When I was 15 I didn't think my life would get this far. At 16 I wanted to die; I wanted nothing more than to let go and not be here anymore. I was young and thought my life wasn't worth it- dramatic would be the word I now would use to describe 16 year old me. Sean was too happy at 16; happy enough for the two of us. I have never had someone who knew how to get on my nerves and take over my heart all at once. There is no one who loved me like Sean did; there was no one who would protect me and be there like Sean always was. I know that Sean wouldn't want me to say this- but I really wish he took me along for this journey with him because life without him doesn't make sense. My life without Sean doesn't make sense. Even if we hadn't talked for a week, we would pick right back up where we left off just messing around cracking jokes at one another. Sean was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first heartbreak. He was my everything. I would do anything to go back to freshman year when he first left and never let him fall, I would do anything to go back to senior year; prom and agree to get back together after going to prom together just so I could make sure things were different. Sean was always going to party, always going to end up going to Oswego; I just wish I could have gotten him out of there sooner or been there more hands on. I still cannot believe that my best friend and soulmate is gone forever; I can't believe I have to live however many years without him next to me. Who knows what life could have brought us. Sean was so strong and so hard headed I thought this disease would have just been a milestone; something to overcome but I guess it was too much for even him to accomplish. There are so many things I wish I could have changed or went back for. There are so many opportunities I wish that I had taken to still have my Sean here with me. I don't think he really knew how much I need him or how much I really do love him; I don't think he let himself believe it. I miss You everyday seany, I hope heaven let's you read my posts; this is the only place I feel safe, remember? Your still the only one who knows about my sites; I only kept them for you- so we could keep in touch somehow when we "weren't allowed" I know that it's hard for you to show your with me and give signs that your still here; but please be here- be in my dreams- show me whatever you can so I know you haven't left me completely. You have no idea how much I still need you; I dont think I realized how much that really was until you were already gone. I love you seany, always and forever 💙 a promise is a promise