04-07-11

listening to country really brings me back to who i am inside and i dont know why i dont do it more often. i sit at this desk and think sometimes, just in the silence of whats really going on around me and whats happend in the past. i realize that i am strong and i am intellegent and i understand alot more than i give myself credit for. There is still alot of factors that im not fond of in myself, for instance my confidence and my relationship with my mom. the fact that i dont see myself as pretty or skinny, im never going to be good enough for myself, but i also think that this is because ive used those excuses for why my past relationships have never worked out. all of them except michael, because all of my previous relationships have been the same except his; i took advantage of that, but i never pretended not to. now, its like we never existed and its like that part of my life never happend and im fine with that. i guess its better that we dont exist to eachother; becuase when it comes down to it, i dont really want to be in his life and i dont want him in mine,i dont see either of us being friends. michael isnt really someone i could be friends with i dont think, i think it would be strictly a realtionship basis, if i could, i would apologize for doing what i did and things ending the way that they did. but neither one of us were to blame completly, i also think that i am the only one who will ever admit that. reid, that part of my life defined highschool and i would take that back if i could, but i also believe that it made me a stronger person and it taught me the meaning of family and friends. sean is always another story, one that right now, i dont want to share. im honestly heart broken with whats going on now; and what has happend. that boy has my heart and he knows it, he is my bestfriend in the whole world regardless of the meaningless and important events that have happend and whats been said, he will always have me to fall back on when the world crashed under him and i dont think that he really understands that. i now, finally understand that we will never be together, i now fully understand that were passed repair and yes, it hurts me and yes, it bothers me but sometimes you just have to keep moving forward and thats all ive been trying to do. David, my friend, my boyfriend. someone who i have unexpectedly started to fall in love with, so far its perfect, fights, problems, happiness and laugher; through all of this i honestly dont know where its going or whats in store; but im ready for it. for whatever reason; im finally prepared to be unprepared.