Four twenty seven eleven

im afraid that because i dont face everything head on. it will cause me problems like before. im not a little girl anymore; i take things very seriously. i let things cool off and i wait out alot of the drama in my life. confrontation is no longer appealing to me. david is my life, and again i am being honest and i have remorse when i feel like things need to be said. i will never take this relationship for granted and abuse what i have in front of me. i dont like the person i became last year, but then again; i wouldnt have dave if i hadnt. i love this boy and i feel safe alot. i have fun and he is one of my bestfriends. hes a good person and boyfriend and i couldnt imagine a day without him in it from this say forward.

really.

i should probably jot down some thoughts before i forget them.
i dont think of you differently, i dont love you any less. im too old to play along with the games, i dont deserve to be ignored for your fuck up. be upset but dont blame me. have the balls to talk to me dont just ignore me like were in middle school. dont wait around bc im giving up on you and i hate myself for it. it disgusts me that you went to a handful of people rather than me. my lifes not a joke anymore, i need to care about myself more than i have been. i passed the baby games; this is serious and i dont see you taking it that way. the beginning issue is no longer the largest issue anymore. i refuse to be pushed aside and shit on. i care more about you than you will ever know, i dont care who says they care about you; i top them, i would literally do anything to help you and be there when you needed. but again; im not the one you want next to you when you need someone most.

its weird to imagine what just happend tonight. i found friends that i never knew could exist. i found sadness and anger and jealousy that i didnt know was still in me. characteristics were brought out of me that i didnt know i was still capable of. i stayed faithful and reliable when you werent yet again. i stayed true to you when you pushed me aside. im so close to giving up. you can only be pushed away so much. until you begin to give up. myself, i am strong and thankfully someone called me strong tngt. someone important in my life. your missing out on alot and i see this friendship moving forward into replacing sean. something i need but something i am also scared of. i am appreciative for the attepmt at helping me. i know you were busy and my plan of focusing my anger backfired. i apologize for putting so much on you.

063006

and once again, i was fooled by you. for some reason i had to answer to you; thinking something was wrong; and you broke me all over again. i needed you last night, i needed you to talk to me, just about stupid nothings to make me less angry and yet again, i get a call when your too fucked up to function. when i need you the most; your no where to be found. you remember me when your a mess and i need to forget you. you are no longer my friend, you are no longer who i call my bestfriend. just an exboyfriend who happend to be my first real relationship, friendship, love and bestfriend. you are no longer apart of my everyday life and i have to keep reminding myself of this. i have to say goodbye to you, not because i want to; but because the sean i know and want in my life no longer exists. he is dead; just like the girl i used to be.

Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my mother can be mended, because we are alike in some and i use that word with caution, we clash; we both want control and independence. the differece being that i only want control of my own life; whereas she needs control of everyone around her. i refuse to let someone boss me around and tell me how to live my life; i have been down that road before and never again will i give up my life. I know what kind of person i want to be, and i know what kind of parent i want to be. i know the rules i will have and the lieniences i will obtain. I know what kind of environment i want to live in and who i want to still be in my life. this is all because of my mother and father. seeing their parenting skills and witnessing them first hand; i know that i dont want to be strict; as long as my children have it under control. i want to discipline but i will never throw my child away and i will never take advantage of my familys bond. i want to have a strong litte family; since mine has always been large and i want to continue to be little, with a big heart. i was once asked what id do if i had children; and my mother was no longer in the picture; my answer was and always will be, " i will never take my childs grandma nor grandfather away from them, i am open to the disfuctional family that i have, but my child will know who their real grandparents are." " i will never disown my parents in honor of my child(ren) because without my grandmother i would have no faith, strength or control, without my grandfather, i feel as though i would have little knowledge of many things and without my grandmother jeanne, i would have luittle faith in family because she has kept this troubled, disfunctional and insane family together for so long.

