I haven't figured out how I lucked out in life this much. I haven't figured out how it's possible to be so incredibly happy after everything I've encountered,been through and seen. I have my days where I am sad and where I am brought back to  two years ago when I last saw my best friend. Just like everything else that had to do with us, I remember our last year together perfectly. I cannot thank you enough for all the love and support you've given me. I can't imagine what my life would be like if there was never you. Sean, you gave me the best gift besides yourself; you gave me the bravery to move forward from losing you with the most amazing human I've come across since you. I am so incredibly happy to be so in love with Matthew and I love you so much for letting that happen for me. It's not often that I take the time to write anymore but I want to, I feel the urge to write but can never find the words. I am forever thankful for the life I have. I am forever grateful for the woman I've become thanks to you. 

tired

I've seen better days, but I've also seen worse. Lately, I've kind of just been excluding myself, or wanting to at least. I realized relationships aren't fairytales, but i realized that years ago. relationships are teamwork and more like a business arrangement. I know most people who saw me saying that would be so shocked, they would probably take it as something more than what i actually mean. I used to think that everything had to be perfect, otherwise id just be settling. I've learned that I need to just shut my mouth more and keep my opinions to myself. Sometimes i take for granted how lucky i am to have this life, be in love and have another opportunity at being happy, or at least trying to be. And other times i feel like i cant speak my mind, or have an opinion or speak up at all when i want to without being yelled at or given attitude for it. And at that point i just ask myself whats the point? whats the point in being apart of something that you cant even have an opinion to help someone else. This situation isn't going to matter in another day or two, but its more of the fact that its all the time in every situation. I kind of just shut down and busy myself in work and school and i can already see all of that happening again. Ive learned that things that used to mean so much, and bother me or irritate me are not that important anymore. I have said it 100 times and I will continue to say it my whole life, My whole life changed when Sean died, I changed. I promised myself that i would put myself first, that i would be happy again and make him proud. I just want a good life for myself, i so desperately want to  be happy and i know that i wouldnt have done it for myself. I am genuinely happy, but theres still something missing and its not all the time, but i cannot put my finger on it. Maybe its that Matt used to put so much effort in, and care about so much. he used to go above and beyond and now its like I am just there when he needs something. I know people get comfortable but i cant imagine the day that i stop trying to be the best girlfriend i can be for him. I dont think that i have it in me to survive another breakup and relationship with someone else, i just simply am too tired to give my heart out again. I think that i have tried my hardest to put all of me into this one and i think that now that i am all about this relationship, Matts just not anymore. That alone is killing me.

All the things I should have said...

I'm devoting this time to jot down the thoughts I've had in the last few days and something's I never got to say or have grown to want to say over the last couple of months... 

This year, I changed. I've become the person I used to be; just smarter and wiser than I was at 15. I've had heart ache after heart ache my whole life- clinging to a different relationship in hopes that one will fill the void that the last one left but never finding the solution. I've had some cruddy luck which has caused me to lose a little bit of myself each time. People look at me differently now than they used to. People back home see me as some sad depressing story and avoid me. That or they think I just jump guy to guy since Sean left. Whatever their opinion may be; it's not my business and I don't care. I chose to change my life, I chose to leave David behind and work on finding myself again. At 15, I thought I had the best life. I had the best boyfriend and we were going to last forever. I was hopeful of a future and I was optimistic about my dreams; our dreams. Me and Sean talked about family and what sports our kids would play, we talked about what kind of house he wanted and the White House with blue shutters on the lake so Pa and nana would finally have a camp again for the boats. At 15 I lived a fairy tale and looking back, I wish I never changed. I tell jay a lot; mainly about life in general. For some reason he just understands and doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his responses. We were talking about Matt and kids and a house and getting another puppy and he said "it's weird that him and myself are in two completely different places in life" and he's right. I'm 23, I don't care to go out and drink, to party or go to bars. I have limited friends and I'm finally ready to start a life and have things that I can create and grow with- I'm ready for my next chapter in life. A year ago, I never thought I'd ever say that or see the day so that alone I know I'm recovering. I told David that I wasn't ever going to marry him, always laughed while I said it- but I remember thinking I'd be crazy to marry someone when we argue everyday. After a while it became that I wasn't having kids. Not bc I didn't want them but bc we were together and planned to stay together and I didn't want to have my kids growing up with a father who lies and cheats and grow up in a home where no one is happy. It's sad that I ever considered missing out on a family to stay with someone who did all those things to me. It's amazing looking back on this last year at how different my mind set is. Sean's given me the strength each day to move forward and allowed me to love again- to really love and let someone else love me back. 

