught you something. unfortunatly you got shit on in the end. bes wished as you continue on, but i am no longer your friend.

Michael. My greatest apologies go out to you for the way that i treated you and how things ended up. i dont like the girl i ended up being. you know that you are a great person, just not for me, you can do whatever you set your mind towards, dont let your hurt set you back.

Travis. I think because i was so young when we met, i had this fantasy of who you were. Im glad you are, where your at because you deserve happiness. to me, out "relationship" if you could even call it that, was the excitement because we were never suppose to be around eachother. you kept me young and naive, you made me believe in fairytales.

Gregory, you just make me smile. you forve me to think for myself and i know that you truely care about me. work is going to be boring without you this next month but you deserve this trip. i remember the first time i met you, i was so scared to talk or even look at you, you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. Now its hard vecause of the awkward tention sometimes. I care about you; we just had some bad timeing, i blame myself for that; i have always had bad timeing. you mean alot to me; you make me strive to succeed and be smart. you help me without even knowing sometimes and i dont know how you do it.

David. Its times like this that i appreciate you the most.( i went to write your name and you texted me). when we met, we werent exactly friends, but i knew that there was just something about you that made me like you. il admit no one annoyed me or could annoy me as much as you had but i never didnt want you around. your so strong and i praise you for that over anything. your a good friend, one of my bests. its not your job to take care of me, but you always make time to see if i am okay. you were the only one there for me before, during and after my surgery; and you made sure that i was okay that night. i dont thikn you realize how much of a good person you are; and although i dont always say or show it; i appreciate you, i love you . and i want to completely trust you but we both know that that is close to impossible for anyone. im not sure if i have ever been this honest with anyone. i tell you almost everything, i need you to trust me. i dont know what to expect out of this relationship but i know that i need to be with you right now. i dont want to be with anyone else. i dont want to find a new bestfriend. im scared; im scared of loving you. im scared of being with you and being without you. im scared of what we are both capable of and what the future; even the short furture has in store. in scared of hurting, amd hurting you. im scared of the thought that one day you could wake up and finally realize its not me you want to waste your time or heart on. i know the feeling of different relationships. i know how to be or who to be with different situations; but for the second time in my life, all i have been is myself and were doing just fine. i hate fighting with you, but knowing why it hardly gets resolved makes me realise that we are both just as stubborn as the other. im not going to hurt you, i know of this for sure.. id almost rather be unhappy that hurt you.

Sean David Jr. now that i have finally gotten to you name. im speechless. just like i have been for days, weeks, months.i thought writting would help me finally make me think about what i want or need to say; but i am for once at a loss for words for you. i have kept moving forward; trying little by little letting go of you. but for the last six years, i have failed i know that i dont necessarily need you, but i want you in my life. i love you, regardless of who i am with, where i am or whats happened. my past with you has kept holding me back from letting anyone completely in my life. you know how i feel about you, you know how muc you mean to me. i could go on for days trying to explain myself to anyone and still nobody would undertand how i felt or what i felt for you. this time apart from you makes me realize that i dont know you anymore. but i keep holding onto who you used to be; that boy is mine and he always will be. although i am happy about habing my mew friends, they will never understand sean and shelby. and i dont want to explain that to anyone anymore. all i have wanted to do is move on from our relationship but in doing so, i notived how much you meant in my life, so i tried to be bestfriends with you with no string attached. it has worked lately but not aht you have finally moved forward, im afraid again. im afraid of losing you all over, of not being who you think of when love comes up. its not fair for me to be, act or things this way but thats why i keep to myself; for the sake of you, myself and my own embarassment. im honestly scared of what this means because its the first time youvelet someone other than myself truely care about you. i hope she will care for you half as much as i still do. overall, you deserve to be happy and who and i or who would i be to confuse you or try to change your mind. all i want is for you to find happiness, and when i see that you are; i will let you go, but until than your apart of me. and if you were to ask whether or not i am, you will always be apart of me, you have honestly created who i am today. and i think i just figured that out, i wouldnt be the way i am, be friends with who i am or react in situations the way that i do if it werent for you. like i have said so many times, you are my childhood; so i think thats why i keep you by my side majority of the time. besides my parents divorce and fights with my sister, i honestly have no recollection of my childhood. im so speechless and im not sure how its possible. i used to be able to write for hours, pages and pages of useless words wasting countless sheets of paper. i guess growing up is happening more rapidly lately. i have to learn to let go; i already know or believe we will never be together again, not unless its years from now.