i realize that my boyfriend; is the most beautiful person inside and out, i know that what he goes through everyday tops my as well as anyone else i knows lives. him as well as his family are probably one of the strongest people i have ever met and i wish that i knew how to be as happy as they are. i wish i had half the strength that they have for just one day. they give me hope that i can change; i take my life, happiness and future for granate and this has to stop as well. i know that my life is no longer a joke and it hasnt been for a long time. i just wish that i could see strength in myself long enough to believe it and make some changes in my life. david is now apart of my life, and although im scared of the obsicals that will come our way; i cannot imagine my life without dave in it, friend or otherwise. he has stepped up in being there for me, trying to force me to speak my mind and feelings at my worst. and although; this i am not ready for either; i need to be. i have to keep an open mind, sean is gone and i dont want that to change. actually; i need that to not change.

continue

i think that in my destination of finding my happiness, i am letting the stress of everything around me get the best of me. lately, the past, present and future is all hitting me at once and i dont know exactly what it is thats wrong, but there is something inside my head thats holding me back inside again. my heart and my head is closed off again and im not sure of what to do about it; youd think after all this time, id know how to handle this situation but i have not learned yet. seems to be a trend that i havent learned anything yet. i once again, i want to just be by myself, you know just left alone liek usual; i know that there are cool people out there who want to be my friend, but i know who i am and who i want to be and i have worked hard towards this reputation i have/had.. that is until i got together with david and now; i seem to be someone different to everyone i used to be surrounded with. and that i do not like, i want to be known as who ive always been and no i dont care what people think of me and i dont care if someone likes me or not, but im tired of being made fun of by the ones who i thought were my closest friends; i guess you really learn who your true friends are and who are your aquainences. im afraid of being walked all over again and im afraid that i am just going to give in to pleasing everybody again and this will not lead me in the right direction. i am just going to worry about myself, and keep moving forward like i always do; i refuse to be left behind.

..

April 17th. 2011


I know that in the next year of my life, everything will be changing again and although ive said and i know that i am ready for this change and growing up, I cant help from being scared of failing, because from here on out; i have no choice other than to succeed. im not sure when things will fall together, or whats going to change or who is still going to be apart of my life in a year; but right now i dont want to think about it nor do i want to think about who i am going to lose in my life. i cant stand thinking that i will lose dave or mary and i dont want to think that they wont be in my life friend or otherwise. i need my friends or at least one to be able to fall back on and the two of them are all i have had in the last 6 months. On days like this where i do nothing but sit around, i feel like a failure; and then on days where i get out of the house and go to work, i feel some sort of achievement in myself. i have made more of a realization that i am strong and that i can make it from here on out, but being strong and hard headed has gotten me where i am today, and being this way has brought me to having this relationship with my mother. on again; off again with her gives me the most stress. second in line is my friendship with the only person in the world i gave my whole life and heart to. im afraid that ive lost that part of my life; and im slowly losing some of the memories we once had. im slowing losing grasp of the people we were six years ago and that deep down upsets me more than anything else, more than our past, our failed relationship and the depression i went through. overall, i just miss having someone who knows me better than myself; i miss feeling like there was someone to fall back on who i knew i could trust when everything fell apart. i still cannot lose that person in my life; he makes me trust my decisions, and trust myself, he makes me think through things before i make any choices. and out of every one in the world, i trust him. im not ready to talk about sean yet; and the downfall of our friendship, but i can see that its getting there. i know that i will be the first one to reach out to him because i know that i may not need him in my life; but i certainly want to have him in my life and i dont like that either. i dont like admitting this, because i know how bad it sounds that one, my exboyfriend is my bestfriend, two, he is also what i call family but three, i want him to always be in my life. i know that no present boyfriend wants to hear that or know about it; its not that im afraid of hurting dave nor anyone with sean, that will never happen, i just feel like i need him in order to remember my childhood; rather than remembering the childhood my parents gave me.

