I know I've repeated myself over and over lately. It's just sometimes I don't know what to write, I don't know how else to word what I want to say. I'm not the same person that I used to be. I've changed and sometimes I don't even see it. I don't expect someone to replace Sean actually I don't want someone to replace him because I want to be able to remember the sacred relationship that we had. I will never take the friendship we had away from either of us.  I don't care if people believe me or not, I truly believe Sean has sent people in my direction. I know he has pushed the strength to get through each day towards me. I know he's done nothing but look out for me since he left because he couldn't do it for me while he was alive. I know he sees what I went through over all these years; especially the last one with him and I know he's sorry. I don't ever want him to think he owes me a second chance at happiness becuase the truth is, he doesn't owe me anything.

If you were to have asked me last summer if I'd ever be happy again and move on from Sean's death I would have told you no and I would have said I wouldn't be here much longer. I wanted to go, I wanted to see Sean again bc this life isn't what it used to be without him. I had him along this whole way along side me or in the background pushing me to find someone better for me. I know how much he loved me and I know how highly he thought of me and how happy he wanted to make me. Sending guys in my direction or live and learn from is his way of doing that. I woke up one day and realized I wanted to live and I wanted to make him proud; live for him and make him a memory that would live on through me. I woke up and wanted everything to change and I did just that. I'm scared of what this relationship can do to me. I could be left broken apart again and have to start over but I can also be happy and start a life with Matt. I'm scared at how much I care and how much I love him because I've been screwed over before. I just don't want to be left heart broken again. I want a life and just want to make someone as happy as they make me. I want to live the way that I deserve and love someonw as much as I can. I want to be as happy as I once was and be loved as much as I know I can be loved my someone. I don't expect someone to replace Sean but I know I won't settle

For anything less than I've already had. I love you junior. I'll see you soon than. 

To the moon and more