jlo.

“If you love someone, don`t wait till tomorrow to tell him/her. Maybe that next day will never come at all.”
Jennifer Lopez quote

truth. you might never get the chance to let yourself out to the world. you might surprise yourself with the people that you surround yourself with. when you love someone its worth the chance. its worth knowing if it was all worth it or if it was something you kept behind you.

unknown.

"Our time was a long time ago, i fell in love with you. Maybe you've forgotten about it, maybe it didn't mean anything to you. But, I remember and it meant a lot to me... it still does."

truth. im not about to lie about my love for travis. he was, is and always will be my bestfriend. i never want to live without him. i cant believe that this past year i listened to my boyfriend and didnt talk to or hangout with travis. i miss him so much. i love him more than anything in the world. he is what keeps me going. sometimes i wish that i could just take this break from sean and see where the world takes me because whether i like it or not my life is nothing good at all. im not about to lie about it either. im not a happy person and i wont be for a long time. i want things to change i want to be happy i want things to make sense again and i want it sooner than later. travis is that one boy that i will always be weak for. he will always be that what if boy and frankly, i dont care that he is. he will be there when i need him and to be honest i need him right now. its actually his birthday today and i find myself crying because he isnt by my side. i love travis so much and sometimes i wonder what my life would consist of if i just let him have my heart and dropped sean. i wish that i didnt feel trapt with sean for all these things. i wish that i could be heartless for one last day like i used to be. i wish that i could have the things that i wanted again. i wish that things werent so diffucult to get. i wish it was all easy like it used to be. i want to see what i would do and who i would be without sean. i want to see how travis and me would be and how things would end up. i want to be trusted enough by myself to make the right decisions and not be hated for doing it. i wish that i would care enough about myself to make myself happy instead of caring what everyone else thought. i will be there for sean forever whether it is by his side or in his arms, i will be there for him whenever he needs me. but i cant take feeling the way i do and reliving everything that i have to everyday because of what he did. im done with being the stupid girl and im done with being looked at as the desperate girl that is hooked on her boyfriend and believes everything that he says and doesnt care what he does and believes every word that he promises her. i used to be happy i used to not care what people thought about me until now, and i hate it. i want this to be over i want to get things to and end and make over my life to something that i really want.

im sorry.

it doesnt even matter if this post is way diffrent than all the others. but i have lied more times this past week than ever. i have lied for my own fun and i dont even care sometimes. i do it because people in my life the ones who mean the most make my life so difficult. they take my life by the reins and run my life into the future. im done with not haveing control over what i do. im done with people chooseing what i can and cant do. im done with lying my way out of things just so i can do them. im done with hurting people because they cant handle the truth when they want to hear it. im done with not making my goals. all i had was one more day just to prove that i wasnt the person that i was before and i couldnt do it. i broke something that i cant take back because after it happend zak kissing me, i knew that in the morning i would still remember what happend even though he wouldnt because no matter how messed up i was that night, its something that couldnt slip my mind. i knew that at the moment where my lips were touched with someone elses that i wouldnt be able to take it back because even if it wasnt all my fault, i would blame myself because not only did i go to a party get drunk almost break my no drugs ever policy and go out with boys and kiss zak. for the one who controls my life i lied about the whole thing. mike picked us up from my house and went the party with alex. he brought us to alexs to sleepover when we were supposed to go out for ice cream. i have to lie to have fun and thats not something im down with. i want to be able to have fun and tell the truth to the people that i love. i want to rememeber being happy and i want to remember being the girl who can do what they want to make it through the day. i want my life back i want to know who i am and i want to get my story straight. im done with friends who cant keep their mouths shut and all the people in my school who cant kep their legs closed and their heads up. im done with hating everything and everyone. im sorry that i wasnt what you expected and im sorry that i mess up but most of all im sorry that i wasnt enough to make you happy and that il never be the person that you made me. that will never stay.

aretha franklin

"Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more." - Aretha Franklin

truth. i have only thought that i have learned from my past. i really have not. i just hide it away. i mean sure ive seen and learned what i have done is wrong and i have told myself not to do it but i dont think that i would be able to keep it up. its something that i dont confide myself in. i wish i could because i miss my bestfriend. i miss how he made me feel. i miss having him by my side and now caring who was looking. i miss the boy who taught me to be happy. i miss the boy who found the real me and didnt walk away. i miss the boy who taught me to see the world as something happy and as the best thing ive ever gone through. i miss the one who would stay on the phone with me for countless hours even though he had to be up early in the morning. i feel like ive lost him so much this year. i feel like he has been out of my life for so long and really its been just lately. he wont answer to me and he doesnt want to talk to me at all. i miss how much of a friend i used to have. i miss that i dont have the person that i could spill my heart out to completely. i miss that i dont have the only person that i trusted with my life. im a complete mess now and to be honest i dont really care about it. my heart is all over the place just trying to find its way and i am still where i am today because my heart deserves some breaking sometimes. you have to respect something in order to not hurt it and i dont care about myself so for my heart to be all over the place... i could honestly careless. plus when you prepare your heart for a downfall, its ready to lose respect for that person who made you fall. its just that easier to let them go when you lose your respect towards them. its makes it that easier to see them for who they really are and it makes it more easy to let them go without looking back and regretting what you did. if staying here is going to end up with me wasting my time then it will be my fault and i wont blame anyone but myself. i dont care about myself and i dont care that i hurt. some people just want to be sad all the time and me i really could careless what i am as long as i dont hate. i just want to learn from my mistakes and take in the moments when i mess up. i want to know that i can pick myself up when i fall and that i am capable of doing what i say i can. i want to be trusted to hangout with my bestfriend and not do anything wrong. i want to believe in myself that i can be strong and be confident again. im getting sick of this life time around that ive got going for me but im willing to change it if i really have to.

useable.tempporary

"Everybody in life is a chameleon." Melanie Chisholm


"Don't care how you look, it's just how you feel.” -spice girls.