I am literally forcing myself to talk about sean. when im reality i need a break from doing that. i have to get myseld together and focus on what i am doing. thiss weekend i lost track, letting previous friends and boyfriends get the best of me, i lost my control and now all i have to do is get it back. no jealousy will not get the best of me, it wont ruin my life and relationship; not this time. im scared that i willbe caught up again and just be let down again. i want to be ready to be unprepared but my past has and walys does get the best of me. my feelings for people who i believe to be important in my life get in my way, sometimes more often than need be.

Kevin. you always tell me to just have fun and not worry about anyhting, to not over think anything; to go with the flow. your rebellious attitude got me once, but nnot again. im glad that we got to have our talk, many things were keft unsaid and unsettles. your a great friend, you know how to make someone feel good about themselves. i know its difficult to open up about Miranda, but now we have a little but different of a insight of eachother. you called me strong and smart, i have never actually heard someone sa this to me, you deserve alot more than youve gotten; things will come around. youll find your trust and happiness again. you love her, dont take advantage of that; your only cheating yourself in the end.

davidjames

david, first i want to say how much you mean to me. you are so special and i dont know why but im left speechless when it comes to explaining exactly what i feel. im afraid to actually speak my mind, im afraid of being vulnerable again and losing my control. im afraid of openly letting someone completely inside again. you were there for me on my darkest day and you helped me out of that hole; i know ive said this time and time again, but i dont think you realize how appreciative i am of this, you dont know what it means to me to finally have someone actually care about me, its nice to move forward from sean mostly, it not your job to take care of me or to listen or to be there when i need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright but you stepped in when someone i confided in for years stepped out. i trust you more than i usually would, i love you more than im comfortable with. and im sorry that i am difficult to handle and at times, i get in horrible moods. im sorry that im not always civil and i shut down alot. im sorry that i dont talk about things that bother me majority of the time and that im not perfect. im probably not what you thought i would be, but i promise that i will always be honest with you and i will never betray you. i promise that i will always be here for you; regardless if were together or not. i promise that if you dont hurt me; at least more than i already have been i will always forgive you and i will always love you. i cant promise you that i wont live in the past, i cant promise you that i wont think about how much ive been through or promise that i wont punish you sometimes because of it, but i can say that i wont do it on purpose and i can say that i dont mean to do it. its not that i want to live in the past or that it means the world to me; its just sometimes i get caught up in being happy; being happy is vulnerablility to me and i fear that feeling. six years and i still havent fully recovered; as im sure you see. i can say that ive gotten alot better; and i have learned a lot in the last couple days, weeks even and especially months. i finally realize that i will be okay with letting go of that part of my life; once again i cant promise that this will be an easy process but its something that i now have to do. i hope you see how important this step is for me; and i hope you can accept it as it is, because i know how hard it is to be dragged down by the past let alone how hard it is to watch it happen. dave, you do not come second best behind anyone in my life. the only people above you are my nephews, sisters and daddy. my life isnt a joke anymore, i dont have time to fool around and be careless, you make me feel free and finally safe; i love you. and i hope that this will be enough.

i can no longer pretend that everything is alright; when everyone knows that i have been strong for long enough. i have been civil and respectful for long enough and now as of the last few days, im done. she is dead to me; and i dont want to draw attention to myself and sound immature, but when people surround themselves with my business and make my life the center of their own; i know that i have lost control. i dont care who i lose, what friends i will have at the end. she deserves to feel what i feel; anger. i didnt steal her boyfriend, i didnt steal her bestfriend. im passed feeling bad for this girl who once happend to be my bestfriend. i am finally moving forward from my past, and in the last two days its come to my attention that its going to be easier. i need to keep moving, and giving up my friendship with sean; as much as it may kill me, needs to happen. im afraid of being forgotten, im afraid of losing him completly and that may be selfish, but this is the only place that i can be honest without anyone knowing whats going on. i dont want anyone to know any of my business so i am going to rely on these for awhile. i understand that everybody needs someone in their life to talk to, but she happends to be davids and i have to be okay with that, but i do not want her knowing my business. i dont want to deal with her everyday, im tired of my name coming out of her mouth every single day, im tired of her being in my life and being apart of my relationship. it doesnt surprise me, the things she has been saying, it doesnt surprise me that she thinks that she has a chance at being in our lives. this wont last much longer, i wont have her be apart of my life anymore, i dont need all of this. sean having a girlfriend, hurts me; not because im jealous, not because i need him and not because i want him for myself. i think its because it hurts me to finally see him move forward, it hurts me to think that if it works out with them, what was wrong with me. it hurts me to think that he could love someone else; if he does. it hurts me to see that i am no longer number one in his life. when in fact; over all the boyfriends i have had, i havent felt what i felt for him ever, maybe its bc he was my first love and after i was hurt alot of those feelings were closed off. im afraid that i wont have him as a friend anymore bc im scared for my own life and i dont know how awkward it will be now that hes with someone else. im afraid that there will no longer be someone who cares about me as much as he does/did. im scared of forgetting what i felt the first time i fell in love and im afraid that i wont have someone who knows me more than anyone im scared that he wont be there when i need someone, when my worlds fallen completly apart. im afraid that i will never see him again and il never get to say goodbye.

