go john gogh.

"go john gogh: i knwow this is shollow but baby
go john gogh: idk personality, he might be amazing
go john gogh: but looks
go john gogh: you could do alot better bby"

"jammellaa: dtik'
xoShelKate: dirty tramps i kill
xoShelKate: jasmine what?
jammellaa: hahahaha<333"

truth. my friends really will be there for me through this. thank god i dont know if i could make it through without them. even the ones that i havent known for that long or that i dont know that well are there for me and i love when i find people that will be by my side through everything. thank you

anderson, jammella

"jammellaa: im sorry
jammellaa: shelby
jammellaa: and im not saaying anything more
jammellaa: but this
jammellaa: you are a beautiful girl, and you deserve more than you get
jammellaa: don't settle, you're better than that"

truth. my friends back me up twenty four seven. they dont understand why i stay with sean for what he has done but they back me up. they dont judge me for being so stupid and all they do is be there for me if i ever need to talk to someone. i dont know why i am so stupid about being with sean. why cant i just leave. i wonder why i need him so much sometimes because i wish that i didnt. he isnt the boy i used to know. and i dont know if i can think of him any diffrently than i do. but i want to try. he is everything to me and all i wanted was for him and me to be okay. why did he ruin it why did he make me so sad and break my heart. i dont know if anyone can pick up all the pieces because they are shatterd all over the place. i know some day i will be okay but i dont want to risk my heart ever again. i dont want to be lied to and i dont want to just think that i am happy, i dont want to have to fake a smile and laugh. i want to smile and laugh for real. i dont think i will ever believe a boy in my life. why cant one guy prove girls wrong and make us believe and know that they arent all the same and that they arent always going to break us down. love is a lie. and we believe what we see in the movies and the shows by it being this big fairytale ending and loveing unconditionally no bodywill get hurt and everything will happen to make you feel better.

ashlee

"My love, look at what you've done to meFor someone who has felt so strongIt's amazing I'm completely gone." -Ashlee Simpson

truth. you cheated and ilove you and i cant leave you because i cant do that to myself. you have me hooked and look what i have to deal with now. i cant lay down with you kissing you is out of the questin saying i love you while looking at you.. id be lying to your face and hugging you is the hard knowing that you had your hands all over her like that not too long ago. im not the only one for you and i cant live with that. i dont want to start from ten back to one. i dont believe a word that comess out of your mouth, i look at you and see a typical teenage boy. rediculous

boyfriend liess

“Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest who is not discovered.”
-Susannah Centlivre

truth. you said you loved me, you said you would never hurt me but then you go and cheat on me the worst thing anyone could do. and all i want is to forget about it because there is no way this is for real. im not living this lie anymore. im living the way that desperate whipped girls live. thats not me and things are going to change. you lied. you lied about everything youve ever said to me about waiting for me and wanting to lose your self while i did. fuck that. your the biggest liar ive ever known and im so stupid to stay with you because the only reason you told me is because everyone else knew. my friends knew and didnt tell me and it didnt happen once but it happend twice in one day fuck this. im done i need to do something. almost ten months of my life wasted on something and someone who is a lie

goals.dreams

"It's a dream until you write it down, and then its a goal." - Anonymous

truth. i dont like setting goals because when i dont finish them, people know and i let not only myself down but everyone else. but here i go. im going to take the chance.
1)do something nice for someone who getts picked on in school.
2)expect the unexpected.
3)save (workfor) money religiously.
4)go to church.
5)read as many books as i can.
6)prove people wrong about myself and travis.
7)do something i said i would never do.
8)keep more promises than i break.
9)stay clean.
10)spend time with my extended family.
11)visit my grandpa oakes as much as i can.
12)be honest when im wrong or when ive dont wrong.
13)be friend someone i dislike.
14)laugh and smile for a reason.
15)think before i speak.
16)challenge myself.
17)be trusted.
18)be trustworthy.
19)have faith.
20)love for all the right reasons.