I am gonna make some noise. I just think about me and the best that I can be. I can't live up to everybody's expectations but my own. Whitney Houston

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow; if I fail, or if I succeed at least I did as I believe. Whitney Houston

“I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow if I fail, if I succeed at least I did as I believe.” whitney houston

Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more. Aretha Franklin

August 12, 2007

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy. "
-Wayne Dyer

truth. im shelby and i have no idea who i am or what im about. i want to be worth someones time. but when people say it i just blow it off and dont believe them, maybe its because im not worth my own time. i look down apon myself and kick myself around because i dont believe in myself. i dont like myself, i never have and i probably never will. ive learned that i dont cope well with change and ive learned some specific things about myself. im not a person to judge others quickly and i give everyone a chance before i decide to talk badly about them or think against them. i believe that everyone deserves a second chance and if they need more they will have to work for it. ive learned that i can be smart and that i can be stupid. ive learned more about myself in the last two years that i have ever known. but ive also changed the most in the last two years as well so i keep contradicting what i know. im not one to talk about making mistakes because i have made my share of them. but i know that there are people out there who have it way worse than i do. i dont like telling people my business or letting them into my world not because im afraid they will judge me but simply because i dont want people to feel bad for me or want me to talk to them about it and let them try to understand it. i wish that i was worth my own time because maybe then i would understand myself and be a person that ive wanted to be all along. i want to meet myself. i want to own up to things that i tried to forget about. i want to say sorry to every person that ive ever hurt or done wrong to. i want to love the world again and not be afraid of it. i want to walk through the school with my head up and feet on the ground and my boyfriend in the palm of my hand and not care what people say about me once again. i want to look however i want and not care what they say. i want to be able to relax and smile and not have to worry about anything. i want to live up to what people expect when they see me walking passed them. i dont want to be misleading anymore. i want the world to change, but it doesnt seem to be changing quick enough so i guess il just have to change for it instead.

move on.

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
-unknown

truth. i want to leave this place, this house i live in. these people that i deal with everyday. for the last six years ive wanted to move and ive even almost done it over 15 times. i hate the house that i grew up in sense all it is, is lies. my whole childhood was thrown out when my dad moved out. after i wasnt allowed to move with him, my life started its downfall. ever since that day that i watched him move all of his belongings into a uhaul, ive wanted him to open his car door and tell me to get in after we packed a uhaul for me to tag along. my dad is my world and the truth to anything ive said is that he is what i need, hes life for me. i still sit in my room every valentines day and every august 8th and look at pictures after pictures and write journal after journal. it seems to be the only thing that lives up to being worth my time. this summer i realised that its my turn to change my life around because that world and the people in it arent making any type of a posative impact on my life what so ever. my dad and his girlfriend are having problems again and he is staying with my sister. i guess laura attacked him and stratched him and dug him up and all this. this is the type of life that i used to obide by. that is the behavior that i tended to believe was okay and i found it amuzing. i want this year to be diffrent. im done with the people in my school. im done with who ive dealt with. i want to start over and be somebody who is worth their own time. i want to figure out who i am. i want to meet myself and understand why i like it that way. i want to be or become that person that was okay when the world was changing. i want to be stable. i dont want to have these random acts of sadness. i dont want people looking at me like i am stepped on. i dont want to be walked all over. i dont think that life is worth my time. im done trying to please people. im fed up with being told that i am happy. im done trying to act that its okay when im not at all okay. im done with faking a laugh and a smile when in fact its not for real. im done with living with the fact that i only believed that i was okay and that i was happy for a month. but in reality everything was a mess. i try to pick myself up to be presentable. i try to get an understandment with myself when i am sad. i try to take care of myself when i cant handle it all at once. its difficult for the world to get a comprimise from everyone here. people are stubborn and they arent willing to change. the people in my school are stuck up and all they look out for is themselves. they have their noses stuck to the ceilings and they dont have a open mind. i honestly cant name some person that i can not stand being next to or talking with, until now. ive never really hated anyone. ive always wanted to be everyones friend with the exceptions of the ones who betray others or the ones who are flat out mean. i want to have a negative free environment. and i want everyone to be clean and drug free. i want to much and i want to change myself to the extreme but in my heart i know i dont have a chance.

