Not many people know or can understand what I've been through this year. I've held a lot inside - it's all I know. I can't believe that it's been this long already Sean, I can't believe it's been almost 7 months. I can't believe i haven't spoken to you in that long, or gotten to see you. Sometimes I feel like your just in a bad place, missing from my life or on the run, sometimes it's like you just away at school, mad at me again and other days; I know what's really happened. My life will never be the same; it's changed so drastically and it's happened so quickly; I didn't even see it. I realized so much when you died, I realized; I lost so much of myself since high school, I changed and now; I just find that I'm trying to be that young girl again. I just don't know how to be. I miss you so much junior, I miss laughing with you and making fun of you. I miss hugging you and talking about the future and real life; just doing everything that we always used to do. Il never find someone like you ever again; I never could- even if you were still here. I won't settle for less than I know I can have. Your my best friend. Your my soulmate. And I refuse to let you watch me float through life without being as happy as I once was. I don't understand why this happened. I don't understand why you chose this life for yourself. If I could go back to high school and hold on to you for my life; I would. I'd give up anything to have you back. I wish I could tell you that I love you one more time; I wish I could hear you say the same. Everyone knew and knows how much you mean to me; how much I love you. I wish that could have been enough for you. I was proud of you; for your struggle and determination. I love you. I miss you. Always and forever Seany. I promise. 💙

It's been too long that I've taken time to write to you. I just haven't had enough time to write or say what I've wanted. I couldn't thank you enough for giving me the constant strength and drive to be happy- even if you were still here. I've never been this depressed or hurt in my life and I don't think I will ever fully recover from losing you. For the last 10 years I've had you on my back; pushing me to be something great and to do great things- mostly irritating me at the time- I just didn't want to listen to your crap. But you were right; you were always right; I just hated to admit it. It was so good to hear from you last week; it wasn't so much as closure as it was a reminder that your always always with me. Our bond is so strong and I'm happy that you helped reassure me that I wasn't just making that up in my head, to make myself feel better. I couldn't miss someone more than I miss you; I wish you were here to take back all the pain and wasted time we spent arguing. I'm alone again; but I think this time I chose to be. I know I will never find someone who loves me and who will take care of me and listen and make fun of me and just have a bond no one else understands like I had with you. It hurts me to talk in past tense about it; because I don't want to believe that your really gone- so generally I talk about you like your still here. I will forever live for you and live up to the great life you saw me having. You said I deserve happiness and success; you said I deserve this change in my life - but I'm doing it because I knew you'd want this for me. No one wanted more for me; or saw me (the good and bad in me) like you did. You took me step by step; telling me hair school wasn't something I'd want because mom ended up hating it. You were right- here I am back in school, hoping to make you proud. I've pushed so many people away- mostly Dave; tryin to wrap my head around losing you- because this is something he will NEVER begin to understand. But I miss him too to be honest. I miss having someone to have around and I miss the feeling of loving someone- even if he was so shitty to me. I just know I need a break- to compose myself, Bring myself back together and take care of me. I need to find myself again. But it leaves me with what if? Like, what if I never find what I'm looking for? And what if I'm destined to be alone forever, especially without you? What happens when I'm done with school and done with the changes and the things that's keeping my mind busy? What happens when I have more moments to think about you? and when I realize I really will never get through this? What happens when I need my best friends advise or hug or anything really? I wish I never let you go 7 years ago; go to Oswego; out of my life again. I loved you everyday of my life whether or not I wanted to. I just wish things were different. Be with me; I don't care if I'm being selfish- I need you; everyday with me because the days that I think about dying are the days that I think about being with you even if it's just for one more minute. I don't know if I wish I was with you or saw you beforehand but either way it doesn't change the fact that your not coming back to me more than a memory. I don't want to be sad- I want to celebrate you like you'd want me to - it's just that some days are harder than most. I love you to heaven and back. Il see you soon than junior. Keep smiling 

I wish Sean was here; everyday with me. Because I've never had someone who loved me as much as Sean. It breaks my heart to know il never have my best friend back. It breaks my heart to think I will never see him or hug him again. I just want to be whole again. I just want to stop hurting and crying. I want to have the love of my life back- I need him back. I wish he took me with him; I wish he could have seen things differently. I guess I wish I could have changed a lot. Everyday gets harder and harder and I get closer to trying to be where you are. I couldn't love something more than I've loved you. Ive loved you since I was 15 years old and I've never gotten that back. Keep watching over me; be with me. Visit me more because I need you. 