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all. " -Eleanor Roosevelt


Sometimes I am afraid that this relationship will fail, but than i remind myself, that i have to be ready for the unexpected, for so long i have just expected not only myself but people i surround myself with to fail, so that i personally am not let down. this time i have to make some changes; and i believe that not making any expectations about this relationship is a step in that direction. i am not sure where this is going or how long it will last or what the future holds, but i dont plan on making assumptions and planning out "our" future becuase all that has done is cause failure. im scared of saying the wrong thing, or saying to much and even too little. im afraid of being imperfect; and although i am well aware of my infinate flaws, i have come to terms with them. there is not one person out there who knows me, really truely knows everything about me anymore; and i think that its for the better. i believe that letting one person know my whole life was a mistake and one that i made on my own, no i dont regret it becuase i wouldnt have sean in my life what so ever. but at the same time i now see that it is better to keep some things to yourself. i tried being closed off, i tried keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and i always found myself here, failing miserably, but giving certain people a little insight of my life seems like the perfect balance. With the few friends that i have that i actually consider to be my real friends, i keep a serious look out on things, and im not sure why exactly. i think becuase i am trying to not expect things, my level of trust has changed. or maybe its because i cant trust myself, let alone another person; this im not sure of. When everything fell apart again, i was surprised to see who had my back, people who i never expected to fall into my life; are now my bestfriends. i miss having that one person who knew me, and knew what i thought and felt before i even did; but i now have something different. i seem to have my own mind, and my own set of thoughts that no one can change or take away from me. im strong and hard headed and i have a mind of my own finally. i stand up for myself, as well as others; and i finally believe that i am the kind of person who is worth someone elses time, i finally believe in myself long enough to make a good choice for my life. I know that I am making good choices for myself, right now; my life is on hold, school is on hold and work is slowing moving along. i finally see that there are people out there willing to help out if you just ask around; and once again its the ones who you least expect to be there for you. I seem to write more everyday; but i know its becuase i want to remember my story, i want to be able to share with my children; my knowledge. i want to be able to look back and see how far i have come. Reading old blogs and letters; sometimes make me laugh but almost always bring me back to that day; and for a few moments i remember that day and those feelings perfectly. i know see writting all of this as an advantage instead of being pathetic, vulnerable and weak. I have confidence in my life and my decisions. i see that i can do what i put my mind to; im not scared to fail anymore; because i have no choice but to succeed anymore. like ive always said, this is my life and its no longer a joke; and i am finally putting that into affect. Im Shelby, and i'l be twenty soon, i have been through alot of family struggles, but not as much as others. I used to believe that blood was thicker than water; and than i met my mother; truely met her. I have a hard head; and i believe in myself, something that took many years to build. I have common problems with myself, just like any girl; but i see myself as different; i am not like anyone else; i am my own, uncommon. I am constantly moving forward, this may be my biggest flaw as well as my biggest asset.

to new beginnings...

i have been realizing that i dont need to blog in order to feel good, i dont even have the urge to write anymore, im truely happy; so i am really hoping that this lasts and suceeds rather than fails miserably. im hoping for the best but expecting the worst. i think that people see us sometimes; and know that our relationship somehow; oddly just works. and i dont know why or how this happend or how we actually got here, but who we are together and seperatly makes me happy. im content with who i am today and i am content with who i spend my time with and who i am dating. dave cares, and laughs and knows how to have fun. i feel like neither of us have ever pretended to be different than who we really are to impress eachother, we dont care that we are both absolutly gross and i love that. i love that i actually feel like i have a relationship where people want to be like us sometimes. we have our fights and our problems just like anyone else but i feel like we always work it out one way or another, and lately we have been getting better talking things through without pulling it out of one another. dave has replaced the spot in my life and heart that was broken, and although he has hurt me; we all make our mistakes and things could be worse. i no longer have that one person that knows my whole life story, i no longer can say that i have a bestfriend who pops into my life when i least expect him to just to see how i am, i can no longer say that i have faith in that friendship anymore, and sometimes i believe it is for the best but than somedays i truely think that i need him to be apart of my life one way or another. but somehow dave has stepped into this place, as a bestfriend, as a boyfriend and as a support system. he has been there since before day one, with the biggest secret of my life, he was there for me when i least expected him to be. i am fine with losing these few people because i have gained so many better people for myself. i have finally surrounded myself with a strong set of individuals that will keep me stong as well. dear sean, my life is moving forward, without you. you know that this is all i have ever wanted for the last 6 years. if you chose to one day catch up, i will let you in like i always do; as nothing has happend. you will remain apart of my life forever, just like i promised. but just remember this is because i am a better person than you, i will and have always been a stronger and better individual and i will continue this for the rest of my life. because of you; i blog, because of you; i have given up and because of you; i continue to constantly move forward. it is finally time to let you go.