Matthew,

It takes a special person to take this crazy journey in life with me. I'm not exactly the easiest girl to get along with nor am I perfect. I am scared everyday, I'm sad everyday and I will never forget Sean Jr. or our life together. I will never let that part of me go and if/when I have a daughter il tell her stories about Sean and how important he is, I will explain how special being in love, innocently and so deeply changes your life- it molds you and it becomes a forever friendship. He lives in me everyday and I am forever grateful that he sent such a wonderful man my way and let me decide for myself what my next move was going to be so many months ago. I owe Sean so much but mostly I owe him the strength he gave me to stick life out and not give up because I deserve a happy life and I deserve to be loved and have a family and love someone with all of me. Please don't ever feel like I don't love you enough because I finally have hope again that a real fairy tale life can happen. I finally have the optimism I used to and I finally can love with all of me. Sean is so very important to me but so are you and I don't want you to ever think differently. I had 10 wonderful, crazy, depressing, yet loving years with Sean and although I'd give anything to have him back; I'm so very lucky to have you to spend those same traits and life with. I love you. 

I've had a hard time going through Sean jr pictures especially the ones that were fantastic days. Sean let me grow and go through the awkward stages of clothing, styles , hair changes and whatever else I threw at him. He loved me for the exact person that I was and am and it's been really rough finding someone who I know will do the same. I don't expect someone to replace Sean but I expect someone to treasure and respect my past and my love and heart just as much as he has. I will always somewhat hold a standard now for myself. Because I know how much I've been loved before; I know how much of a best friend I had by my side while going through life and growing up and will never settle for something less. I miss junior so much. It gets harder and harder losing his presence in my everyday life. I just pray Matt or whoever I do end up with for the rest of my life can understand and support me in my choices on how to keep Sean alive within me and thoughts I have on keeping him in my memory. I can't believe this has happened and more often times than none do I catch myself trying to understand how I even have the strength to get through life without him. I don't know how it's even been this long because I can't imagine going on without him. You talk to someone everyday, know everything about them and grew as people together, having someone you know would take a bullet for you and someone who loves you so much that they'd send a wonderful guy in my life and let me learn how to love again and they're not actually by your side anymore; you don't get to talk to them or hug them or cry with them or tell them how you feel or how your day was. Everyday has been hard without my bestfriend, every day's been hard to handle the change without my person. But I owe him everything that came out of this past year. I love you Jr. Il see you soon than. Xoxo

