Not many people really understand this; which isnt hard to believe because I dont even understand it. Someways are easier than most nights but I need to find the time that I need to write and really write. I always have something else to do rather than write at the needed moments; whether it's that I have Dave over my shoulder or I just simply want to go to bed, I haven't really written in what seems to be forever. I've recently come to the terms that I will never fully recover because it is just not in the cards for me, I haven't been given the time to fix myself before jumping into something else which is something I can only blame myself for. I feel so alone sometimes, like nothing is right anymore but at the same tome I know that it's because I won't let anyone into this world thats inside my head. The closest I feel to somebody understanding me is Greg but il save that for another time; because if by some chance this gets read I want to get what I want to say about him right so that my words can not be misconstrued. Having my best friend be gone and out of my life sometimes hurts me, to know that the one person that once knew my whole life story, who knew what I was feeling and thinking before I noticed myself and who didn't put up with my bullshit; to know that they will no longer be around or that they no longer take the aniciative to "check in" makes me feel like my childhood no longer exists anymore. Sometimes I sit here in bed late at night and just wonder what could have been or what would have happened if I kept my feet on the ground, of Dave wasn't here, if I really just let him go. Sometimes I think that I should have; but majority of the time I know that I wouldn't have been able to comfortably stand my life without him. I don't go many days without thinking of what's happened or without remembering those days and reliving them. It eats at my stomach and mind everyday but I know that things could be worse; so much worse so all I can do it wait until it goes away and hopefully it doesn't take 5 years. I don't have that kind of time to waste on something so small.