helen keller

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." - Helen Keller

truth. i need to stop being so scared of the world around me. i need to start living the way i was ment to live. i need to wake up and be the right person. i need to smile and laugh for real. i need to be with my real friends and not leave them behind. i need to love all the time and be a normal person without sadness all the time. i need to forget about things and let people go. i need to take risks and i need to take challenges. i can do better than what i apply myself to but i chose to take the easy way out. i need to realize i have people backing me up forever. i need to live spontaniously like i used to. i need to learn from my past. i need to see what other people see when they look at me. i need to change myself to better my life. frankly im content with who i am now but in reality in not good enough for most people. i envy the way people have passion for things in their lives. i enjoy listening to mellow music. i am proud of people who have dreams. i envy other peoples talents. i sit back and watch talk shows and wonder if i will be able to help or save people that ask for my help or advise.i wonder if i can make in impact on someone elses life. my life is a disaster and all i want is my bestfriend back in my arms. and my boyfriend by my side, backing me up.

broken

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

truth. i wish i could live up to what i always wanted myself to be. but in reality all i do is lie. im scared of everything around me now. and not only am i hating it but im hating life all over again. travis i talked to you today for the first time in a real long time. you made me laugh but it felt like we were back at the days where we were bff, brother sister. and thats how i want it to be. you promised to call me back when you left me. and to my surprise you didnt let me down. i thank you. sean made me choose between him and trav. if i talk to trav within the next at least three months then he will leave. this life im living is bullshit but i dont deserve better. and sean, well he does. this life isnt what i expected and the summer goals i wrote are going to turn out and be lifetime goals. i can not accomplish them in this short of a time let, in fact i dont think i will ever be able to finish them all. this is my life now. a lie. a hypocrite. all fears. and i hate it but nothing unusualto hate myself. i accomplished a heart in my hand today, throbbing pain. no regrets and il never regret it. i wont forget what it is for. the heart is for travis and sean, the boys who brought me into the world and made me complete opposite people. the two boys who ment something to me and i made mistakes over. the two boys who hated eachother and loved me. the two boys who i had to chose over in the end. the world wont stop. life isnt short enough.



get to know me.

hinder

"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. It sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel. Hearing those words it makes me weak." -Hinder

truth. i called, you answered.and it was great. though you were sleeping just to hear your voice made things seem so much better. all you said was that you love me and that was just enough. i need you to be my bestfriend again. to prove all of them wrong about you. you were always just enough for me. you made me see the world as a painted canvas, full of love and hapiness. without you im in fear of everything in sight of me. you sounded so sad. you sounded beat. you sounded out of it and alone at the same time. il be here for you always. i cant leave you behind, no matter what anybody says. your my bestfriend. whether they like it or not.

pamala anderson

"I am what I am and I'm a horrible liar. I can't do it. I'm just very candid." Pamela Anderson

truth. all i do is find myself lying more and more. i woke up and lied to my bestfriend about hanging out today. then to my boyfriend about hanging out at a family party when it was all bands from our school and friends. then i lied about smoking ciggs sense the last time i did it and said i would stop because i got so sick. but since then ive dragged twice from mikes and megan gave me one the other day. i get so upset and i cant help it. its stress and anger. im hypacritical and i want to get out. it helps me feel better even though its bad. smoke makes me sick to my stomach when i second hand breathe it. but when its me i could care less. i hate it. i hate myself.

gavin.

"Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes." ~Gloria Naylor

truth. i miss my dad all the time more than anyone else. hes the one who i needed back then to pick me up off the ground and kiss my scraped knees. he is the one that i will need to be there when my heart is broken.

tek. you make it so hard not to believe sean. you dont care about me. ive called you so many times and you wont answer a single call. im getting so sick of hurting myself over what i did wrong or why my besstfriend wouldnt talk to me. i need you. but i need you to be there for me. "im gunna love you more than anyone."

dreams die hard.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
- Epicuros

truth. i had a dream last night and you were in it. you were sitting inside at a table and i snuck up on you anf flung my arms around you. i had the biggest smile and the best feeling again. then i had to go t o the bathroom and when i came back to where you were you left. i couldnt even give you what i made you. i guess my life will never come back together. i woke up and i cant lose that memory. i want to see you i want to be able to run and jump on you and give you the biggest hug like i used to. i want to be able to hangout with you and i want you to see that im your bestfriend not just you say it but acctaully know that i am here for you all the time. i need you though i need you to be there for me. i need you to be my friend back. i need you to come back to who you used to be. when the you come back and we are the same people we used to be il be here. il be waiting until the end of time.

fear in itself.