I'm getting closer and closer to letting myself go; I didn't even scare myself. Woke up one morning to see myself write this :

I want nothing more than my best friend back I know who I am supposed to be with. I'm sorry to Dave and the Klapp family. To put them through this ontop of what they have already overcome is selfish of me I know, Jordan - you have shown me strength and love for life. You've shown me more than anything than anyone has ever shown me. Your stronger than us all. To Matthew- I'm sorry I never got to meet you- your family and your brothers are the best people I've ever met. 

To the Demerchant and Jablonski families - I thank you for letting me into your world; to have let me known Sean. I've never loved someone more than I've loved Sean- he was and is my soulmate. I don't know anyone who knows me better than I let him know me. I'm not strong enough without him. He is my core. He is my Noah- he always wanted a White lake House with blue shutters in mayfield. Just like in the movie. My life didn't revolve around Sean- but my love and heart did. This passed two months have been worse than anyother time without him. I wish I never had a second. Without Sean by my side. This is none of your faults. This is mine- for ever losing Sean; for ever letting Him go. I'm so lucky to have you. Tricia, nana, senior, pa, Joshua, aunt kris and Lisa, maddy and meg. - meg- you are so lucky to have Joshua- you'll be so happy to have a life long friend. To you all- this isn't your fault- j just want to finally see my (our) Seany again- finally 

To my sisters(Jillian and family included) I'm so sorry for being so selfish- I love you guys. Your life means more to me than anything. Kaly- don't do this- your stronger than me. You deserve so much more and I love you. Jamie- your children are so special to me. I can't thank you enough for three beautiful people.  To Nicole and Scott- jeSse and Dewdew are so much of my life it hurts that they will never learn who their aunt Shelby really is. CAmeron saved my life at 15; i wanted to die when Sean told me he cheated on me- but life back then with my first nephew seemed more important. I'm sorry I won't be there for Liam and savannah. I'm sorry I won't be there for any of your kids kaly- I'm sorry Kay and jacey will forget me- and Abel will never really know me. But most of all. I'm sorry for never really telling my family how I really felt. 

Gram- I love you. Your my second mom and I am at pEace 

Papi- I wish you would tell kaly and Reece and uncle burr and mom that you love them- bc even though we know you do- it would be nice to hear it 

Gervasio- I know where I come from- I know where I belong. Fix your lives bc your still alive (rand) and make something of yourselves. 

Kaly and Jamie - your life is so beautiful ahead and I'm sorry I won't be apart of it. I'm sorry that I won't watch your kids and selves grow but know I will try my best to watch from above if I can. 

Daddy- im sad you haven't been apart of this life I've lived for awhile but I hope you and Laura enjoy Cocos company: mom can't handle two puppies and I hope you treat her with the best you can. I love you. Thanks for everything

Mom: gaga- I'm sorry for this selfish act I've committed. I know you'll be sad. I know you won't understand. But please don't try to. I want to be where Sean is. I want to be happy. I want Dave to be happy and marry someone who he deserves. I want to see my best friend again. Do what you think is right with my services. Whether it be burned or buried. Please get ahold of Sean's family. Get Ahold of Dave. Reassure him I want him to stand with you. Hold his hand. Text him everyday- make sure he isn't sad like I still am. He is our family. He always will be. 

My passwords -

I have Apps on my phone / blogger is what I've

Written to Sean for over 2 months- word(second page blue icon) is my whole relationship with Sean. You can find things he has written in comments. 

Please feel free to add Sean In pictures you decide to show at my services. As well as Dave and all others. I want everyone to feel important.

David and Sean need to be in my obituary. David is my boyfriend. Please give him credit. But Sean AND family need to be included. 