Dear Sean,

I get to wake up to and fall asleep next to Matthew and know that I'm safe again. I'm in love with my bestfriend. The worst part is no one knows how truly important that feeling is to me except you. I am so incredibly happy to have been blessed with this person; you've sent such great things my way all just to make me happy. I will continue to live this life to make you proud and always keep my head up when my typical thoughts come into play. I miss you so much Sean and nothing will ever take that away. I miss my bestfriend and my soulmate; but you've given me a real second chance at love and keep pushing me to get this right. Matt gives me the faith that il feel the things I haven't felt in years for another person. You allow me to see a future and open my eyes to other opportunities without you. I get to tell my whole life to someone who wants to spend theirs with me, I get to wake up knowing he will come back later that day and knowing that I have someone to take life on with. I'm in love with someone who I like to call one of my best friends and I can't explain what I'm going through to anyone but you. I know you can see us and I know how much you love me bc if you were here, you'd just be jealous of the person and try to sneak your way back into my heart. I know how hard it must be to let go and push people towards me, give me a life that we couldn't spend together. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to watch me be this happy without you but please know that deep inside I'm still so hurt from your absence, I'm still broken without you. There are always going to be moments where I say to myself "I wish Sean were here, or I gotta call Sean" or just when I need advice or a huge bear hug from you. There are always going to be things I won't be able to talk about with anyone but you and things that no one will be able to get out of me that you would. But these babysteps have given me this life that I didn't see coming. I thought that I'd be with you, I thought I had it all planned out, all I wanted to do was see you and be with you again. I had too much to prove, too much life to make you proud with. You've given me so much in life over the last 10 years, taught me so much. I can honestly say I am who I am because of you junior. I'm finally happy with who I am and I'm happy with who I'm with and who I let go of. I'm happy that I still have the best bestfriend and angel always holding me up and having me back like you always did. Thank you for ever loving me and thank you for letting me fall in love again and letting someone love me like I deserve again. 

I'll see you soon than cutie. Xoxo 

I know I've repeated myself over and over lately. It's just sometimes I don't know what to write, I don't know how else to word what I want to say. I'm not the same person that I used to be. I've changed and sometimes I don't even see it. I don't expect someone to replace Sean actually I don't want someone to replace him because I want to be able to remember the sacred relationship that we had. I will never take the friendship we had away from either of us.  I don't care if people believe me or not, I truly believe Sean has sent people in my direction. I know he has pushed the strength to get through each day towards me. I know he's done nothing but look out for me since he left because he couldn't do it for me while he was alive. I know he sees what I went through over all these years; especially the last one with him and I know he's sorry. I don't ever want him to think he owes me a second chance at happiness becuase the truth is, he doesn't owe me anything.

If you were to have asked me last summer if I'd ever be happy again and move on from Sean's death I would have told you no and I would have said I wouldn't be here much longer. I wanted to go, I wanted to see Sean again bc this life isn't what it used to be without him. I had him along this whole way along side me or in the background pushing me to find someone better for me. I know how much he loved me and I know how highly he thought of me and how happy he wanted to make me. Sending guys in my direction or live and learn from is his way of doing that. I woke up one day and realized I wanted to live and I wanted to make him proud; live for him and make him a memory that would live on through me. I woke up and wanted everything to change and I did just that. I'm scared of what this relationship can do to me. I could be left broken apart again and have to start over but I can also be happy and start a life with Matt. I'm scared at how much I care and how much I love him because I've been screwed over before. I just don't want to be left heart broken again. I want a life and just want to make someone as happy as they make me. I want to live the way that I deserve and love someonw as much as I can. I want to be as happy as I once was and be loved as much as I know I can be loved my someone. I don't expect someone to replace Sean but I know I won't settle

For anything less than I've already had. I love you junior. I'll see you soon than. 