"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love."---- Graham Greene -

truth. my life is full of fear. my life is full of lies. ive been living this lie that nobody except myself can explain. but i can only explain it to myself otherwise it doesnt make sense. ive been lying to myself. ive been lying to everyone around me. a long time ago i gave a piece of my heart away to a special boy who lead me to see the world. he made me see things that could only been seen with a certian attitude. he made me feel like i was dancing in the moon light with the most eliquant dress on and the most gorgeous heals. he made me feel like the only girl in the room. he was the boy who made me see the world as fun. nothing but joy was on my face when he was in my sight. this boy was the best of my world even if we were bestfriends. but when i got this new boyfriend, he wanted nothing other than his goal to become reality. to change my completely. into someone that i once was. to be the girl who forgot about travis, the girl who was all about tears and fear. when i look at it these past nine months with him have been steady for the most part but when i look at it, he has broken me down into tiny pieces that i cant pickup and put back together. i worry that one day he will leave. i wake up everyday and fall asleep to the thought of travis and followed by guilt that ive thought about him. travis is in my past and my present though not as much and im not letting go so he will be in my future. whenever i think about the fear i have of losing either sean or travis i lose all emotion after a while i want to let myself go. i want to be by myself. i hate the world and i hate seeing it the way i do. society is my fear. when it used to be my happiness. i want my life back. i want to be happy. i want to make a real smile for real reasons. i want to have friends. i dont want to be lonely anymore. i dont want to lose what i once had. i dont want to let go. i wont want to fear what the world has to come. i want to know that everything will be okay i want to know that everything will turn out the way its supposed to. i dont want to be told. i want to believe it. i want to trust it. i used to know that everything happend for a reason. i used to know that in the end everything will work out the way it is supposed to. but now, my life is messed up. i have forgotten what i used to believe in. i want to go back to when things made sense. i want my bestfriend back. i want the boy that i fell for three years ago. its not fair for me to live this lie. its not fair for me to lead people on just to break them apart. i dont want to feel like this anymore. knowing that boy you love doesnt love you back but trying to make yourself disbelieve it rips you apart and throws you around. your heart breaks everyday and only they can pick up the pieces.

a walk to remember

Jamie: You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend.
Landon: I don't want to just be your friend.
Jamie: You don't know what you want.
Landon: Neither do you. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you.
Jamie: And why would that scare me?
Landon: Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

truth. it seems like each day that passes by makes me more sad. it makes me think that im not worth trav's time anymore. its been about four days that ive called and he wont answer my texts or calls at all, wont call or text back. i wish i could prove sean wrong along with every other one of my friends who doesnt believe you can do it. i know you and me can prove them wrong. i try to beleive you when you say that you will change for me. i loved you once and i still have that love for you but you havent made me feel so secure about it all in a long time. we ised to be bestfriends and though we still are we have fallen apart. we have drifted into people who arent who we used to be. i need you to be there for me just like you need me to be there for you. you are everything that once belonged to me. you are everything i use to be. you are all i cared about for a long time and as long as you were backing me up i was fine with messing up the rest of my life because we were the only thing that made since to me. i know what you did i knew how you acted but it was something i was smart enough to not let my heart get into. i can never give you my heart. you walk around with a piece of it everyday anyways, and that alone is way to much for you to handle. you arent careful enough you dont treat it delicatly. you kick it around like a soccer ball. though you are a star you break me apart slowly everyday. i cant lose you in my life but you allowing it to happen. you promised we would always be friends through it all. i need you to keep that promise to me. i need you to be there when i fall apart. i need you to pick up all the pieces.

