meanwhile at work...

Im over thinking alot lately and its going to be the death of me. i dont know exactly what my problem is but, id o know that i need to keep it together. i have stayed strong this long; i just need to keep on. all i do it move forward, all im good at is covering up how i really feel to get passed what im scared of. i have somehow let alot of people, boys, mean alot to me. and im not sure why. i assume its for being hurt so much, that i look for the good in people and i can never seem to find the "perfect" one. its probably not a good idea but to settle myself, i am going to go through them, for some reason i know that im happy, but being happy doesnt always satisfy me.n sometimes seep thoughts and depression is what i need. i might even need to go over the ones who should have or did mean something to me and it never worked out that way:

Reid. i thought i could save you, i thought our relationship would have taught you something. unfortunatly you got shit on in the end. bes wished as you continue on, but i am no longer your friend.

Michael. My greatest apologies go out to you for the way that i treated you and how things ended up. i dont like the girl i ended up being. you know that you are a great person, just not for me, you can do whatever you set your mind towards, dont let your hurt set you back.

Travis. I think because i was so young when we met, i had this fantasy of who you were. Im glad you are, where your at because you deserve happiness. to me, out "relationship" if you could even call it that, was the excitement because we were never suppose to be around eachother. you kept me young and naive, you made me believe in fairytales.

Gregory, you just make me smile. you forve me to think for myself and i know that you truely care about me. work is going to be boring without you this next month but you deserve this trip. i remember the first time i met you, i was so scared to talk or even look at you, you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. Now its hard vecause of the awkward tention sometimes. I care about you; we just had some bad timeing, i blame myself for that; i have always had bad timeing. you mean alot to me; you make me strive to succeed and be smart. you help me without even knowing sometimes and i dont know how you do it.

David. Its times like this that i appreciate you the most.( i went to write your name and you texted me). when we met, we werent exactly friends, but i knew that there was just something about you that made me like you. il admit no one annoyed me or could annoy me as much as you had but i never didnt want you around. your so strong and i praise you for that over anything. your a good friend, one of my bests. its not your job to take care of me, but you always make time to see if i am okay. you were the only one there for me before, during and after my surgery; and you made sure that i was okay that night. i dont thikn you realize how much of a good person you are; and although i dont always say or show it; i appreciate you, i love you . and i want to completely trust you but we both know that that is close to impossible for anyone. im not sure if i have ever been this honest with anyone. i tell you almost everything, i need you to trust me. i dont know what to expect out of this relationship but i know that i need to be with you right now. i dont want to be with anyone else. i dont want to find a new bestfriend. im scared; im scared of loving you. im scared of being with you and being without you. im scared of what we are both capable of and what the future; even the short furture has in store. in scared of hurting, amd hurting you. im scared of the thought that one day you could wake up and finally realize its not me you want to waste your time or heart on. i know the feeling of different relationships. i know how to be or who to be with different situations; but for the second time in my life, all i have been is myself and were doing just fine. i hate fighting with you, but knowing why it hardly gets resolved makes me realise that we are both just as stubborn as the other. im not going to hurt you, i know of this for sure.. id almost rather be unhappy that hurt you.

Sean David Jr. now that i have finally gotten to you name. im speechless. just like i have been for days, weeks, months.i thought writting would help me finally make me think about what i want or need to say; but i am for once at a loss for words for you. i have kept moving forward; trying little by little letting go of you. but for the last six years, i have failed i know that i dont necessarily need you, but i want you in my life. i love you, regardless of who i am with, where i am or whats happened. my past with you has kept holding me back from letting anyone completely in my life. you know how i feel about you, you know how muc you mean to me. i could go on for days trying to explain myself to anyone and still nobody would undertand how i felt or what i felt for you. this time apart from you makes me realize that i dont know you anymore. but i keep holding onto who you used to be; that boy is mine and he always will be. although i am happy about habing my mew friends, they will never understand sean and shelby. and i dont want to explain that to anyone anymore. all i have wanted to do is move on from our relationship but in doing so, i notived how much you meant in my life, so i tried to be bestfriends with you with no string attached. it has worked lately but not aht you have finally moved forward, im afraid again. im afraid of losing you all over, of not being who you think of when love comes up. its not fair for me to be, act or things this way but thats why i keep to myself; for the sake of you, myself and my own embarassment. im honestly scared of what this means because its the first time youvelet someone other than myself truely care about you. i hope she will care for you half as much as i still do. overall, you deserve to be happy and who and i or who would i be to confuse you or try to change your mind. all i want is for you to find happiness, and when i see that you are; i will let you go, but until than your apart of me. and if you were to ask whether or not i am, you will always be apart of me, you have honestly created who i am today. and i think i just figured that out, i wouldnt be the way i am, be friends with who i am or react in situations the way that i do if it werent for you. like i have said so many times, you are my childhood; so i think thats why i keep you by my side majority of the time. besides my parents divorce and fights with my sister, i honestly have no recollection of my childhood. im so speechless and im not sure how its possible. i used to be able to write for hours, pages and pages of useless words wasting countless sheets of paper. i guess growing up is happening more rapidly lately. i have to learn to let go; i already know or believe we will never be together again, not unless its years from now.

I am literally forcing myself to talk about sean. when im reality i need a break from doing that. i have to get myseld together and focus on what i am doing. thiss weekend i lost track, letting previous friends and boyfriends get the best of me, i lost my control and now all i have to do is get it back. no jealousy will not get the best of me, it wont ruin my life and relationship; not this time. im scared that i willbe caught up again and just be let down again. i want to be ready to be unprepared but my past has and walys does get the best of me. my feelings for people who i believe to be important in my life get in my way, sometimes more often than need be.

Kevin. you always tell me to just have fun and not worry about anyhting, to not over think anything; to go with the flow. your rebellious attitude got me once, but nnot again. im glad that we got to have our talk, many things were keft unsaid and unsettles. your a great friend, you know how to make someone feel good about themselves. i know its difficult to open up about Miranda, but now we have a little but different of a insight of eachother. you called me strong and smart, i have never actually heard someone sa this to me, you deserve alot more than youve gotten; things will come around. youll find your trust and happiness again. you love her, dont take advantage of that; your only cheating yourself in the end.