To the moon and more 

I can't believe it's been over a year without seeing you Sean. I pray everyday that I'll see you in my dreams or in people on the street again but I know you won't let me. I am forever great fun for this life you've given me. Because the truth is I owe you everything. You taught me how to love and than taught me how to love myself. You gave me this incredible strength that I never knew I had. Losing you has been the single worst thing that's happened in my life- it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through but God obviously had better plans for you. You are the one person who has single handedly pushed me through my whole life. Whether it be in spite of you or because of you- Ive grown into this person with the help of you. I miss you so much cutie. I miss my best friend and I miss the only person who actually saw me for who I was and still put me above on a pedestal. I missed the real you and I was so happy that you gave me the opportunity to see that side of you one last time before you left us. I'm lucky to have your family who always keeps me involved and who treats me like I'm apart of your family and says that you're apart of me. Sometimes it's hard to believe that becuase you never visit me- it's hard to believe you want to be here with me. But it's impossible that you're not when all of this stuff is happening to me. School, work, everyday good luck, Matthew just everything I know you've had apart in throwing all these things at me and I know it's just your way of making sure I am okay and that I get better and get over you. It's your way of making sure that I don't grieve and wait my whole life for someone who isn't and can't come back to me. You've given me a second chance at love - real love with a real person, someone who you think is good enough for me. I know you've thrown Matt in my direction as crazy as it sounds. I thank you for everything you've done for me- you put me first everyday to make sure that the rest of my life without you is the best it can be. I will see you again someday but don't make me wait forever for you to visit me. Thank you for giving me a chance at love again and making me see thy I can have a life and love and family and grow without you physically because there was a point where I didn't think I would. You are forever my soulmate and my forever best friend, you are the most important thing I've had this far to impact my life- everyone knows that but I will never be silent about you. I will never not talk about you or feel bad that I had a love before this one because your life deserved to be remembered, our life together as friends and a couple deserves to be remembered. I love you so much junior. Keep watching over me I hope you're proud of the woman I'm becoming and know that I am so appreciative of Matthew and the love you've let me give out again. Stay smiling my love. See you soon than. Xoxo 

It's hard to believe someone is real and actually cares for only you when all you've ever been is cheated out of relationships my whole life. I wanna believe this is real; I want to have faith but my mind gets the best of me. 

This past year I have grown into someone who I am actually proud of. I've never struggled with being ashamed of myself, or thinking that I was ever a bad person but I have issues just like everyone else. I never  knew who I was. I never knew who I'd become or who what I was meant to be. Sean has guided me this past year every step of the way into this life that I now call mine. I know that you have thrown things in my direction from wherever you are because i know that you want what is best for me. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me, through life with you and this life without you. I can never be mad at you junior, you've given me the strength to get up everyday since i was 15 years old. whether it was to prove you wrong when i was mad at you, to get up and get my ass to school to see you, help you, chase you around town, run away with you or now, to make you proud and be the girl you always knew i could be. Lately, all ive been thinking about is my future and where i am going. I so desperately cannot wait to be a mom, not because i want something to call my own, but because i was so afraid to be one before and afraid that whoever the father could potentially be; could walk out at any moment. I know that i would be a great mom and an even better wife. I love the idea of having a family and I love that i am ready for one. I am in by no means in a rush to jump into it but the idea is more comforting to me now. I know that Sean wants me to be happy, the happiest I have ever been because I deep down know that he understands me more than anyone else ever has and understands how important life beyond him and I is now. When Sean passed away i prayed he would take me with him, i constantly found myself wanting to be by his side and seriously contemplated going the way he did just because i knew it would be the easiest way out. One day i woke up and everything was so different, i broke up with Dave and i knew that this was the real beginning of my life; i was finally set free to live a fresh start the way i wanted and deserved. I will never say that Dave is or was a bad person because the truth is- he was my best friend, for 4 years he was my side kick, the person who helped me through alot of days and when Sean got really sick; he was there as best as he could be when i needed him to be. however, when he died, i changed, everything changed and we needed to take our lives in the direction we wanted them to be and that happened to be in opposite ways. I dont hate Dave, i never could but he wasnt a good boyfriend for me and our relationship wasnt healthy anymore. I honestly wish him all the best that life can give him and it is in my hopes that he finds someone who will love him and give him all the happiness in the world. As for me, i've found all that i want in life. I have the support of my family, the best nieces and nephews in the world, i have Jill and my cousins who keep my life full of love and laughter, i have my mom and my sisters, i have school and work and everything that i have in my life I have worked for myself. I have the love of my grandparents, which is so strong and means so much to me. I have Matthew, who i never expected to walk into my life, who i never meant to hurt in the beginning. I am so happy that i made this "decision" - i know Sean sat up there watching the stress that i was under, not only laughing but making sure that I made that decision for myself not one to please anyone else other than me or with the guidance of him. I always pick love, i never give up on people; so how could i chose to start fresh with someone i barely even knew? I saw that Matt truely cared about me, i could see how hard he worked to keep me interested and even when i was honest with him- he didnt stop, he didnt just walk out on me. and sometimes i dont understand why he didnt, sometimes i dont know what his real intentions were- but it honestly doesnt matter anymore. I picked him because i needed to break my pattern in relationships, i chose Matt because i could see in him the way that he cared about me in two weeks, i couldnt imagine giving that up for the world. I am truly blessed to even have him in my life, to be apart of something that makes me as happy as he does. We have only know each other and been together for two months but sometimes it feels like so much longer. Not everything is perfect, and i dont expect it to be but everything is so different- we actually talk and i never feel like i have to hide anything or not argue or really say how i feel when i feel it. I think about all the places i have been and all the places i want to go and things that i want to do and i just want him there with me. i love how much he loves Coco; he is so good with her, she loves him and listens to him; its been hard to find someone who connects with her the way that i do, she loved David and i honestly didnt think that i would find someone who would accept us both as a package deal. i have never been one to talk about all the emotions and feelings that i have for boyfriends or anyone for that matter, i always just write it out and keep it to myself. I am so blessed to have this life and I am so excited and prepared to see where its going. being optimistic hasn't been my best way of handling life, but Sean has taught me this new life and I have never been happier to make him proud.