blink 182

"When I needed you most when I needed a friend, you let me down now like I let you down then" -Blink 182

truth. all i want is to see travis. all i want is to be able to hangout with him and not let everyone down. i cant let go of him. the one boy who was my bestfriend and stayed by my side when everything got messed up. he will stay by my side until the day i die, whether or not everyone else likes it, thats their fault. i let you down before and stopped talking to you i listened to someone else instead of myself. and now you are paying me back for what ive done. i say that its not fair. i say that i wish you would change to your old self. the boy i fell in love with for how funny caring and considerate you were. but it has all changed for drugs. and im not saying im not to blame. it started changing when i got this new boyfriend. all i want is to see you happy and clean. i want to be by your side through it all. i promised id chose you and thats what i did and thats what im going to continue to do. but dont let me down. i need to prove to them all that you can change and that you will change for me. i need to prove them all wrong about you. i need to prove to them that you care about me more than just being alive. that you care who i am without and with you.

"I don't trust him. We're friends." - Bertolt Brecht

truth. if i could have trusted you in the beginning i could have had you. i could have been able to be with you and trusted that you wouldnt break me apart, and that you would care enough to change that part of you. im not able to change my lifestyle because of the way you are. i need you to be my friend. but when we were and when we do talk about being together you and i both know that we cant because i cant trust you no matter what you say and no matter how many times you tell me and reassure me that you will change yourself and you would never hurt me. the reason why we are just friends is because you have changed to much and i dont want to give you my whole heart. i wouldnt want you to hold it in your hands because you wont be to delicate with it at all.you will throw it around like a toy and im scared of getting my heart broken. i cant chance what your capable of.

the notebook

"I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

truth.
believe it nobody in this world should think that they are the most important in the world they shouldnt think the highest of the high. because in reality we all make mistakes, at one point weve done something or said something without thinking. and the truth is people are hypocrites when they disagree. ive never thought that i was special ive never thought highly of myself. we all think about the same things once in a while. in my school theres probably 1 in 10000 people who will ever be eligible to have something named after them. we all think that we will make a diffrence in the world when in reality, its near impossible. when i die my name will eventually fade away. people will mourn over me and go to my funeral and wake. they will laugh and talk about the good times and reminisce on our memories. but eventually my name will slowly die off along with everyone elses. but knowing that i gave my heart out to someone who was always there for me and wanted what was best for me, that alone filled my life out with the most joy in the world. knowing that i had enough in me to change day by day and knowing i gave my heart a second chance instead of ruining myself and being someone who was never really me. knowing that i trusted someone with my life and not only loved them but they loved me back, that alone is the best gift in life itself.

oth.

"Don't be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don't be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb. Be yourself. But make sure you fit in."-Anna


