"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. " -Eleanor Roosevelt


Sometimes I am afraid that this relationship will fail, but than i remind myself, that i have to be ready for the unexpected, for so long i have just expected not only myself but people i surround myself with to fail, so that i personally am not let down. this time i have to make some changes; and i believe that not making any expectations about this relationship is a step in that direction. i am not sure where this is going or how long it will last or what the future holds, but i dont plan on making assumptions and planning out "our" future becuase all that has done is cause failure. im scared of saying the wrong thing, or saying to much and even too little. im afraid of being imperfect; and although i am well aware of my infinate flaws, i have come to terms with them. there is not one person out there who knows me, really truely knows everything about me anymore; and i think that its for the better. i believe that letting one person know my whole life was a mistake and one that i made on my own, no i dont regret it becuase i wouldnt have sean in my life what so ever. but at the same time i now see that it is better to keep some things to yourself. i tried being closed off, i tried keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and i always found myself here, failing miserably, but giving certain people a little insight of my life seems like the perfect balance. With the few friends that i have that i actually consider to be my real friends, i keep a serious look out on things, and im not sure why exactly. i think becuase i am trying to not expect things, my level of trust has changed. or maybe its because i cant trust myself, let alone another person; this im not sure of. When everything fell apart again, i was surprised to see who had my back, people who i never expected to fall into my life; are now my bestfriends. i miss having that one person who knew me, and knew what i thought and felt before i even did; but i now have something different. i seem to have my own mind, and my own set of thoughts that no one can change or take away from me. im strong and hard headed and i have a mind of my own finally. i stand up for myself, as well as others; and i finally believe that i am the kind of person who is worth someone elses time, i finally believe in myself long enough to make a good choice for my life. I know that I am making good choices for myself, right now; my life is on hold, school is on hold and work is slowing moving along. i finally see that there are people out there willing to help out if you just ask around; and once again its the ones who you least expect to be there for you. I seem to write more everyday; but i know its becuase i want to remember my story, i want to be able to share with my children; my knowledge. i want to be able to look back and see how far i have come. Reading old blogs and letters; sometimes make me laugh but almost always bring me back to that day; and for a few moments i remember that day and those feelings perfectly. i know see writting all of this as an advantage instead of being pathetic, vulnerable and weak. I have confidence in my life and my decisions. i see that i can do what i put my mind to; im not scared to fail anymore; because i have no choice but to succeed anymore. like ive always said, this is my life and its no longer a joke; and i am finally putting that into affect. Im Shelby, and i'l be twenty soon, i have been through alot of family struggles, but not as much as others. I used to believe that blood was thicker than water; and than i met my mother; truely met her. I have a hard head; and i believe in myself, something that took many years to build. I have common problems with myself, just like any girl; but i see myself as different; i am not like anyone else; i am my own, uncommon. I am constantly moving forward, this may be my biggest flaw as well as my biggest asset.