I want kaly to know how important she has been in all of this l could not have asked for a better sister

If you chose to bury me; I would like to ask to be buried with some of Sean's ashes around my neck attached to the necklace he bought me in Florida for his 16th bday which lies around my neck. If not possible- I understand. But please try. If you want to burn me -

I want grama and Papi to have a piece of me. I want kaly to be able to have some if she would like. I'd like to not be burden to people

I AM SO SORRY IVE BEEN SO SELFISH. 

It's 11:11 il always wish for you junior 

Today was the first day I posted a picture of my tattoo for you. I've waited three weeks because I wanted nana and mom to see it first. Nana of course made me cry with her. I am so lucky to have this family Sean; thank you for being apart of my life. Pa came over today; he's not himself- he's really struggling and having a hard time with losing you. I can't say I blame him, only feel for him because he misses you so much. Nothing is the same without you anymore. Even on your bad days- your spirit alone brought us all happiness. There are things I will never understand, this is one of them. I was supposed to have you forever, I wasn't supposed to lose you. You were supposed to stick life out with me and terrorize me for the rest of my life. 

Somedays are better than others for myself and Dave. I never compared Dave to Sean or ever wanted him to take the place of Sean in any way. Before Sean died, I didn't know or plan for my future I didn't think about the rest of my life or who I was going to be with. Since I really got involved in Sean while he was sick I just wanted my Sean back and at times I got that boy back that I fell in love with; that we all knew and in those times I just took it in while I could. Dave and me have our problems, they're not going away and they're not getting any better. I feel like I'm settling in life by being with Dave, because I know In the back of my mind that it will never work out- I know we won't be forever. Now since seans been gone I realize I should have just helped out a little more and been there more; saved him more. I wish I never let him go on my birthday last year and I wish that I stayed with him after chilis instead of going out. I didn't know that was going to be the last time is ever see him. I lost my first love two months ago, I lost the person I was meant to spend my life with and everyday since then has been one obstacle over the next. I lost my very best friend to a disease that I never understood and I just keep hoping that everyday I live is one day closer to the day I get to finally see him again and start our second life making things right. Love you junior. Il see you soon than. 

I wish you were here Sean. I wish I knew my purpose in life because with you gone; I'm lost again. I thought I had it somewhat figured out. I feel like I'm wasting my time with Dave. Most days it's like I'm in this on my own and when I finally give up is when he starts to notice and care about losing me. I need consistency and I need love. No one ever loved me like you do. No one ever will. You've proven yourself to me time and time again I just wish you were still here so I can tell you it didn't go unnoticed and you always had a chance. I've loved you since I was 15 and il love you until the day that i die. No one will ever take the place your heart resides in mine. I need you junior. I can't wait to see you- make sure I go wherever you are. Love you so much. 