truth. the world is changing each day and its all getting worse. you get into eighth grade and you life begins to change, all the friends you thought you had change into people who want to be cooler and hangout with the popular clique. if you cant keep up its too bad. ninth grade is where your life as a student begins in the sence of society. girls are pressured not only by family friends and school but guys on top of it. many of us have a problem where we think we are fat and we can never be skinny. being to dark whether its skin color or mood and being depressed you feel like nobody understands since you can become and outcast. not being sexually active makes you seem scared and guys just walk out and dont even look your way. if your too chaste guys will start rumors with their guy friends and then the school will soon find out and you will have a reputation and not a good one. when your too smart your called a nerd but if your too dumb people just talk shit behind your back and dont believe you are worth being there. teachers begin to think less of you and when you fail test after test they dont even bother looking over it they just give you a f. once you find where you belong and who your friends with. you can begin being yourself. and thats what matters. once people start liking you for being you, you tend to become more confident with yourself. but some girls get sucked in and hide themselves in the corners or the room. they isolate themselves from everyone and once someone talks to them, they are so scared they cant even open their mouth to let words out. im shelby in turning sixteen soon. ive made more mistakes than anyone of my friends. i said i learned from them but in reality ive made the same mistakes over more times than i can count on my fingers. i try to keep things inside of me that i dont want to bring up to the surface because if i say them outloud, its real and i cant deny it to myself anymore. i wish i didnt have the reputation that i have, even though its not that bad. i wish that i didnt come out and tell people what i used to be like. i wish none of my new friends knew who i used to be. im still me. and i miss who i once was, life waxs funner, life was easier, but it was my way of being selfish. it was my way of being rediculous and cruel i guess you can say it was my way of trying to "fit in" even though i didnt want any new friends. i tell people to stay away from me because one i dont want to get any more new friends and begin to trust them and they ruin it. and two i dont want them to have to deal with all of my shit, theyve got their own problems their own drama, they dont need any of mine. im serious about this matter. i want to be the person that i say i am. i want to be for real. i want to be legit but truth is i havent really changed i just think i have. i think im still the same person, i havent changed, im just to scared to hurt anyone else. i really do love my boyfriend, Sean. i want to be with him forever as does he. but how hes changed me is like being a damn slave. its not as bad as it sounds, but really all i need is to be me. and thats how i act with him i can be myself and i dont get rediculed. life before sean was a mess, it was fun, it was easy, it was secretive, irresponsible, joyous, rediculous, careless, foolish, happy, full, funny and all around great. but life with sean is so much more. losing one thing brings something so much more. truth.

one tree hill

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: "Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

its not as easy as it sounds. i want to have my heart back and give it out fully. i want so much to have travis not have it. he is not the same person as he once was and i guess im just hoping it will all change back to what happend in the past. i miss the way things were but i cant let myself go back to where my life what full of secrets and dishonesty and dishonor. its not who i wanted to be and its not who i want to be.

the holiday

Q.)why am i attracted to a person i know that isnt good?

A.)Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

thats the truth. its what i go through everyday of my life and i just want it all to change. i wish that i could let go to my past. and all the memories ive had with travis. but the truth is i cant and everytime that he forgets to call and promises me that he wont forget about me, all i do is let it go and i just blow it off like i dont care but inside it beats me up. i cant help what i feel no matter what i try.

"im gunna love you more than anyone, im gunna hold you closer than before and when i kiss your sole your whole body will be free, il be free for you anytime. im gunna love you more than anyone." Gavin Degraw.