bff residence

"Life is short, live it." - Kathy Lumpkins

truth. my best friends mom said that to us today at the beach and to god honest truth is that shes right. i always say life int short enough but if i died tonight or even next month my life would have been horrible. ive had good times but i was the expirience of life that older people went through. i want to get to have to time to make mistakes and get upset and be hated and loved, i want to love and get married have kids graduste get into a good college, have something to look forward to when im older. i want to live life by the minute not ny the day. i want to have fun and not have to worry about what im going to do next. i want to love every choice i make in the end because it was all worth it. there are things that i wouldnt ever try doing but that doesnt stop me from doing the things that make me happy or make my life worth living on. ive learned that you can make mistakes but in the end everything will end up the way its supposed to happen. i believe everything happends for a reason, even if it takes a lifetime to find it out. ive learned that not everyone is worth your time but its worth giving them the time for you to figure it out or not. the world is dangerous and loud youve got to be cautios and attentive at all times. you have to have both feet on the ground and your head up eyes wide open. you will all make mistakes and you tend to find out that certian people love you for them. you are going to be worth someones time one day whether you believe them or not.one day your tears will dry up. one day you will want to cry and there wont be anything there. the world is a mess and you need to keep yourself a float. its rediculous how much the world and all the people in it try to mess it up and you think everything hates you. pray to god everynight. he watches over you so that you can pick yourself up when you fall. or the good people that your surround yourself with help pick up all your broken peaces and put them all back together. lifes not always great but live it like its going to be your last. its not worth being sad and holding grudges all throughout, you have your friends and you have you family thats really all you need.

jordan lilly

"Regret inNumbers: you guys brok eup right
xoShelKate: no
Regret inNumbers: WHATTTT
xoShelKate: i wishxoShelKate: i know
Regret inNumbers: WHAT THE FUCK
xoShelKate: i told you ive got to be the most stupidest girl in the world.
Regret inNumbers: tell him right now
Regret inNumbers: yo
Regret inNumbers: asshole
Regret inNumbers: you had SEX with someother girl after wed been dating 9 months
Regret inNumbers: i dont stand for cheaters
Regret inNumbers: peace up outta this relationship
xoShelKate: haha i really wish i could.
xoShelKate: but nine months with his kid has been way to long ive lost friendships and bestfriends i lost my life over the past year.
xoShelKate: i dont know anything more than himxoShelKate: its horrible.
xoShelKate: and hes all like i cant live without you shit. i try to kil myself bc of this and like all this stuff.
Regret inNumbers: he said that or you do
xoShelKate: he said that
Regret inNumbers: oh
Regret inNumbers: well im a guy
xoShelKate: he would kiss himseld.
Regret inNumbers: and i know guys will say anything patehtic enough to get back a girl
xoShelKate: haha i know.
Regret inNumbers: or to get one in the first place
Regret inNumbers: i know its hard to let go
Regret inNumbers: for innnnnnnstance
Regret inNumbers: i was/have been/am (depends on how i think about it) in love with onye for like a year almost. and like 3 weeks ago, i told her
Regret inNumbers: and she was like
Regret inNumbers: i have felt the same since we met
Regret inNumbers: but i dont want to persue things because it will fuck up our friendship
Regret inNumbers: and i was/am heartbroken and devestated
Regret inNumbers: cause we'd hook up a little bit and it would be like ugghhh fucking with my head.
xoShelKate: thats horrible. im sorry
Regret inNumbers: =/
Regret inNumbers: but like
Regret inNumbers: she was trying to protect our friendship by not persuing anything
Regret inNumbers: and now its completely fuckkkkedddd
Regret inNumbers: like we are hardly on speaking terms and we are really awkward and all this hit
Regret inNumbers: so it actually messed itup more to not persue it
Regret inNumbers: anyway
Regret inNumbers: im being forced to pull myself away from her
Regret inNumbers: and its hard
Regret inNumbers: like
Regret inNumbers: reallllly hardf
Regret inNumbers: buti know i have to
Regret inNumbers: and you gottaxoShelKate: see thats what sucks is letting go after thats the life you take on for so long and set your heart onto.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
xoShelKate: this past year ive became a totally diffrent person. sean has basiclly controlled everything i do. during school i didnt talk ot hangout with most of my friends i lost alex and jammella for a while and all my time was on him and his hockey games. and like he always said forever. i want to marry you i love you more than anything
Regret inNumbers: ughh
xoShelKate: and its like you get lost in the moments when guys talk to you like that and you forget that its just how they are because thats how every girl imagines their perfect boy. and i look at it now and hes like i love you more than anything and all i can think is its all a lie.
xoShelKate: everything hes ever told me was a lie.
Regret inNumbers: its fucked up i know what you mean
Regret inNumbers: because if im right about how i think you feel its like
Regret inNumbers: hes had so much control over you
Regret inNumbers: that you almost need his consent to tell him off
xoShelKate: basically. theres three things that are keeping me from breaking up with him
xoShelKate: 1) i know i cant stay away i know that if we were to break up i would be with him again in a month tops.
xoShelKate: 2) that means starting over from ten
xoShelKate: and three) he trys to kill himself every night. i wont let him get off the phone until he is asleep and i know it.
Regret inNumbers: if hes that messed up he needs help, like professional help
xoShelKate: i said i would be in his life forever. whether it was just to be there for whatever he needed,il be his friend but i dont know if i can handle going into my room and knowing that thats where i found out what he did. i dont like going in there becaue its like he took my room away from me.
xoShelKate: i know. and like youve seen my arm i have a heart on my hand to. its something thats noyt me at all. i dont cut myself it was like just something i said i would never do and i did it. but him he is serious.
xoShelKate: and like i get scared because he bails out on doing it because he cant let himself. i dont want him out of the world. i want him to be by my side no matter what.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
Regret inNumbers: its a fine line you walk
xoShelKate: really thoug.xoShelKate: its been the worst week and a half ever
xoShelKate: the only night i got out and didnt think about it was when we wnt to northern lights
Regret inNumbers: thats the magic of jordan lillly
xoShelKate: im sorry i just like blurted out my life on you.
Regret inNumbers: its totally cool
Regret inNumbers: i like to help people or at least give them someone to vent to
xoShelKate: its okay ifd you now think im a total crazy person ahah
xoShelKate: thanks
xoShelKate: and yeah it really is the jordad lilly magic :-)
Regret inNumbers: hahahaxoShelKate: ohh did you get the pictures?
Regret inNumbers: yes
xoShelKate: fagot asian
Regret inNumbers: im assuming that asian girl is the cunt
xoShelKate: yeah
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: AZNs
xoShelKate: i saw that first picture of her in the bathing suit while i was witjh my friend lisa
xoShelKate: and im like PLEASE tell me shes fatter than me. i will go anorexic if not
Regret inNumbers: haha
Regret inNumbers: no
Regret inNumbers: really
Regret inNumbers: your body is perfect
Regret inNumbers: :-P
Regret inNumbers: thats me drooling over it
Regret inNumbers: hahaha
xoShelKate: thanks <333
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: girls who are way skinny are gros
sxoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: im not kidding
xoShelKate: i was by the pool today and lisa was over again
xoShelKate: and i got out on the deck and i sucked in as much as i could because one of our frends breeanne does it and it was the grossest thing ive ever witnessed im not going to lie
Regret inNumbers: ew haha
Regret inNumbers: id rather see you naked than any azn ever
xoShelKate: haha
xoShelKate: i hate asian.
xoShelKate: offically
Regret inNumbers: hahaha yzz
xoShelKate: aha
Regret inNumbers: yo
xoShelKate: yo...
Regret inNumbers: these lyrics describe yur situation so well
Regret inNumbers: You reach for meSuch love for a traitorLike I amMy tears tonight prove I find I'm worthlessYou're all I am
xoShelKate: indeed they do."