Losing Sean has been the single hardest thing I've ever gone through. Somedays (like today) I wake up forgetting that he's gone. On those days I pick up my phone to call him to tell him he was in my dream or see how his day was or how he slept. Realizing that he won't ever pick up my phone call again is the most unsettling thing. I will never understand why this had to happen. I will never understand why Sean ever chose to get involved with drugs or serious ones at that. I will never understand what went through his mind the day he decided that heroin can't be so bad. But I will never try to understand. Sean was anything but easy to understand; especially lately, he played by his own rules and chose his path exactly the way he wanted it to be. He had a good life and good opportunities that he could have used to his advantage for his future. Growing up Sean was quiet for the most part, with few friends and hockey. He wasn't very confident in himself and he was self conscious; when he went away to Oswego, Sean met different types of people and it changed him. He was less judgmental towards different people and he got into the fraternity which helped his self esteem. I was so happy for him for that. He is one of the smartest people I know, he always made me feel so stupid when it came to school work because it came so easy to him when I had to study and work hard for grades he didn't have to work for. I fell in love with Sean when I was 15 years old and our relationship for the last 7 years has been quite the ride. Sean was my everything when I was 15, we did everything together and I'm positive if he didn't cheat on me and things worked the way they were supposed to- he wouldn't have left, he wouldn't have gotten into this world and we would still be together or working on it to this day. I stopped being mad at Sean a long time ago because I began to realize that he helped me in the long run- I'm stronger now; I'm smarter. I was sad for a very long time; I was depressed all the rest of highschool. I blamed Sean for my relationship with Reid because I only started dating him to make Sean jealous and I of course got the shit end out of that. But of course Sean was there to help "body guard" me to and from classes after me and Reid broke up so I can't complain. I always knew sean loved me. I knew he cared; even when we weren't friends. We would find ways to talk or hangout. And when we fought; it was only so bad because we knew how to get on each others nerves so badly. That was just typical us; we would make digs at each other simply because no one else could do it better. No one could piss me off more than Sean could and he knew it- but I think it worked vise versa too. My best memories of Sean are kept in my head because he soon seemed to forget a lot of our memories and when id bring them up; he would only get mad. We could go without speaking for weeks or months even and the second I got a phone call it would pick right back up where it left off. The only time it took a little bit was when him and Sam were together. I was so happy Sean met someone who I hoped( but didn't know at the time) made him feel love again. I was happy that he was happy even if we couldn't speak or hangout for awhile. We were still pretty young back then but Sean still made an appoint to get ahold of me when he was back home for a weekend or something. It was like whenever he'd call I would instantly pick up that phone call or immediately listen to his voicemail and text him back- Sean always had a way of sneaking his way right back into my life like he never left- Sean knew he belonged in my life and I think he knew that I belonged in his too. 

I couldn't love something more than I love you. I hope to see you seen cutie. Forever <3

I'm lost for words and what to write but I know I have so much more to talk about and endless things to say to you. I've written to you since I was 15 years old and it just seems wrong to stop. I wish I could have one more day with you; but I know that I need far more days than just that one. I will never be okay with this- I need you in my life. People tell me it's because it's so soon that I feel the way that I do about certain things but I know it's because it's how I really feel. I've been dramatic, I've been selfish and I've been stupid but now, I'm just being honest. I've had the last four years with you being at school and being with Sam- where you were voided in my life but when we got to talking again; it was like we never lost each other at all. I wish so badly that we could go back to freshman year and do it all over again. We finally got back together Christmas break and you broke my heart all over again- but if I knew then what I know now; I never would have let you leave me. I would have up and moved there for you; just to help you. Your my bestfriend. I would have done ANYTHING you needed me to and I hope that you know that now. I wish so badly that I had you back; as selfish as that is, I would do anything to wake up and you be next to me laughing even snoring if it meant you were here. I miss you so much junior; my life doesn't make sense. I feel like I'm floating through life; not doing anything inparticular. I always took the safe route; and you were always the one who tested the waters and I just always hoped that it would have worked out one way or another. I fell in love at 15 years old and I never got that piece of myself back; I know it's cliche and childish but I was in love with the most handsome, beautiful, loving and selfish asshole I've ever known- I still am. I wish you believed in yourself as much as I did, I wish you loved yourself as i do, maybe you'd still be here. I wish you took me with you- I keep saying that and i honestly mean it. This past month has been so hard. I don't feel like I'm living for anything, I'm just coasting by. I don't know where to go next or what my next move should be. I can't imagine myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. The one person I used to imagine my life with I feel like in wasting my time and effort trying to fix everything when I know in my heart that it won't work out with our past and what he has said about this situation. Everyone has always come second to you and they always will. You don't recover from a first love; You don't get that part of yourself, your heart or trust back again. After your first love, you change and your never the same person again. Sean, you took a piece of me with you when you left and I guess you always carried it with you anyways all these years. I love you forever cutie. Il see you soon- I truly hope heaven is a real place to start over bc I wouldn't want anything more than to meet you up there and start our second life  <3 