thank you for always being so positive for me Junior- i love you so much, I'll see you soon than

I somehow never think to write anymore. But I want to - it always helped me get through the worst days. I write because I don't like to forget how I felt or how angry, sad or happy I was and who was there. I've been blessed to have Matthew. I'm blessed that he stuck around and gave me a chance. I'm happy, I really am. I just want things to be better - I want to make someone happy, I want him to trust me and trust that I'm here for him. Whether he's just saying it or not; he doesn't get weirded out about Sean. I wish he knew or understood because I hope this ones it for me. I never cared if anyone understood Sean and Shelby because the truth is- no one ever will and no one ever did. But Sean lives inside of me and always will. His presence in my life is so important and speaking about him and remembering him is something I will never let myself fail at. I loved Sean with all of my being when I was 15 years old, I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. We loved eachother so much, more than I can honestly say for a lot of people. Sean was my person, my bestfriend, my soulmate and the absolute love of my life. I wanted everything with him and I will never forget that. But I know that I can be just as happy as I was at 15 again and I know Sean's been throwing opportunities my way since the day he left us. Sean will always be such an important role in my life and I wish I could see him more often. I've been living this life and doing this school and work thing for him to be someone he can be proud of, to make him happy and know that I appreciate the motivation he pushes me with. There will always be days where I miss him more than usual but I'm ready to be happy again and try life with Matt. I'm ready to start a future and hope this one works out better than the last. 

Il see you soon than... 

Sometimes I don't know how i got here. So motivated to be someone that you'd be proud of. I live for you Sean. I'm living my life the best way I know how at this point; trying not to make a wrong turn or decision because you no longer can. You've thrown so much positivity in my direction this past year and I cannot thank you enough for always keeping me afloat. I know that you are with me but u never want to forget you, I never want there to be a day where I don't think of you or miss you. I know you would want me to move on with my life and be happy; find a boy and start a life for myself- do all the things we talked about doing. I know you want all the happiness in the world for me- but you can't just leave me and think that it's best for me to forget about you. I truly think you control some of my thoughts or dreams somehow. I never see you anymore- NEVER in months. Too many months. All I want to do is be reminded you're actually still here. I miss your family- mom, nana and pa I haven't gone to see them since your anniversary. Life isn't the same without my best friend and I just don't think that feeling will ever go away. Please don't leave my side junior. I will forever need you and will forever need your memory to keep myself going. I'm doing all of this for you- to live a life you can't. Il see you soon than