truth. even friends i have just met are there for me. jordan lilly everybody. the best boy ive ever met. hes the greatest listener. and i love talking to him because he really does help, he brings himself into the problem and relates something he has gone though. im glad that ive learned to surround myself with people that are genuine and kind.

go john gogh.

"go john gogh: i knwow this is shollow but baby
go john gogh: idk personality, he might be amazing
go john gogh: but looks
go john gogh: you could do alot better bby"

"jammellaa: dtik'
xoShelKate: dirty tramps i kill
xoShelKate: jasmine what?
jammellaa: hahahaha<333"

truth. my friends really will be there for me through this. thank god i dont know if i could make it through without them. even the ones that i havent known for that long or that i dont know that well are there for me and i love when i find people that will be by my side through everything. thank you

anderson, jammella

"jammellaa: im sorry
jammellaa: shelby
jammellaa: and im not saaying anything more
jammellaa: but this
jammellaa: you are a beautiful girl, and you deserve more than you get
jammellaa: don't settle, you're better than that"

truth. my friends back me up twenty four seven. they dont understand why i stay with sean for what he has done but they back me up. they dont judge me for being so stupid and all they do is be there for me if i ever need to talk to someone. i dont know why i am so stupid about being with sean. why cant i just leave. i wonder why i need him so much sometimes because i wish that i didnt. he isnt the boy i used to know. and i dont know if i can think of him any diffrently than i do. but i want to try. he is everything to me and all i wanted was for him and me to be okay. why did he ruin it why did he make me so sad and break my heart. i dont know if anyone can pick up all the pieces because they are shatterd all over the place. i know some day i will be okay but i dont want to risk my heart ever again. i dont want to be lied to and i dont want to just think that i am happy, i dont want to have to fake a smile and laugh. i want to smile and laugh for real. i dont think i will ever believe a boy in my life. why cant one guy prove girls wrong and make us believe and know that they arent all the same and that they arent always going to break us down. love is a lie. and we believe what we see in the movies and the shows by it being this big fairytale ending and loveing unconditionally no bodywill get hurt and everything will happen to make you feel better.

ashlee

"My love, look at what you've done to meFor someone who has felt so strongIt's amazing I'm completely gone." -Ashlee Simpson

truth. you cheated and ilove you and i cant leave you because i cant do that to myself. you have me hooked and look what i have to deal with now. i cant lay down with you kissing you is out of the questin saying i love you while looking at you.. id be lying to your face and hugging you is the hard knowing that you had your hands all over her like that not too long ago. im not the only one for you and i cant live with that. i dont want to start from ten back to one. i dont believe a word that comess out of your mouth, i look at you and see a typical teenage boy. rediculous

boyfriend liess

“Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest who is not discovered.”
-Susannah Centlivre