I can't stop thinking about my birthday. How I drove all the way to your house because I was "too drunk to drive" and needed you to drive me home. I can't stop thinking about how scared I was that I would wake up and you'd be gone. I can't stop thinking about how that was the last sleepover we had, the last time you even tried to kiss me. I miss you more than ever Sean. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. None of it makes sense. My life without you doesn't make sense. I need you back, I wish you took me with you. Don't make me wait too long to see you again; make sure you wait for me to be with you; wherever you are and send signs that your with me from now until then. I love you so much cutie. I always have. I never imagined I would lose you; I never wanted to. Your my best friend, my first love; your my Noah. How can it be possible that your gone? I cannot wait for the day that I get to see you again, to get my hug and my "little boy" back again. I love you seany 093006 always and forever <3 

When I was 15 I didn't think my life would get this far. At 16 I wanted to die; I wanted nothing more than to let go and not be here anymore. I was young and thought my life wasn't worth it- dramatic would be the word I now would use to describe 16 year old me. Sean was too happy at 16; happy enough for the two of us. I have never had someone who knew how to get on my nerves and take over my heart all at once. There is no one who loved me like Sean did; there was no one who would protect me and be there like Sean always was. I know that Sean wouldn't want me to say this- but I really wish he took me along for this journey with him because life without him doesn't make sense. My life without Sean doesn't make sense. Even if we hadn't talked for a week, we would pick right back up where we left off just messing around cracking jokes at one another. Sean was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first heartbreak. He was my everything. I would do anything to go back to freshman year when he first left and never let him fall, I would do anything to go back to senior year; prom and agree to get back together after going to prom together just so I could make sure things were different. Sean was always going to party, always going to end up going to Oswego; I just wish I could have gotten him out of there sooner or been there more hands on. I still cannot believe that my best friend and soulmate is gone forever; I can't believe I have to live however many years without him next to me. Who knows what life could have brought us. Sean was so strong and so hard headed I thought this disease would have just been a milestone; something to overcome but I guess it was too much for even him to accomplish. There are so many things I wish I could have changed or went back for. There are so many opportunities I wish that I had taken to still have my Sean here with me. I don't think he really knew how much I need him or how much I really do love him; I don't think he let himself believe it. I miss You everyday seany, I hope heaven let's you read my posts; this is the only place I feel safe, remember? Your still the only one who knows about my sites; I only kept them for you- so we could keep in touch somehow when we "weren't allowed" I know that it's hard for you to show your with me and give signs that your still here; but please be here- be in my dreams- show me whatever you can so I know you haven't left me completely. You have no idea how much I still need you; I dont think I realized how much that really was until you were already gone. I love you seany, always and forever 💙 a promise is a promise 

Still to this day; I'm left so alone. It's been three weeks sense you've been gone and i still catch myself thinking about you everyday- I still catch myself trying to text and call you just to tell you something dumb. Tmrw is graduation; I know you'll be there. I know you'll float across that stage with the biggest smile on your face because you did it seany. You finished I just wish you were here with me to be able to continue on. I wish I could go back and help you more. I wish I could make you listen to me; make you tell me you love me back more. Help you understand I would do anything for you because I truly wanted you to have the best life you could have possible. I wish I was with you- I wish you took me along for this new journey of yours. Maybe that's selfish of me; but then again I know you understand. I can't imagine my life without you here; my life doesn't make sense without you in it. I'm not the same person I was at 15 and now, I'm not the same perpsn I was a month ago. You've helped guide me through my whole life. We grew up together; you helped mold me without even really knowing it. You may have needed me I your life; but I needed you just as much. I still do. It hurts more and more knowing I won't have you back and realizing little by little that your really gone. I don't want another week without you; let alone 40+ years. This isn't fair; not for your family, not to you and not to me. I loved you more than anyone could understand; I still do. It's hard to have what we have and have seen what you let get ahold of you. It was hard to be there because I knew you deserved so much more. I now am left speechless with what my next move is. I'm completely lost without you and I know at some points in our lives we didn't see eye to eye and you thought I was dramatic with things. But I really appreciate you. I really need you back, we all do. I know it's hard for you to show yourself and give me signs that your still here with me but I need to know your still flying next to me. I need to know that your here- to stabilize myself in this situation. I couldn't be more proud of you; I couldn't be more proud to call you my best friend and soul mate thus far. I don't see this getting any better or any easier. I just don't see myself getting out of this and being normal Shelby still. I know You wouldn't want anything less, but I just don't think I can honestly come out of this without help. I need you seany. I will never be the same. I love you forever 