Four twenty seven eleven

im afraid that because i dont face everything head on. it will cause me problems like before. im not a little girl anymore; i take things very seriously. i let things cool off and i wait out alot of the drama in my life. confrontation is no longer appealing to me. david is my life, and again i am being honest and i have remorse when i feel like things need to be said. i will never take this relationship for granted and abuse what i have in front of me. i dont like the person i became last year, but then again; i wouldnt have dave if i hadnt. i love this boy and i feel safe alot. i have fun and he is one of my bestfriends. hes a good person and boyfriend and i couldnt imagine a day without him in it from this say forward.

really.

i should probably jot down some thoughts before i forget them.
i dont think of you differently, i dont love you any less. im too old to play along with the games, i dont deserve to be ignored for your fuck up. be upset but dont blame me. have the balls to talk to me dont just ignore me like were in middle school. dont wait around bc im giving up on you and i hate myself for it. it disgusts me that you went to a handful of people rather than me. my lifes not a joke anymore, i need to care about myself more than i have been. i passed the baby games; this is serious and i dont see you taking it that way. the beginning issue is no longer the largest issue anymore. i refuse to be pushed aside and shit on. i care more about you than you will ever know, i dont care who says they care about you; i top them, i would literally do anything to help you and be there when you needed. but again; im not the one you want next to you when you need someone most.

its weird to imagine what just happend tonight. i found friends that i never knew could exist. i found sadness and anger and jealousy that i didnt know was still in me. characteristics were brought out of me that i didnt know i was still capable of. i stayed faithful and reliable when you werent yet again. i stayed true to you when you pushed me aside. im so close to giving up. you can only be pushed away so much. until you begin to give up. myself, i am strong and thankfully someone called me strong tngt. someone important in my life. your missing out on alot and i see this friendship moving forward into replacing sean. something i need but something i am also scared of. i am appreciative for the attepmt at helping me. i know you were busy and my plan of focusing my anger backfired. i apologize for putting so much on you.

063006

and once again, i was fooled by you. for some reason i had to answer to you; thinking something was wrong; and you broke me all over again. i needed you last night, i needed you to talk to me, just about stupid nothings to make me less angry and yet again, i get a call when your too fucked up to function. when i need you the most; your no where to be found. you remember me when your a mess and i need to forget you. you are no longer my friend, you are no longer who i call my bestfriend. just an exboyfriend who happend to be my first real relationship, friendship, love and bestfriend. you are no longer apart of my everyday life and i have to keep reminding myself of this. i have to say goodbye to you, not because i want to; but because the sean i know and want in my life no longer exists. he is dead; just like the girl i used to be.

Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my mother can be mended, because we are alike in some and i use that word with caution, we clash; we both want control and independence. the differece being that i only want control of my own life; whereas she needs control of everyone around her. i refuse to let someone boss me around and tell me how to live my life; i have been down that road before and never again will i give up my life. I know what kind of person i want to be, and i know what kind of parent i want to be. i know the rules i will have and the lieniences i will obtain. I know what kind of environment i want to live in and who i want to still be in my life. this is all because of my mother and father. seeing their parenting skills and witnessing them first hand; i know that i dont want to be strict; as long as my children have it under control. i want to discipline but i will never throw my child away and i will never take advantage of my familys bond. i want to have a strong litte family; since mine has always been large and i want to continue to be little, with a big heart. i was once asked what id do if i had children; and my mother was no longer in the picture; my answer was and always will be, " i will never take my childs grandma nor grandfather away from them, i am open to the disfuctional family that i have, but my child will know who their real grandparents are." " i will never disown my parents in honor of my child(ren) because without my grandmother i would have no faith, strength or control, without my grandfather, i feel as though i would have little knowledge of many things and without my grandmother jeanne, i would have luittle faith in family because she has kept this troubled, disfunctional and insane family together for so long.