truth. you said you loved me, you said you would never hurt me but then you go and cheat on me the worst thing anyone could do. and all i want is to forget about it because there is no way this is for real. im not living this lie anymore. im living the way that desperate whipped girls live. thats not me and things are going to change. you lied. you lied about everything youve ever said to me about waiting for me and wanting to lose your self while i did. fuck that. your the biggest liar ive ever known and im so stupid to stay with you because the only reason you told me is because everyone else knew. my friends knew and didnt tell me and it didnt happen once but it happend twice in one day fuck this. im done i need to do something. almost ten months of my life wasted on something and someone who is a lie

goals.dreams

"It's a dream until you write it down, and then its a goal." - Anonymous

truth. i dont like setting goals because when i dont finish them, people know and i let not only myself down but everyone else. but here i go. im going to take the chance.
1)do something nice for someone who getts picked on in school.
2)expect the unexpected.
3)save (workfor) money religiously.
4)go to church.
5)read as many books as i can.
6)prove people wrong about myself and travis.
7)do something i said i would never do.
8)keep more promises than i break.
9)stay clean.
10)spend time with my extended family.
11)visit my grandpa oakes as much as i can.
12)be honest when im wrong or when ive dont wrong.
13)be friend someone i dislike.
14)laugh and smile for a reason.
15)think before i speak.
16)challenge myself.
17)be trusted.
18)be trustworthy.
19)have faith.
20)love for all the right reasons.

helen keller

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller

truth. i need to stop being so scared of the world around me. i need to start living the way i was ment to live. i need to wake up and be the right person. i need to smile and laugh for real. i need to be with my real friends and not leave them behind. i need to love all the time and be a normal person without sadness all the time. i need to forget about things and let people go. i need to take risks and i need to take challenges. i can do better than what i apply myself to but i chose to take the easy way out. i need to realize i have people backing me up forever. i need to live spontaniously like i used to. i need to learn from my past. i need to see what other people see when they look at me. i need to change myself to better my life. frankly im content with who i am now but in reality in not good enough for most people. i envy the way people have passion for things in their lives. i enjoy listening to mellow music. i am proud of people who have dreams. i envy other peoples talents. i sit back and watch talk shows and wonder if i will be able to help or save people that ask for my help or advise.i wonder if i can make in impact on someone elses life. my life is a disaster and all i want is my bestfriend back in my arms. and my boyfriend by my side, backing me up.

broken

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

truth. i wish i could live up to what i always wanted myself to be. but in reality all i do is lie. im scared of everything around me now. and not only am i hating it but im hating life all over again. travis i talked to you today for the first time in a real long time. you made me laugh but it felt like we were back at the days where we were bff, brother sister. and thats how i want it to be. you promised to call me back when you left me. and to my surprise you didnt let me down. i thank you. sean made me choose between him and trav. if i talk to trav within the next at least three months then he will leave. this life im living is bullshit but i dont deserve better. and sean, well he does. this life isnt what i expected and the summer goals i wrote are going to turn out and be lifetime goals. i can not accomplish them in this short of a time let, in fact i dont think i will ever be able to finish them all. this is my life now. a lie. a hypocrite. all fears. and i hate it but nothing unusualto hate myself. i accomplished a heart in my hand today, throbbing pain. no regrets and il never regret it. i wont forget what it is for. the heart is for travis and sean, the boys who brought me into the world and made me complete opposite people. the two boys who ment something to me and i made mistakes over. the two boys who hated eachother and loved me. the two boys who i had to chose over in the end. the world wont stop. life isnt short enough.



get to know me.

hinder

"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. It sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel. Hearing those words it makes me weak." -Hinder

truth. i called, you answered.and it was great. though you were sleeping just to hear your voice made things seem so much better. all you said was that you love me and that was just enough. i need you to be my bestfriend again. to prove all of them wrong about you. you were always just enough for me. you made me see the world as a painted canvas, full of love and hapiness. without you im in fear of everything in sight of me. you sounded so sad. you sounded beat. you sounded out of it and alone at the same time. il be here for you always. i cant leave you behind, no matter what anybody says. your my bestfriend. whether they like it or not.

pamala anderson

"I am what I am and I'm a horrible liar. I can't do it. I'm just very candid." Pamela Anderson

truth. all i do is find myself lying more and more. i woke up and lied to my bestfriend about hanging out today. then to my boyfriend about hanging out at a family party when it was all bands from our school and friends. then i lied about smoking ciggs sense the last time i did it and said i would stop because i got so sick. but since then ive dragged twice from mikes and megan gave me one the other day. i get so upset and i cant help it. its stress and anger. im hypacritical and i want to get out. it helps me feel better even though its bad. smoke makes me sick to my stomach when i second hand breathe it. but when its me i could care less. i hate it. i hate myself.

gavin.

"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor

truth. i miss my dad all the time more than anyone else. hes the one who i needed back then to pick me up off the ground and kiss my scraped knees. he is the one that i will need to be there when my heart is broken.

tek. you make it so hard not to believe sean. you dont care about me. ive called you so many times and you wont answer a single call. im getting so sick of hurting myself over what i did wrong or why my besstfriend wouldnt talk to me. i need you. but i need you to be there for me. "im gunna love you more than anyone."

dreams die hard.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
- Epicuros

truth. i had a dream last night and you were in it. you were sitting inside at a table and i snuck up on you anf flung my arms around you. i had the biggest smile and the best feeling again. then i had to go t o the bathroom and when i came back to where you were you left. i couldnt even give you what i made you. i guess my life will never come back together. i woke up and i cant lose that memory. i want to see you i want to be able to run and jump on you and give you the biggest hug like i used to. i want to be able to hangout with you and i want you to see that im your bestfriend not just you say it but acctaully know that i am here for you all the time. i need you though i need you to be there for me. i need you to be my friend back. i need you to come back to who you used to be. when the you come back and we are the same people we used to be il be here. il be waiting until the end of time.

fear in itself.