I want to wake up and this not be real. I couldn't have lost my best friend. I couldn't have lost my seany. My junior. My everything. I don't want to live in a world Without you, I just don't understand one without you in it. Through the good and the bad I've always had you to fall back on when I needed you most and now- I have no one. No one will ever replace the hole in my heart- just like no one ever has.  I love you more than words could Ever describe. In hope I get to see you soon cutie. I love you. Life without you makes no sense💔

I'm running out of things to say, how to feel, what to think. I wish that I could wrap my head around this. Life without Sean; even just this past week hasn't made sense. I've had his family around me everyday so it's kind of like I haven't had that void of him yet. It's weird without him here, I don't know if il ever be okay with him being gone. This couldn't have had to happen. He didn't want this; there's no way. I don't know how long I can live without having my best friend in my life. I'm so happy that the last time I got to see Sean that he was healthy and that he looked so incredible handsome. I will always appreciate that Sean; our real Sean. Everyone spoke so highly of Sean and that he was one of the best people they knew, I'm greatful that people saw him that way; I'm happy that's how he will be remembered. Everyone says that this will get easier and that this feeling will go away. I don't think it ever will. I don't think people really know how much Sean meant to me or how much was invested into out friendship/relationship. I'm so lucky to have Sean's family to grieve with and to spend time with memories of all of us. I'm lucky to have gotten to meet some of Sean's friends and hear all he has had to say about me and about us. It's comforting hearing I wasn't just some girl back at home that was his secret or something. It's comforting hearing all he has said about me and told people. I know that I truly made an impact in Sean's life and that he really did appreciate and love me. I couldn't have asked for a better person in my life. I just wish love could have saved him. I hope that I get to see Sean soon; hear from him even in signs or dreams. It's been hard without him. I hope he hears me and sees what I write; he always used to check up on me, reading my blogs. He was the only one who knew about them. Love you Seany; please visit me soon  

I shouldn't have to say goodbye. Knowing you were 20 feet from me today is heartbreaking, seeing how many people truly loved you and wanted the best for you is heartbreaking. Why did you leave me? Leave us? I know you didn't want this; you couldn't have. This was a mistake, something you didn't mean to do. I always saw the best in you; I always take the benefit of the doubt, because your such a genuine person. I'm so proud of the non judgmental person you became when you went away but I wish you could have came out stronger. You always made fun of me for believing everything happens for a reason but I honestly believe god knew you couldn't live in this world without me; and there wasn't enough room in this world for the both of us. But little does he know; this is the single most hardest thing I have had to go through. Half of me is missing; half of me is dead. I can't live however many years without you in my life; I've had you for 10 years but I expected and hoped for 40 more. You know me better than I know myself and I know that what we had is unexplainable. It doesn't settle well with me; knowing I won't have my best friend, first love and crutch to lean on ever again. Please watch over us; I know you hear me; I know you hate yourself for putting us through this; I'm not mad at you seany, just devastated that il never have another conversation or hug from you again. Please wait for me; open the doors for me when it's my time to go. I belong wherever you are. You and I both know that. I love you so much cutie. Il see you someday. Don't make me wait too long. 

None of this seems real. How can I be saying goodbye to you? How is this possible? When did things get this bad? I wish so many things weren't left unsaid. I wish a lot of things were different. I know I understood Sean; but I never understood what he went through everyday with his addiction and I never knew or could understand, why he ever chose to start drugs. Sean's life was so fun, so loving and he has a fantastic family who spoiled and loved Sean more than words could express. Il never forget the memories and secrets me and Sean shared or the love we had for one another. I never had anyone else need me as much as I needed them. I can't believe Sean left me, I can't believe he left us. When I look at his pictures it doesn't seem real than tomorrow I will be looking at Sean, empty. It hasn't hit me that I will never be able to look at him or hug him or touch him again. It hasn't hit me that il never have another conversation or have someone rub my feet or watch countless amounts of tv with. It hasn't hit me that il be looking at Sean but he won't be looking back at me. I'm not prepared for this; I wasn't prepared for this. I can't do this. I can't wrap my head around why this had to happen. I can't move forward in life knowing Sean won't be around to see it or be here with me. Wait for me up there seany and make sure god lets me in to see you. I love you cutie. 