i realize that my boyfriend; is the most beautiful person inside and out, i know that what he goes through everyday tops my as well as anyone else i knows lives. him as well as his family are probably one of the strongest people i have ever met and i wish that i knew how to be as happy as they are. i wish i had half the strength that they have for just one day. they give me hope that i can change; i take my life, happiness and future for granate and this has to stop as well. i know that my life is no longer a joke and it hasnt been for a long time. i just wish that i could see strength in myself long enough to believe it and make some changes in my life. david is now apart of my life, and although im scared of the obsicals that will come our way; i cannot imagine my life without dave in it, friend or otherwise. he has stepped up in being there for me, trying to force me to speak my mind and feelings at my worst. and although; this i am not ready for either; i need to be. i have to keep an open mind, sean is gone and i dont want that to change. actually; i need that to not change.

continue

i think that in my destination of finding my happiness, i am letting the stress of everything around me get the best of me. lately, the past, present and future is all hitting me at once and i dont know exactly what it is thats wrong, but there is something inside my head thats holding me back inside again. my heart and my head is closed off again and im not sure of what to do about it; youd think after all this time, id know how to handle this situation but i have not learned yet. seems to be a trend that i havent learned anything yet. i once again, i want to just be by myself, you know just left alone liek usual; i know that there are cool people out there who want to be my friend, but i know who i am and who i want to be and i have worked hard towards this reputation i have/had.. that is until i got together with david and now; i seem to be someone different to everyone i used to be surrounded with. and that i do not like, i want to be known as who ive always been and no i dont care what people think of me and i dont care if someone likes me or not, but im tired of being made fun of by the ones who i thought were my closest friends; i guess you really learn who your true friends are and who are your aquainences. im afraid of being walked all over again and im afraid that i am just going to give in to pleasing everybody again and this will not lead me in the right direction. i am just going to worry about myself, and keep moving forward like i always do; i refuse to be left behind.

..

April 17th. 2011


I know that in the next year of my life, everything will be changing again and although ive said and i know that i am ready for this change and growing up, I cant help from being scared of failing, because from here on out; i have no choice other than to succeed. im not sure when things will fall together, or whats going to change or who is still going to be apart of my life in a year; but right now i dont want to think about it nor do i want to think about who i am going to lose in my life. i cant stand thinking that i will lose dave or mary and i dont want to think that they wont be in my life friend or otherwise. i need my friends or at least one to be able to fall back on and the two of them are all i have had in the last 6 months. On days like this where i do nothing but sit around, i feel like a failure; and then on days where i get out of the house and go to work, i feel some sort of achievement in myself. i have made more of a realization that i am strong and that i can make it from here on out, but being strong and hard headed has gotten me where i am today, and being this way has brought me to having this relationship with my mother. on again; off again with her gives me the most stress. second in line is my friendship with the only person in the world i gave my whole life and heart to. im afraid that ive lost that part of my life; and im slowly losing some of the memories we once had. im slowing losing grasp of the people we were six years ago and that deep down upsets me more than anything else, more than our past, our failed relationship and the depression i went through. overall, i just miss having someone who knows me better than myself; i miss feeling like there was someone to fall back on who i knew i could trust when everything fell apart. i still cannot lose that person in my life; he makes me trust my decisions, and trust myself, he makes me think through things before i make any choices. and out of every one in the world, i trust him. im not ready to talk about sean yet; and the downfall of our friendship, but i can see that its getting there. i know that i will be the first one to reach out to him because i know that i may not need him in my life; but i certainly want to have him in my life and i dont like that either. i dont like admitting this, because i know how bad it sounds that one, my exboyfriend is my bestfriend, two, he is also what i call family but three, i want him to always be in my life. i know that no present boyfriend wants to hear that or know about it; its not that im afraid of hurting dave nor anyone with sean, that will never happen, i just feel like i need him in order to remember my childhood; rather than remembering the childhood my parents gave me.

