fear in itself.

"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love."---- Graham Greene -

truth. my life is full of fear. my life is full of lies. ive been living this lie that nobody except myself can explain. but i can only explain it to myself otherwise it doesnt make sense. ive been lying to myself. ive been lying to everyone around me. a long time ago i gave a piece of my heart away to a special boy who lead me to see the world. he made me see things that could only been seen with a certian attitude. he made me feel like i was dancing in the moon light with the most eliquant dress on and the most gorgeous heals. he made me feel like the only girl in the room. he was the boy who made me see the world as fun. nothing but joy was on my face when he was in my sight. this boy was the best of my world even if we were bestfriends. but when i got this new boyfriend, he wanted nothing other than his goal to become reality. to change my completely. into someone that i once was. to be the girl who forgot about travis, the girl who was all about tears and fear. when i look at it these past nine months with him have been steady for the most part but when i look at it, he has broken me down into tiny pieces that i cant pickup and put back together. i worry that one day he will leave. i wake up everyday and fall asleep to the thought of travis and followed by guilt that ive thought about him. travis is in my past and my present though not as much and im not letting go so he will be in my future. whenever i think about the fear i have of losing either sean or travis i lose all emotion after a while i want to let myself go. i want to be by myself. i hate the world and i hate seeing it the way i do. society is my fear. when it used to be my happiness. i want my life back. i want to be happy. i want to make a real smile for real reasons. i want to have friends. i dont want to be lonely anymore. i dont want to lose what i once had. i dont want to let go. i wont want to fear what the world has to come. i want to know that everything will be okay i want to know that everything will turn out the way its supposed to. i dont want to be told. i want to believe it. i want to trust it. i used to know that everything happend for a reason. i used to know that in the end everything will work out the way it is supposed to. but now, my life is messed up. i have forgotten what i used to believe in. i want to go back to when things made sense. i want my bestfriend back. i want the boy that i fell for three years ago. its not fair for me to live this lie. its not fair for me to lead people on just to break them apart. i dont want to feel like this anymore. knowing that boy you love doesnt love you back but trying to make yourself disbelieve it rips you apart and throws you around. your heart breaks everyday and only they can pick up the pieces.