"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love."---- Graham Greene -

truth. my life is full of fear. my life is full of lies. ive been living this lie that nobody except myself can explain. but i can only explain it to myself otherwise it doesnt make sense. ive been lying to myself. ive been lying to everyone around me. a long time ago i gave a piece of my heart away to a special boy who lead me to see the world. he made me see things that could only been seen with a certian attitude. he made me feel like i was dancing in the moon light with the most eliquant dress on and the most gorgeous heals. he made me feel like the only girl in the room. he was the boy who made me see the world as fun. nothing but joy was on my face when he was in my sight. this boy was the best of my world even if we were bestfriends. but when i got this new boyfriend, he wanted nothing other than his goal to become reality. to change my completely. into someone that i once was. to be the girl who forgot about travis, the girl who was all about tears and fear. when i look at it these past nine months with him have been steady for the most part but when i look at it, he has broken me down into tiny pieces that i cant pickup and put back together. i worry that one day he will leave. i wake up everyday and fall asleep to the thought of travis and followed by guilt that ive thought about him. travis is in my past and my present though not as much and im not letting go so he will be in my future. whenever i think about the fear i have of losing either sean or travis i lose all emotion after a while i want to let myself go. i want to be by myself. i hate the world and i hate seeing it the way i do. society is my fear. when it used to be my happiness. i want my life back. i want to be happy. i want to make a real smile for real reasons. i want to have friends. i dont want to be lonely anymore. i dont want to lose what i once had. i dont want to let go. i wont want to fear what the world has to come. i want to know that everything will be okay i want to know that everything will turn out the way its supposed to. i dont want to be told. i want to believe it. i want to trust it. i used to know that everything happend for a reason. i used to know that in the end everything will work out the way it is supposed to. but now, my life is messed up. i have forgotten what i used to believe in. i want to go back to when things made sense. i want my bestfriend back. i want the boy that i fell for three years ago. its not fair for me to live this lie. its not fair for me to lead people on just to break them apart. i dont want to feel like this anymore. knowing that boy you love doesnt love you back but trying to make yourself disbelieve it rips you apart and throws you around. your heart breaks everyday and only they can pick up the pieces.

a walk to remember

Jamie: You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend.
Landon: I don't want to just be your friend.
Jamie: You don't know what you want.
Landon: Neither do you. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you.
Jamie: And why would that scare me?
Landon: Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

truth. it seems like each day that passes by makes me more sad. it makes me think that im not worth trav's time anymore. its been about four days that ive called and he wont answer my texts or calls at all, wont call or text back. i wish i could prove sean wrong along with every other one of my friends who doesnt believe you can do it. i know you and me can prove them wrong. i try to beleive you when you say that you will change for me. i loved you once and i still have that love for you but you havent made me feel so secure about it all in a long time. we ised to be bestfriends and though we still are we have fallen apart. we have drifted into people who arent who we used to be. i need you to be there for me just like you need me to be there for you. you are everything that once belonged to me. you are everything i use to be. you are all i cared about for a long time and as long as you were backing me up i was fine with messing up the rest of my life because we were the only thing that made since to me. i know what you did i knew how you acted but it was something i was smart enough to not let my heart get into. i can never give you my heart. you walk around with a piece of it everyday anyways, and that alone is way to much for you to handle. you arent careful enough you dont treat it delicatly. you kick it around like a soccer ball. though you are a star you break me apart slowly everyday. i cant lose you in my life but you allowing it to happen. you promised we would always be friends through it all. i need you to keep that promise to me. i need you to be there when i fall apart. i need you to pick up all the pieces.

blink 182

"When I needed you most when I needed a friend, you let me down now like I let you down then" -Blink 182

truth. all i want is to see travis. all i want is to be able to hangout with him and not let everyone down. i cant let go of him. the one boy who was my bestfriend and stayed by my side when everything got messed up. he will stay by my side until the day i die, whether or not everyone else likes it, thats their fault. i let you down before and stopped talking to you i listened to someone else instead of myself. and now you are paying me back for what ive done. i say that its not fair. i say that i wish you would change to your old self. the boy i fell in love with for how funny caring and considerate you were. but it has all changed for drugs. and im not saying im not to blame. it started changing when i got this new boyfriend. all i want is to see you happy and clean. i want to be by your side through it all. i promised id chose you and thats what i did and thats what im going to continue to do. but dont let me down. i need to prove to them all that you can change and that you will change for me. i need to prove them all wrong about you. i need to prove to them that you care about me more than just being alive. that you care who i am without and with you.