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. " -Eleanor Roosevelt


Sometimes I am afraid that this relationship will fail, but than i remind myself, that i have to be ready for the unexpected, for so long i have just expected not only myself but people i surround myself with to fail, so that i personally am not let down. this time i have to make some changes; and i believe that not making any expectations about this relationship is a step in that direction. i am not sure where this is going or how long it will last or what the future holds, but i dont plan on making assumptions and planning out "our" future becuase all that has done is cause failure. im scared of saying the wrong thing, or saying to much and even too little. im afraid of being imperfect; and although i am well aware of my infinate flaws, i have come to terms with them. there is not one person out there who knows me, really truely knows everything about me anymore; and i think that its for the better. i believe that letting one person know my whole life was a mistake and one that i made on my own, no i dont regret it becuase i wouldnt have sean in my life what so ever. but at the same time i now see that it is better to keep some things to yourself. i tried being closed off, i tried keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and i always found myself here, failing miserably, but giving certain people a little insight of my life seems like the perfect balance. With the few friends that i have that i actually consider to be my real friends, i keep a serious look out on things, and im not sure why exactly. i think becuase i am trying to not expect things, my level of trust has changed. or maybe its because i cant trust myself, let alone another person; this im not sure of. When everything fell apart again, i was surprised to see who had my back, people who i never expected to fall into my life; are now my bestfriends. i miss having that one person who knew me, and knew what i thought and felt before i even did; but i now have something different. i seem to have my own mind, and my own set of thoughts that no one can change or take away from me. im strong and hard headed and i have a mind of my own finally. i stand up for myself, as well as others; and i finally believe that i am the kind of person who is worth someone elses time, i finally believe in myself long enough to make a good choice for my life. I know that I am making good choices for myself, right now; my life is on hold, school is on hold and work is slowing moving along. i finally see that there are people out there willing to help out if you just ask around; and once again its the ones who you least expect to be there for you. I seem to write more everyday; but i know its becuase i want to remember my story, i want to be able to share with my children; my knowledge. i want to be able to look back and see how far i have come. Reading old blogs and letters; sometimes make me laugh but almost always bring me back to that day; and for a few moments i remember that day and those feelings perfectly. i know see writting all of this as an advantage instead of being pathetic, vulnerable and weak. I have confidence in my life and my decisions. i see that i can do what i put my mind to; im not scared to fail anymore; because i have no choice but to succeed anymore. like ive always said, this is my life and its no longer a joke; and i am finally putting that into affect. Im Shelby, and i'l be twenty soon, i have been through alot of family struggles, but not as much as others. I used to believe that blood was thicker than water; and than i met my mother; truely met her. I have a hard head; and i believe in myself, something that took many years to build. I have common problems with myself, just like any girl; but i see myself as different; i am not like anyone else; i am my own, uncommon. I am constantly moving forward, this may be my biggest flaw as well as my biggest asset.

to new beginnings...

i have been realizing that i dont need to blog in order to feel good, i dont even have the urge to write anymore, im truely happy; so i am really hoping that this lasts and suceeds rather than fails miserably. im hoping for the best but expecting the worst. i think that people see us sometimes; and know that our relationship somehow; oddly just works. and i dont know why or how this happend or how we actually got here, but who we are together and seperatly makes me happy. im content with who i am today and i am content with who i spend my time with and who i am dating. dave cares, and laughs and knows how to have fun. i feel like neither of us have ever pretended to be different than who we really are to impress eachother, we dont care that we are both absolutly gross and i love that. i love that i actually feel like i have a relationship where people want to be like us sometimes. we have our fights and our problems just like anyone else but i feel like we always work it out one way or another, and lately we have been getting better talking things through without pulling it out of one another. dave has replaced the spot in my life and heart that was broken, and although he has hurt me; we all make our mistakes and things could be worse. i no longer have that one person that knows my whole life story, i no longer can say that i have a bestfriend who pops into my life when i least expect him to just to see how i am, i can no longer say that i have faith in that friendship anymore, and sometimes i believe it is for the best but than somedays i truely think that i need him to be apart of my life one way or another. but somehow dave has stepped into this place, as a bestfriend, as a boyfriend and as a support system. he has been there since before day one, with the biggest secret of my life, he was there for me when i least expected him to be. i am fine with losing these few people because i have gained so many better people for myself. i have finally surrounded myself with a strong set of individuals that will keep me stong as well. dear sean, my life is moving forward, without you. you know that this is all i have ever wanted for the last 6 years. if you chose to one day catch up, i will let you in like i always do; as nothing has happend. you will remain apart of my life forever, just like i promised. but just remember this is because i am a better person than you, i will and have always been a stronger and better individual and i will continue this for the rest of my life. because of you; i blog, because of you; i have given up and because of you; i continue to constantly move forward. it is finally time to let you go.