baby

i have a boyfriend whom of which i love with all of my heart. he is literally all that matters to me, if he is okay thatn i will be fine. all my life ive been told to follow my heart and do what will make me happy. but for me to be happy everyone around me must be happy. i used to live this life where i didnt care who i hurt or what i did or what people said about me. i used to be something that i would have never of expected.i used to break everyones hearts. i used to put myself in really bad situations only to dig myself in deeper later. my life used to be whatever happends, happends. the word "no" was never in my vocabulary, no matter who it was and what i thought about them i didnt have the heart to say no. my life used to be full of joy and laughter. but it was also full of confusion and fear. when i was in eighth grade this boy matt and me started dating. we never hung out and hardly ever talked on the phone it was one of those relationships that little boys and girls have in elementary school but it lasted a really long time. we started dating in december 16 04 we contuniues dating over the summer but rarely talked.i had this really good friend jon who was like a brother to me but we seemed to grow closer and closer that summer. alot of things happend between us that people shouldnt do while they are dating another person. but me and matt got back together freshman year around middle of october or so. by halloween i was back on my ways with another boy named justin. but me and matt broke up the day before and got back together three days later. then again back to jon by thanksgiving. this time i really liked jon we always were together .. me him and travis. i was always going to their soccer games. by christmas time it was still all going on and jon had me make a decision between him and matt. i knew who i was going to choose and i did . i chose jon. when i broke up with matt we were really good but when school started i wanted nothing to do with him. i wasnt embarrassed but i didnt want to legitimatly date him. soon after i stopped everything with jon and me and matt got back together a few months later everything was good and we were still going out until late august. while i was cheating on matt with jon i was cheating on jon with travis and the only one i legitimatly liked to an extent was travis. i think i only stayed with matt because he was in my school and i wasnt embarrassed to be seem with him also because he didnt care what i did. im sure he cared but he didnt do anything about it. i feel bad now about doing what i did to matt but we are such good friends and we can joke around about anything. the whole thing with travis is that i really liked him and he really liked me. but we were always having bad timeing. we were always having bad timeing. we promised eachother who ever was the next person to be single was to stay that way and wait for the other person. that all worked out until i got a new boyfriend on september 30.06 this boy named sean. he was the sweetest boy i was ever with. he made me laugh and i could act like i did with all of my friends and he never regretted asking me out ever.but in late november there was a dance called snowball coming up. sean didnt want to go and i didnt really feel like going either. but i wanted to kinda go with my friends and i was talking to travis about it. he said he would go with me and everything so i talked to sean about it and he was pissed and sad. so we came up with the conclusion that if i went we were going to break up. i didnt go to snowball. also me and travis were texting and many things were said about hanging out and kissing and what not.i was never going to do it but i agreed that it may happen. i forgot to delete them and sean locked himself in his bathroom and read them. it was nothing but tears when he came out. we came up with another conclusion that me and travis couldnt talk for a little while and deffinitly no seeing.so me and travis didnt talk for at least a month and a half until sean said i could talk to him. it was all goo travis has had many people walk out on him and many others ditch him but he said that it was okay and he forgave me. a few months ago i went to see travis with my girl lisa at his soccer practice. i had to leave early so we didnt talk but when i got home i felt like the worst girlfriend. i told sean what i had done. andhe didnt care. he acctually wanted me to start hanging out with travis but in public places. i told him that he couldnt let me because when i saw him all the feelings i once had come back. all of the momories came back and i didnt even talk to him. sean was so upset and i didnt want it to happen. i told travis about it all which was something that i never should have done. everything is good now but lately seans been saying why do you bother talking to him." he doesnt care about you". and i want so hard to not believe it and i try so hard not to let it get to me and bother me. but it does i even talked to trav about it and he said that he cared. its not that i care so much if he cares about me. its that i fell for the old travis the old boy who made me feel like the only girl in the room. he made me feel so good about everything be was a fairytale. and i seem to be the only one who remembers it being that way. he has changed himself so much. he has this new soccer team that got him into drugs and thats something he used to say he would never do. he used to only go to a few partys a month and now its every weekend at least once. he doesnt have many people who are there for him. im the only person who knows what has happend to him and his family when he was young. im the only one he will talk about with everything and im the only one that will sit there through all that he tells me and i wont walk out i listen to what he is dealing with and give him advise and he returns the favor. i go to him with all of my sean problems and though its not a topic he likes to hear about he will do his best to give me the best advise from the heart.and to hear someone say that he doesnt care about me and the only reason he still talks to me is because he thinks that me and sean are going to break up and i will go back to travis in a heart beat he just wants ass. and that he is using me. i dont want to hear that out of anyone expecially my boyfriend. i love sean dont get me wrong and not one day that we have been dating did i not think about him and not one day did i forget about how much i love him . i never stopped loving him. he is forever. i want sean forever. but giving up travis is something i cant do again. he needs someone there for him. just like everyone else does. sean said that he doesnt deserve someone like me. but i told him that i didnt deserve someone like him. no matter how much i hurt sean he never left me . no matter how many times i lied and went back on my word and was selfish about being who i used to be he never turned his back and left me. he always forgave me.no body in their right mind would stay with a girl who has made so many mistakes. second chances .. yes. but fifth six and seventh chances are getting to be something rediculous i wouldnt stand for it if the situation was in reverse. i say i learn from my mistakes and i learn from what ive done. but in reality i havent because i keep making them over and over. someday i hope to grow up and realize that im in a better light.