4.28.14

Out of all the letters i wrote and blogs I had I always had more to say about you. I wrote you a thousand letters and most went unread. Il never forgive myself for not giving them to you. Why did you stop "checking up" on me; I still always wrote to you. Hoping you would see them someday. When I go to your house I'm so used to walking into one of your hugs and seeing you all dressed up with a smile on your face. I don't know if I can make in it this world without you. I'm not sure if I'm cut out for life on earth without my seany. I can't imagine what your family is going through; nor can I put myself in their shoes. But I know they have and will always keep me involved in their lives. They shouldn't have to go through with this I shouldn't have to say goodbye to you. I never want to say goodbye. I always made sure I told you I loved you every chance that I could but even when you didn't say so: I knew you loved me just as much. No one fully understands us, or understands what we had and on most days I just let it go without asking questions. I never let go of my 16 year old Sean and I always knew you could get back to that boy again. I never stopped loving you; I never stopped routing for you and I know that now; you know that but I wish you knew it all along and let that help cure you. I know your disease was a constant struggle and i couldn't be happier that your free from it now. I just wish I could be standing next to you telling you how proud of you I am for making it out alive. There are no words to describe what I have for you, no words to say to my friends or your family. I can't function in every day life and i don't know if or when that will ever come back. You carried half of me around with you, you have since 10th grade. I never got myself completely back and I never will. It would be a lie if I said my whole life revolved around you but at times it did. I didn't mind sitting in your room, in the basement watching tv and movies. I didn't mind driving us to the lake or having our sleepovers, watching hockey and football bc I just wanted to hangout with you; spend time with you just to catch a glimpse of my old Sean again. He always reappeared; you knew that you could always be your immature, goofy self around me bc I fell back in love each time. I wish I could lay out tanning again with you once more. You always appreciated being lazy with me just hanging out with Sammie. I just want to laugh and make fun of you again; watch you struggle with not being able to grab me and hold on for dear life bc I always knew you wanted to. Who's going to rub my feet and lay on my legs now? No ones life will be the same. I know you can see it now but it's just sad that we all had to lose you for you to end your battle with life. Your smarter than this, smarter than all of us. 

Rip seany

Sean always knew what to say when I needed him; even when everyone else was afraid to say what they felt. Me and Sean just clicked and I think everyone could see that. Regardless of our past; Sean and me always remained friends, always stayed in touch, whether or not people liked it. There wasn't a chance in people breaking us apart; we just knew that when it came down to it we had each others back before anyone else's. I've never loved someone the way I love Sean. He has a piece of me that no one else could ever take away. He's my first love, my first real boyfriend; we grew up together and put our feelings aside to become best friends bc I couldn't bare life without him and I like to think it was the same for him. Sean had so much to give to life; he had such passion for success and this disease stripped our Sean away from us. I will carry our memories and secrets with me forever like I have these last 8 years. No one really understands me and Sean or our friendship or connection to each other. His family now understands with his help over the last couple years what I really meant to Sean. And over the last year I think I've proven how much Sean has meant to me. I can't imagine what his family is going through, I can't put myself in their shoes. But i hope to always have them in my life. I miss Sean every single

Day; I had such high hopes for him and I know he wanted to be home, to be with his family... And me. Who knows what the future could have brought us, I will never forgive myself for not going out to visit him more often in Oswego. And now il never know what could have been. My best friend, the one person In the whole world who knew me better than I knew myself, is gone. What am I going to do now? No one will ever take the place of Sean, it's impossible. He was just my person. I love you Sean David jr. I always will. Always be by my side; I can't take on this life without you. 093006 ❤️