04-07-11

listening to country really brings me back to who i am inside and i dont know why i dont do it more often. i sit at this desk and think sometimes, just in the silence of whats really going on around me and whats happend in the past. i realize that i am strong and i am intellegent and i understand alot more than i give myself credit for. There is still alot of factors that im not fond of in myself, for instance my confidence and my relationship with my mom. the fact that i dont see myself as pretty or skinny, im never going to be good enough for myself, but i also think that this is because ive used those excuses for why my past relationships have never worked out. all of them except michael, because all of my previous relationships have been the same except his; i took advantage of that, but i never pretended not to. now, its like we never existed and its like that part of my life never happend and im fine with that. i guess its better that we dont exist to eachother; becuase when it comes down to it, i dont really want to be in his life and i dont want him in mine,i dont see either of us being friends. michael isnt really someone i could be friends with i dont think, i think it would be strictly a realtionship basis, if i could, i would apologize for doing what i did and things ending the way that they did. but neither one of us were to blame completly, i also think that i am the only one who will ever admit that. reid, that part of my life defined highschool and i would take that back if i could, but i also believe that it made me a stronger person and it taught me the meaning of family and friends. sean is always another story, one that right now, i dont want to share. im honestly heart broken with whats going on now; and what has happend. that boy has my heart and he knows it, he is my bestfriend in the whole world regardless of the meaningless and important events that have happend and whats been said, he will always have me to fall back on when the world crashed under him and i dont think that he really understands that. i now, finally understand that we will never be together, i now fully understand that were passed repair and yes, it hurts me and yes, it bothers me but sometimes you just have to keep moving forward and thats all ive been trying to do. David, my friend, my boyfriend. someone who i have unexpectedly started to fall in love with, so far its perfect, fights, problems, happiness and laugher; through all of this i honestly dont know where its going or whats in store; but im ready for it. for whatever reason; im finally prepared to be unprepared.

venting?

I guess when i started all of this years ago, i didnt expect it to turn out this way. i resort to writing and hiding when i feel like i have meaningless comments to make or when i dont want anyone to hear what i have to say. i think im going to utilize this site again, since giving up my other site which is kind of like giving up my best friend sean, i need something to fall back on. he is the only one who knew about that site and now that we said "goodbye" i dont feel as though it would be fair to either of us if i continued to use it. some of my friends know about another website i use so i dont like to go there alot either other than picture blogging, words and paragraphs are what really matter to me and id like to keep those a little bit more private. im not a mess anymore; at least not nearly as much. i think i have found some more dignity and strength inside me. i can go through a day without thinking in the past and that has been probably my biggest accomplishment lately. i dont make regrets and i believe that things happen for a reason. but you make your own fate; so sometimes its hard for me to believe whats meant to be will always find its way.i know that i have a lot to say and i know that i talk a lot of nonsense but that is just me i suppose. i havent been able to say that i have girl friends in years but i now have the closest set of friends in my life. i wouldnt have made it these last few months without them to be able to fall back on. my past relationships have created me into the person i am today, along side with my family. the strength its taken me to pull myself out of the ditches ive fallen and been pushed into, gives me some hope that i have become somewhat the person i always wanted to turn out to be. back in highschool, i was alone; but i allowed myself to be. ive let more people down in my life than i thought i could imagine, but mostly myself. im proud of myself sometimes, il admit that; but sometimes i wont let myself get caught up in the moment. im okay with where im at right now, im content with the person ive become and who ive surrounded myself with and who ive cut out from my life.

day one.

1. (list all your feeling that are emerging)
fine. annoyed. embarrassed. unworthy. selfish. unfair. disgusting. pathetic.

2. (describe your dreams as you remember them)
lately, my dreams havent been traumatic, they have been just weird like they usually are. relating to my friends and awkward situations.i dont want to act like im not happy, because i am. i have new bestfriends who make my life so much easier and fun and a new boyfriend; who was also one of my good friends; so im not sad and its not that i think about it all the time, its just i feel like i dont deserve to be close to anyone; i dont deserve to be touched or loved.

3. ("whats the worst thing for you right now?")
i think if i was still with michael; it would be worse for me, i think knowing that dave helped me through that day and being with him; knowing that its not the most important part of our relationship makes me feel more safe with him. telling him whats exactly wrong with me would probably be second in line. i have told limited people about this secret that i carry around with me and i havent gotten much feedback. talking about it hasnt helped much. but knowing that ashlie who has stepped in much more lately will be there and help me and talk to me about it without judging me; helps a little i guess. i feel like its been three months and i havent gotten any better; i just want to move forward.