I'm lost for words and what to write but I know I have so much more to talk about and endless things to say to you. I've written to you since I was 15 years old and it just seems wrong to stop. I wish I could have one more day with you; but I know that I need far more days than just that one. I will never be okay with this- I need you in my life. People tell me it's because it's so soon that I feel the way that I do about certain things but I know it's because it's how I really feel. I've been dramatic, I've been selfish and I've been stupid but now, I'm just being honest. I've had the last four years with you being at school and being with Sam- where you were voided in my life but when we got to talking again; it was like we never lost each other at all. I wish so badly that we could go back to freshman year and do it all over again. We finally got back together Christmas break and you broke my heart all over again- but if I knew then what I know now; I never would have let you leave me. I would have up and moved there for you; just to help you. Your my bestfriend. I would have done ANYTHING you needed me to and I hope that you know that now. I wish so badly that I had you back; as selfish as that is, I would do anything to wake up and you be next to me laughing even snoring if it meant you were here. I miss you so much junior; my life doesn't make sense. I feel like I'm floating through life; not doing anything inparticular. I always took the safe route; and you were always the one who tested the waters and I just always hoped that it would have worked out one way or another. I fell in love at 15 years old and I never got that piece of myself back; I know it's cliche and childish but I was in love with the most handsome, beautiful, loving and selfish asshole I've ever known- I still am. I wish you believed in yourself as much as I did, I wish you loved yourself as i do, maybe you'd still be here. I wish you took me with you- I keep saying that and i honestly mean it. This past month has been so hard. I don't feel like I'm living for anything, I'm just coasting by. I don't know where to go next or what my next move should be. I can't imagine myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. The one person I used to imagine my life with I feel like in wasting my time and effort trying to fix everything when I know in my heart that it won't work out with our past and what he has said about this situation. Everyone has always come second to you and they always will. You don't recover from a first love; You don't get that part of yourself, your heart or trust back again. After your first love, you change and your never the same person again. Sean, you took a piece of me with you when you left and I guess you always carried it with you anyways all these years. I love you forever cutie. Il see you soon- I truly hope heaven is a real place to start over bc I wouldn't want anything more than to meet you up there and start our second life  <3