I didn't expect this to happen to me. I didn't think you'd be okay with it or even allow me to find someone new. I know you made this happen and I know you threw Michael into my life for a reason. I see a lot of you in him and I haven't actually ever said that. It scares me how much I like this boy but I know you expect that out of me. I just hope you don't think this is another "you need a guy to make you happy" situations- you always pissed me off when you said that to me. I would do anything to have you back here with me if I could. I still can't believe your gone; I can't believe I lost the love of my life. I know il never find you in someone else- I know il never be okay but I finally see some hope in life recently.  I don't have to bury myself in my textbooks and homework and working just to feel important to something. I no longer have to fall off the map in order to find peace and be able to breathe. I'm finally finding myself smiling again and breathing positivity again.  I can not thank you enough for pushing me in the right direction and always ALWAYS having my back and throwing things at me that I need. You look out for me and I want you to know that it doesn't go unnoticed. I love you so much junior. There will never be a day where your absence will be comforting to me. Your apart of me; you always will be. Please continue to watch over me; but please visit me; I still need you. I miss you cutie. Always and forever 

I wish you came to visit more. I wish you were still here. I wish you were mine. I wish I was hiding out in your room or the basement or wherever honestly; as long as it's with you. I wish you could have met coco. I wish you were better. I wish I could cry with you and I wish i had your advise right about now. There's not a single day where I don't think of you or I ask myself "what if". Like what if you were here? What if you did recover? What if you never died? What if we got back together? Would we have to move away? Would you be realistic? Would you be the same Seany that I fell in love with? Would I be able to handle the running away from home to help you stay clean and be with you? Would I have ever broken up with Dave? Gone back to school? Would Dave had still moved to Rhode Island? I question everything because your passing changed my whole life. It amazes me how one person could change everything about me. But if it was going to be someone; I couldn't imagine it be anyone but you. Days pass and I still feel like it was just yesterday we were sending back off to Oswego. Or when we went to chillis or when you were at my old Troy apartment.  These days are ao clear to me. I can remember every move or word that was said. I can remember every feeling I had. I love you junior. I always have; and I always will. I can't settle for less than what I've had before and it scares me to know that it can never be you. It scares me that I can't just walk into your house and you'll be there, open arms for a hug "hey Shelbs" il never get passed this and il never not talk about it. Have a perfect day in heaven cutie. I love you 

I don't see you in my dreams anymore. I don't even think of you that often. I pretend your still here. I know you want to help me through this and take my pain away. But missing you completely from my life isn't fair to me. I love you Sean. I love seeing you when I sleep and thinking of you during the day. I love talking about you and I love remembering what it felt like to be in love and be happy. You've helped push me along this past year; I just wish you were still here to see it with me. I can't imagine this will ever get any better; any easier on any of us.  But I am so grateful and blessed to have your family who involve me and keep in contact with me regularly. I wish I could be apart of your family with you Seany and I'm sorry that didn't happen for us. Nana said that even though it didn't this time: she thinks that someday we will be together. It's what gets me through this life without you. Your my soulmate, my best friend. Your my first love and heart break, but your also my lesson in life. God gave me you for the ups and downs. I wish you were here to see me finally listen to you about David. I wish you could have been here to pick me up and tell me it will be okay; but I know your up there screaming it at me anyway. I will never talk badly about Dave, he is one of my bestfriends, we have a lot of great times and we have fun; but to me; he is a terrible boyfriend and I didn't deserve the life he had given to me. I wish you could be here to ride this journey with me and push my ass along at school and work but I'm not sure if you would have been strong enough to stick around here with me. There's so many things left unsaid. So many emotions and things I didn't let surface that came rushing out when you passed that I've been overwhelmed. This last year; was awful for me but I need you to visit with me and be apart of my life still. I miss you so very much and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you more while you were here. I wish I had known earlier, I wish I had taken it more seriously. I'm proud of the man you became Sean; addiction or not. You were my cutie and I'd loved you just the same every day. Don't ever forget that. Il see you soon for our second chance at life; were gunna get that one right this time. Love you junior. Always and forever