i can no longer pretend that everything is alright; when everyone knows that i have been strong for long enough. i have been civil and respectful for long enough and now as of the last few days, im done. she is dead to me; and i dont want to draw attention to myself and sound immature, but when people surround themselves with my business and make my life the center of their own; i know that i have lost control. i dont care who i lose, what friends i will have at the end. she deserves to feel what i feel; anger. i didnt steal her boyfriend, i didnt steal her bestfriend. im passed feeling bad for this girl who once happend to be my bestfriend. i am finally moving forward from my past, and in the last two days its come to my attention that its going to be easier. i need to keep moving, and giving up my friendship with sean; as much as it may kill me, needs to happen. im afraid of being forgotten, im afraid of losing him completly and that may be selfish, but this is the only place that i can be honest without anyone knowing whats going on. i dont want anyone to know any of my business so i am going to rely on these for awhile. i understand that everybody needs someone in their life to talk to, but she happends to be davids and i have to be okay with that, but i do not want her knowing my business. i dont want to deal with her everyday, im tired of my name coming out of her mouth every single day, im tired of her being in my life and being apart of my relationship. it doesnt surprise me, the things she has been saying, it doesnt surprise me that she thinks that she has a chance at being in our lives. this wont last much longer, i wont have her be apart of my life anymore, i dont need all of this. sean having a girlfriend, hurts me; not because im jealous, not because i need him and not because i want him for myself. i think its because it hurts me to finally see him move forward, it hurts me to think that if it works out with them, what was wrong with me. it hurts me to think that he could love someone else; if he does. it hurts me to see that i am no longer number one in his life. when in fact; over all the boyfriends i have had, i havent felt what i felt for him ever, maybe its bc he was my first love and after i was hurt alot of those feelings were closed off. im afraid that i wont have him as a friend anymore bc im scared for my own life and i dont know how awkward it will be now that hes with someone else. im afraid that there will no longer be someone who cares about me as much as he does/did. im scared of forgetting what i felt the first time i fell in love and im afraid that i wont have someone who knows me more than anyone im scared that he wont be there when i need someone, when my worlds fallen completly apart. im afraid that i will never see him again and il never get to say goodbye.