"I don't trust him. We're friends." - Bertolt Brecht

truth. if i could have trusted you in the beginning i could have had you. i could have been able to be with you and trusted that you wouldnt break me apart, and that you would care enough to change that part of you. im not able to change my lifestyle because of the way you are. i need you to be my friend. but when we were and when we do talk about being together you and i both know that we cant because i cant trust you no matter what you say and no matter how many times you tell me and reassure me that you will change yourself and you would never hurt me. the reason why we are just friends is because you have changed to much and i dont want to give you my whole heart. i wouldnt want you to hold it in your hands because you wont be to delicate with it at all.you will throw it around like a toy and im scared of getting my heart broken. i cant chance what your capable of.

the notebook

"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

truth.
believe it nobody in this world should think that they are the most important in the world they shouldnt think the highest of the high. because in reality we all make mistakes, at one point weve done something or said something without thinking. and the truth is people are hypocrites when they disagree. ive never thought that i was special ive never thought highly of myself. we all think about the same things once in a while. in my school theres probably 1 in 10000 people who will ever be eligible to have something named after them. we all think that we will make a diffrence in the world when in reality, its near impossible. when i die my name will eventually fade away. people will mourn over me and go to my funeral and wake. they will laugh and talk about the good times and reminisce on our memories. but eventually my name will slowly die off along with everyone elses. but knowing that i gave my heart out to someone who was always there for me and wanted what was best for me, that alone filled my life out with the most joy in the world. knowing that i had enough in me to change day by day and knowing i gave my heart a second chance instead of ruining myself and being someone who was never really me. knowing that i trusted someone with my life and not only loved them but they loved me back, that alone is the best gift in life itself.

oth.

"Don't be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don't be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb. Be yourself. But make sure you fit in."-Anna


truth. the world is changing each day and its all getting worse. you get into eighth grade and you life begins to change, all the friends you thought you had change into people who want to be cooler and hangout with the popular clique. if you cant keep up its too bad. ninth grade is where your life as a student begins in the sence of society. girls are pressured not only by family friends and school but guys on top of it. many of us have a problem where we think we are fat and we can never be skinny. being to dark whether its skin color or mood and being depressed you feel like nobody understands since you can become and outcast. not being sexually active makes you seem scared and guys just walk out and dont even look your way. if your too chaste guys will start rumors with their guy friends and then the school will soon find out and you will have a reputation and not a good one. when your too smart your called a nerd but if your too dumb people just talk shit behind your back and dont believe you are worth being there. teachers begin to think less of you and when you fail test after test they dont even bother looking over it they just give you a f. once you find where you belong and who your friends with. you can begin being yourself. and thats what matters. once people start liking you for being you, you tend to become more confident with yourself. but some girls get sucked in and hide themselves in the corners or the room. they isolate themselves from everyone and once someone talks to them, they are so scared they cant even open their mouth to let words out. im shelby in turning sixteen soon. ive made more mistakes than anyone of my friends. i said i learned from them but in reality ive made the same mistakes over more times than i can count on my fingers. i try to keep things inside of me that i dont want to bring up to the surface because if i say them outloud, its real and i cant deny it to myself anymore. i wish i didnt have the reputation that i have, even though its not that bad. i wish that i didnt come out and tell people what i used to be like. i wish none of my new friends knew who i used to be. im still me. and i miss who i once was, life waxs funner, life was easier, but it was my way of being selfish. it was my way of being rediculous and cruel i guess you can say it was my way of trying to "fit in" even though i didnt want any new friends. i tell people to stay away from me because one i dont want to get any more new friends and begin to trust them and they ruin it. and two i dont want them to have to deal with all of my shit, theyve got their own problems their own drama, they dont need any of mine. im serious about this matter. i want to be the person that i say i am. i want to be for real. i want to be legit but truth is i havent really changed i just think i have. i think im still the same person, i havent changed, im just to scared to hurt anyone else. i really do love my boyfriend, Sean. i want to be with him forever as does he. but how hes changed me is like being a damn slave. its not as bad as it sounds, but really all i need is to be me. and thats how i act with him i can be myself and i dont get rediculed. life before sean was a mess, it was fun, it was easy, it was secretive, irresponsible, joyous, rediculous, careless, foolish, happy, full, funny and all around great. but life with sean is so much more. losing one thing brings something so much more. truth.

one tree hill

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: "Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

its not as easy as it sounds. i want to have my heart back and give it out fully. i want so much to have travis not have it. he is not the same person as he once was and i guess im just hoping it will all change back to what happend in the past. i miss the way things were but i cant let myself go back to where my life what full of secrets and dishonesty and dishonor. its not who i wanted to be and its not who i want to be.

the holiday

Q.)why am i attracted to a person i know that isnt good?

A.)Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

thats the truth. its what i go through everyday of my life and i just want it all to change. i wish that i could let go to my past. and all the memories ive had with travis. but the truth is i cant and everytime that he forgets to call and promises me that he wont forget about me, all i do is let it go and i just blow it off like i dont care but inside it beats me up. i cant help what i feel no matter what i try.

