davidjames

david, first i want to say how much you mean to me. you are so special and i dont know why but im left speechless when it comes to explaining exactly what i feel. im afraid to actually speak my mind, im afraid of being vulnerable again and losing my control. im afraid of openly letting someone completely inside again. you were there for me on my darkest day and you helped me out of that hole; i know ive said this time and time again, but i dont think you realize how appreciative i am of this, you dont know what it means to me to finally have someone actually care about me, its nice to move forward from sean mostly, it not your job to take care of me or to listen or to be there when i need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright but you stepped in when someone i confided in for years stepped out. i trust you more than i usually would, i love you more than im comfortable with. and im sorry that i am difficult to handle and at times, i get in horrible moods. im sorry that im not always civil and i shut down alot. im sorry that i dont talk about things that bother me majority of the time and that im not perfect. im probably not what you thought i would be, but i promise that i will always be honest with you and i will never betray you. i promise that i will always be here for you; regardless if were together or not. i promise that if you dont hurt me; at least more than i already have been i will always forgive you and i will always love you. i cant promise you that i wont live in the past, i cant promise you that i wont think about how much ive been through or promise that i wont punish you sometimes because of it, but i can say that i wont do it on purpose and i can say that i dont mean to do it. its not that i want to live in the past or that it means the world to me; its just sometimes i get caught up in being happy; being happy is vulnerablility to me and i fear that feeling. six years and i still havent fully recovered; as im sure you see. i can say that ive gotten alot better; and i have learned a lot in the last couple days, weeks even and especially months. i finally realize that i will be okay with letting go of that part of my life; once again i cant promise that this will be an easy process but its something that i now have to do. i hope you see how important this step is for me; and i hope you can accept it as it is, because i know how hard it is to be dragged down by the past let alone how hard it is to watch it happen. dave, you do not come second best behind anyone in my life. the only people above you are my nephews, sisters and daddy. my life isnt a joke anymore, i dont have time to fool around and be careless, you make me feel free and finally safe; i love you. and i hope that this will be enough.