I guess they're right, people never change; not unless they truly want to change themselves. This constant misunderstanding of who does what wrong and who we trust and what we don't like and vis versa will never end unless the games that are played "behind the scenes" are finished. I will never truly be okay; I feel like deep down I will never mature into who I really strive to become, and get passed what I have held onto for so long. This feeling that I cannot let go of will be the death of me. Everyday the thought of something being wrong with me eats at my stomach and mind; it has for the last 5 years and it takes a toll out of you after a while. I know that I am not the best looking or the nicest or even the smartest girl in the world. I know that I have a lot of flaws and I'm hard to get along with or please I know that I have an issue with letting people into my life to fully understand me and I understand that without trust there is nothing so i have learned to build up relationships based on anything but trust. I expect the worst out of relationships because I have never been given a reason not to; not even with this one.

I don't want to live in the past anymore I want to move on with my life so that is the sole reason as to why I gave up talking about it. I lost alot more than I gained when I was younger; something that most teenagers can relate to. But I have lived and relived my past more times than I can remember. I try my best to keep moving forward and forgetting about what has happens but I have clearly been unsuccessful in doing so.

I know that I don't catch everything because I can't always be on top of everything. But I shouldn't feel like I have to be. I find things out and I set people up to see if they will lie about it and usually they do; almost always they do. Most of the time about little stupid things but if they knew they werent doing something wrong they wouldn't be lying about it. I know how to tell when something is wrong or Jen something seems out of place and I have never been wrong before. I keep gregs message as a reminder that I have real friends who see more in me than what meets the eye. Not because I have "other options" or because I want to pursue that plan; there is a reason as to why were not on the same page, there's a reason as to why we never amounted to anything and why he isnt here. I never say never buy he is just not an option at this point in my life. But that doesn't mean he doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't mean he is someone who I want to stop talking to and lose a
Friendship. He is very good at beating and defusing an awkward situation so i know that if we were to stop talking again; it has potential to be okay when we start talking again; but that will not be because Dave makes me not talk to him. Someone who is as sketchy and sneaky and has done whatever yet still "does him" doesn't deserve to own that much of me. I will never let this go it will always eat away at me; because I'm not stupid I am not an idiot, I'm a person with feelings who just wants to get by. The baby bullshit has got to go and I don't see that happening any time soon.