"im gunna love you more than anyone, im gunna hold you closer than before and when i kiss your sole your whole body will be free, il be free for you anytime. im gunna love you more than anyone." Gavin Degraw.

baby

i have a boyfriend whom of which i love with all of my heart. he is literally all that matters to me, if he is okay thatn i will be fine. all my life ive been told to follow my heart and do what will make me happy. but for me to be happy everyone around me must be happy. i used to live this life where i didnt care who i hurt or what i did or what people said about me. i used to be something that i would have never of expected.i used to break everyones hearts. i used to put myself in really bad situations only to dig myself in deeper later. my life used to be whatever happends, happends. the word "no" was never in my vocabulary, no matter who it was and what i thought about them i didnt have the heart to say no. my life used to be full of joy and laughter. but it was also full of confusion and fear. when i was in eighth grade this boy matt and me started dating. we never hung out and hardly ever talked on the phone it was one of those relationships that little boys and girls have in elementary school but it lasted a really long time. we started dating in december 16 04 we contuniues dating over the summer but rarely talked.i had this really good friend jon who was like a brother to me but we seemed to grow closer and closer that summer. alot of things happend between us that people shouldnt do while they are dating another person. but me and matt got back together freshman year around middle of october or so. by halloween i was back on my ways with another boy named justin. but me and matt broke up the day before and got back together three days later. then again back to jon by thanksgiving. this time i really liked jon we always were together .. me him and travis. i was always going to their soccer games. by christmas time it was still all going on and jon had me make a decision between him and matt. i knew who i was going to choose and i did . i chose jon. when i broke up with matt we were really good but when school started i wanted nothing to do with him. i wasnt embarrassed but i didnt want to legitimatly date him. soon after i stopped everything with jon and me and matt got back together a few months later everything was good and we were still going out until late august. while i was cheating on matt with jon i was cheating on jon with travis and the only one i legitimatly liked to an extent was travis. i think i only stayed with matt because he was in my school and i wasnt embarrassed to be seem with him also because he didnt care what i did. im sure he cared but he didnt do anything about it. i feel bad now about doing what i did to matt but we are such good friends and we can joke around about anything. the whole thing with travis is that i really liked him and he really liked me. but we were always having bad timeing. we were always having bad timeing. we promised eachother who ever was the next person to be single was to stay that way and wait for the other person. that all worked out until i got a new boyfriend on september 30.06 this boy named sean. he was the sweetest boy i was ever with. he made me laugh and i could act like i did with all of my friends and he never regretted asking me out ever.but in late november there was a dance called snowball coming up. sean didnt want to go and i didnt really feel like going either. but i wanted to kinda go with my friends and i was talking to travis about it. he said he would go with me and everything so i talked to sean about it and he was pissed and sad. so we came up with the conclusion that if i went we were going to break up. i didnt go to snowball. also me and travis were texting and many things were said about hanging out and kissing and what not.i was never going to do it but i agreed that it may happen. i forgot to delete them and sean locked himself in his bathroom and read them. it was nothing but tears when he came out. we came up with another conclusion that me and travis couldnt talk for a little while and deffinitly no seeing.so me and travis didnt talk for at least a month and a half until sean said i could talk to him. it was all goo travis has had many people walk out on him and many others ditch him but he said that it was okay and he forgave me. a few months ago i went to see travis with my girl lisa at his soccer practice. i had to leave early so we didnt talk but when i got home i felt like the worst girlfriend. i told sean what i had done. andhe didnt care. he acctually wanted me to start hanging out with travis but in public places. i told him that he couldnt let me because when i saw him all the feelings i once had come back. all of the momories came back and i didnt even talk to him. sean was so upset and i didnt want it to happen. i told travis about it all which was something that i never should have done. everything is good now but lately seans been saying why do you bother talking to him." he doesnt care about you". and i want so hard to not believe it and i try so hard not to let it get to me and bother me. but it does i even talked to trav about it and he said that he cared. its not that i care so much if he cares about me. its that i fell for the old travis the old boy who made me feel like the only girl in the room. he made me feel so good about everything be was a fairytale. and i seem to be the only one who remembers it being that way. he has changed himself so much. he has this new soccer team that got him into drugs and thats something he used to say he would never do. he used to only go to a few partys a month and now its every weekend at least once. he doesnt have many people who are there for him. im the only person who knows what has happend to him and his family when he was young. im the only one he will talk about with everything and im the only one that will sit there through all that he tells me and i wont walk out i listen to what he is dealing with and give him advise and he returns the favor. i go to him with all of my sean problems and though its not a topic he likes to hear about he will do his best to give me the best advise from the heart.and to hear someone say that he doesnt care about me and the only reason he still talks to me is because he thinks that me and sean are going to break up and i will go back to travis in a heart beat he just wants ass. and that he is using me. i dont want to hear that out of anyone expecially my boyfriend. i love sean dont get me wrong and not one day that we have been dating did i not think about him and not one day did i forget about how much i love him . i never stopped loving him. he is forever. i want sean forever. but giving up travis is something i cant do again. he needs someone there for him. just like everyone else does. sean said that he doesnt deserve someone like me. but i told him that i didnt deserve someone like him. no matter how much i hurt sean he never left me . no matter how many times i lied and went back on my word and was selfish about being who i used to be he never turned his back and left me. he always forgave me.no body in their right mind would stay with a girl who has made so many mistakes. second chances .. yes. but fifth six and seventh chances are getting to be something rediculous i wouldnt stand for it if the situation was in reverse. i say i learn from my mistakes and i learn from what ive done. but in reality i havent because i keep making them over and over. someday i hope to grow up and realize that im in a better light.