baby

i have a boyfriend whom of which i love with all of my heart. he is literally all that matters to me, if he is okay thatn i will be fine. all my life ive been told to follow my heart and do what will make me happy. but for me to be happy everyone around me must be happy. i used to live this life where i didnt care who i hurt or what i did or what people said about me. i used to be something that i would have never of expected.i used to break everyones hearts. i used to put myself in really bad situations only to dig myself in deeper later. my life used to be whatever happends, happends. the word "no" was never in my vocabulary, no matter who it was and what i thought about them i didnt have the heart to say no. my life used to be full of joy and laughter. but it was also full of confusion and fear. when i was in eighth grade this boy matt and me started dating. we never hung out and hardly ever talked on the phone it was one of those relationships that little boys and girls have in elementary school but it lasted a really long time. we started dating in december 16 04 we contuniues dating over the summer but rarely talked.i had this really good friend jon who was like a brother to me but we seemed to grow closer and closer that summer. alot of things happend between us that people shouldnt do while they are dating another person. but me and matt got back together freshman year around middle of october or so. by halloween i was back on my ways with another boy named justin. but me and matt broke up the day before and got back together three days later. then again back to jon by thanksgiving. this time i really liked jon we always were together .. me him and travis. i was always going to their soccer games. by christmas time it was still all going on and jon had me make a decision between him and matt. i knew who i was going to choose and i did . i chose jon. when i broke up with matt we were really good but when school started i wanted nothing to do with him. i wasnt embarrassed but i didnt want to legitimatly date him. soon after i stopped everything with jon and me and matt got back together a few months later everything was good and we were still going out until late august. while i was cheating on matt with jon i was cheating on jon with travis and the only one i legitimatly liked to an extent was travis. i think i only stayed with matt because he was in my school and i wasnt embarrassed to be seem with him also because he didnt care what i did. im sure he cared but he didnt do anything about it. i feel bad now about doing what i did to matt but we are such good friends and we can joke around about anything. the whole thing with travis is that i really liked him and he really liked me. but we were always having bad timeing. we were always having bad timeing. we promised eachother who ever was the next person to be single was to stay that way and wait for the other person. that all worked out until i got a new boyfriend on september 30.06 this boy named sean. he was the sweetest boy i was ever with. he made me laugh and i could act like i did with all of my friends and he never regretted asking me out ever.but in late november there was a dance called snowball coming up. sean didnt want to go and i didnt really feel like going either. but i wanted to kinda go with my friends and i was talking to travis about it. he said he would go with me and everything so i talked to sean about it and he was pissed and sad. so we came up with the conclusion that if i went we were going to break up. i didnt go to snowball. also me and travis were texting and many things were said about hanging out and kissing and what not.i was never going to do it but i agreed that it may happen. i forgot to delete them and sean locked himself in his bathroom and read them. it was nothing but tears when he came out. we came up with another conclusion that me and travis couldnt talk for a little while and deffinitly no seeing.so me and travis didnt talk for at least a month and a half until sean said i could talk to him. it was all goo travis has had many people walk out on him and many others ditch him but he said that it was okay and he forgave me. a few months ago i went to see travis with my girl lisa at his soccer practice. i had to leave early so we didnt talk but when i got home i felt like the worst girlfriend. i told sean what i had done. andhe didnt care. he acctually wanted me to start hanging out with travis but in public places. i told him that he couldnt let me because when i saw him all the feelings i once had come back. all of the momories came back and i didnt even talk to him. sean was so upset and i didnt want it to happen. i told travis about it all which was something that i never should have done. everything is good now but lately seans been saying why do you bother talking to him." he doesnt care about you". and i want so hard to not believe it and i try so hard not to let it get to me and bother me. but it does i even talked to trav about it and he said that he cared. its not that i care so much if he cares about me. its that i fell for the old travis the old boy who made me feel like the only girl in the room. he made me feel so good about everything be was a fairytale. and i seem to be the only one who remembers it being that way. he has changed himself so much. he has this new soccer team that got him into drugs and thats something he used to say he would never do. he used to only go to a few partys a month and now its every weekend at least once. he doesnt have many people who are there for him. im the only person who knows what has happend to him and his family when he was young. im the only one he will talk about with everything and im the only one that will sit there through all that he tells me and i wont walk out i listen to what he is dealing with and give him advise and he returns the favor. i go to him with all of my sean problems and though its not a topic he likes to hear about he will do his best to give me the best advise from the heart.and to hear someone say that he doesnt care about me and the only reason he still talks to me is because he thinks that me and sean are going to break up and i will go back to travis in a heart beat he just wants ass. and that he is using me. i dont want to hear that out of anyone expecially my boyfriend. i love sean dont get me wrong and not one day that we have been dating did i not think about him and not one day did i forget about how much i love him . i never stopped loving him. he is forever. i want sean forever. but giving up travis is something i cant do again. he needs someone there for him. just like everyone else does. sean said that he doesnt deserve someone like me. but i told him that i didnt deserve someone like him. no matter how much i hurt sean he never left me . no matter how many times i lied and went back on my word and was selfish about being who i used to be he never turned his back and left me. he always forgave me.no body in their right mind would stay with a girl who has made so many mistakes. second chances .. yes. but fifth six and seventh chances are getting to be something rediculous i wouldnt stand for it if the situation was in reverse. i say i learn from my mistakes and i learn from what ive done. but in reality i havent because i keep making them over and over. someday i hope to grow up and realize that im in a better light.