04-07-11

listening to country really brings me back to who i am inside and i dont know why i dont do it more often. i sit at this desk and think sometimes, just in the silence of whats really going on around me and whats happend in the past. i realize that i am strong and i am intellegent and i understand alot more than i give myself credit for. There is still alot of factors that im not fond of in myself, for instance my confidence and my relationship with my mom. the fact that i dont see myself as pretty or skinny, im never going to be good enough for myself, but i also think that this is because ive used those excuses for why my past relationships have never worked out. all of them except michael, because all of my previous relationships have been the same except his; i took advantage of that, but i never pretended not to. now, its like we never existed and its like that part of my life never happend and im fine with that. i guess its better that we dont exist to eachother; becuase when it comes down to it, i dont really want to be in his life and i dont want him in mine,i dont see either of us being friends. michael isnt really someone i could be friends with i dont think, i think it would be strictly a realtionship basis, if i could, i would apologize for doing what i did and things ending the way that they did. but neither one of us were to blame completly, i also think that i am the only one who will ever admit that. reid, that part of my life defined highschool and i would take that back if i could, but i also believe that it made me a stronger person and it taught me the meaning of family and friends. sean is always another story, one that right now, i dont want to share. im honestly heart broken with whats going on now; and what has happend. that boy has my heart and he knows it, he is my bestfriend in the whole world regardless of the meaningless and important events that have happend and whats been said, he will always have me to fall back on when the world crashed under him and i dont think that he really understands that. i now, finally understand that we will never be together, i now fully understand that were passed repair and yes, it hurts me and yes, it bothers me but sometimes you just have to keep moving forward and thats all ive been trying to do. David, my friend, my boyfriend. someone who i have unexpectedly started to fall in love with, so far its perfect, fights, problems, happiness and laugher; through all of this i honestly dont know where its going or whats in store; but im ready for it. for whatever reason; im finally prepared to be unprepared.

venting?

I guess when i started all of this years ago, i didnt expect it to turn out this way. i resort to writing and hiding when i feel like i have meaningless comments to make or when i dont want anyone to hear what i have to say. i think im going to utilize this site again, since giving up my other site which is kind of like giving up my best friend sean, i need something to fall back on. he is the only one who knew about that site and now that we said "goodbye" i dont feel as though it would be fair to either of us if i continued to use it. some of my friends know about another website i use so i dont like to go there alot either other than picture blogging, words and paragraphs are what really matter to me and id like to keep those a little bit more private. im not a mess anymore; at least not nearly as much. i think i have found some more dignity and strength inside me. i can go through a day without thinking in the past and that has been probably my biggest accomplishment lately. i dont make regrets and i believe that things happen for a reason. but you make your own fate; so sometimes its hard for me to believe whats meant to be will always find its way.i know that i have a lot to say and i know that i talk a lot of nonsense but that is just me i suppose. i havent been able to say that i have girl friends in years but i now have the closest set of friends in my life. i wouldnt have made it these last few months without them to be able to fall back on. my past relationships have created me into the person i am today, along side with my family. the strength its taken me to pull myself out of the ditches ive fallen and been pushed into, gives me some hope that i have become somewhat the person i always wanted to turn out to be. back in highschool, i was alone; but i allowed myself to be. ive let more people down in my life than i thought i could imagine, but mostly myself. im proud of myself sometimes, il admit that; but sometimes i wont let myself get caught up in the moment. im okay with where im at right now, im content with the person ive become and who ive surrounded myself with and who ive cut out from my life.