I'm lost for words and what to write but I know I have so much more to talk about and endless things to say to you. I've written to you since I was 15 years old and it just seems wrong to stop. I wish I could have one more day with you; but I know that I need far more days than just that one. I will never be okay with this- I need you in my life. People tell me it's because it's so soon that I feel the way that I do about certain things but I know it's because it's how I really feel. I've been dramatic, I've been selfish and I've been stupid but now, I'm just being honest. I've had the last four years with you being at school and being with Sam- where you were voided in my life but when we got to talking again; it was like we never lost each other at all. I wish so badly that we could go back to freshman year and do it all over again. We finally got back together Christmas break and you broke my heart all over again- but if I knew then what I know now; I never would have let you leave me. I would have up and moved there for you; just to help you. Your my bestfriend. I would have done ANYTHING you needed me to and I hope that you know that now. I wish so badly that I had you back; as selfish as that is, I would do anything to wake up and you be next to me laughing even snoring if it meant you were here. I miss you so much junior; my life doesn't make sense. I feel like I'm floating through life; not doing anything inparticular. I always took the safe route; and you were always the one who tested the waters and I just always hoped that it would have worked out one way or another. I fell in love at 15 years old and I never got that piece of myself back; I know it's cliche and childish but I was in love with the most handsome, beautiful, loving and selfish asshole I've ever known- I still am. I wish you believed in yourself as much as I did, I wish you loved yourself as i do, maybe you'd still be here. I wish you took me with you- I keep saying that and i honestly mean it. This past month has been so hard. I don't feel like I'm living for anything, I'm just coasting by. I don't know where to go next or what my next move should be. I can't imagine myself with anyone else for the rest of my life. The one person I used to imagine my life with I feel like in wasting my time and effort trying to fix everything when I know in my heart that it won't work out with our past and what he has said about this situation. Everyone has always come second to you and they always will. You don't recover from a first love; You don't get that part of yourself, your heart or trust back again. After your first love, you change and your never the same person again. Sean, you took a piece of me with you when you left and I guess you always carried it with you anyways all these years. I love you forever cutie. Il see you soon- I truly hope heaven is a real place to start over bc I wouldn't want anything more than to meet you up there and start our second life  <3 

I can't stop thinking about my birthday. How I drove all the way to your house because I was "too drunk to drive" and needed you to drive me home. I can't stop thinking about how scared I was that I would wake up and you'd be gone. I can't stop thinking about how that was the last sleepover we had, the last time you even tried to kiss me. I miss you more than ever Sean. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. None of it makes sense. My life without you doesn't make sense. I need you back, I wish you took me with you. Don't make me wait too long to see you again; make sure you wait for me to be with you; wherever you are and send signs that your with me from now until then. I love you so much cutie. I always have. I never imagined I would lose you; I never wanted to. Your my best friend, my first love; your my Noah. How can it be possible that your gone? I cannot wait for the day that I get to see you again, to get my hug and my "little boy" back again. I love you seany 093006 always and forever <3 

When I was 15 I didn't think my life would get this far. At 16 I wanted to die; I wanted nothing more than to let go and not be here anymore. I was young and thought my life wasn't worth it- dramatic would be the word I now would use to describe 16 year old me. Sean was too happy at 16; happy enough for the two of us. I have never had someone who knew how to get on my nerves and take over my heart all at once. There is no one who loved me like Sean did; there was no one who would protect me and be there like Sean always was. I know that Sean wouldn't want me to say this- but I really wish he took me along for this journey with him because life without him doesn't make sense. My life without Sean doesn't make sense. Even if we hadn't talked for a week, we would pick right back up where we left off just messing around cracking jokes at one another. Sean was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first heartbreak. He was my everything. I would do anything to go back to freshman year when he first left and never let him fall, I would do anything to go back to senior year; prom and agree to get back together after going to prom together just so I could make sure things were different. Sean was always going to party, always going to end up going to Oswego; I just wish I could have gotten him out of there sooner or been there more hands on. I still cannot believe that my best friend and soulmate is gone forever; I can't believe I have to live however many years without him next to me. Who knows what life could have brought us. Sean was so strong and so hard headed I thought this disease would have just been a milestone; something to overcome but I guess it was too much for even him to accomplish. There are so many things I wish I could have changed or went back for. There are so many opportunities I wish that I had taken to still have my Sean here with me. I don't think he really knew how much I need him or how much I really do love him; I don't think he let himself believe it. I miss You everyday seany, I hope heaven let's you read my posts; this is the only place I feel safe, remember? Your still the only one who knows about my sites; I only kept them for you- so we could keep in touch somehow when we "weren't allowed" I know that it's hard for you to show your with me and give signs that your still here; but please be here- be in my dreams- show me whatever you can so I know you haven't left me completely. You have no idea how much I still need you; I dont think I realized how much that really was until you were already gone. I love you seany, always and forever 💙 a promise is a promise 

Still to this day; I'm left so alone. It's been three weeks sense you've been gone and i still catch myself thinking about you everyday- I still catch myself trying to text and call you just to tell you something dumb. Tmrw is graduation; I know you'll be there. I know you'll float across that stage with the biggest smile on your face because you did it seany. You finished I just wish you were here with me to be able to continue on. I wish I could go back and help you more. I wish I could make you listen to me; make you tell me you love me back more. Help you understand I would do anything for you because I truly wanted you to have the best life you could have possible. I wish I was with you- I wish you took me along for this new journey of yours. Maybe that's selfish of me; but then again I know you understand. I can't imagine my life without you here; my life doesn't make sense without you in it. I'm not the same person I was at 15 and now, I'm not the same perpsn I was a month ago. You've helped guide me through my whole life. We grew up together; you helped mold me without even really knowing it. You may have needed me I your life; but I needed you just as much. I still do. It hurts more and more knowing I won't have you back and realizing little by little that your really gone. I don't want another week without you; let alone 40+ years. This isn't fair; not for your family, not to you and not to me. I loved you more than anyone could understand; I still do. It's hard to have what we have and have seen what you let get ahold of you. It was hard to be there because I knew you deserved so much more. I now am left speechless with what my next move is. I'm completely lost without you and I know at some points in our lives we didn't see eye to eye and you thought I was dramatic with things. But I really appreciate you. I really need you back, we all do. I know it's hard for you to show yourself and give me signs that your still here with me but I need to know your still flying next to me. I need to know that your here- to stabilize myself in this situation. I couldn't be more proud of you; I couldn't be more proud to call you my best friend and soul mate thus far. I don't see this getting any better or any easier. I just don't see myself getting out of this and being normal Shelby still. I know You wouldn't want anything less, but I just don't think I can honestly come out of this without help. I need you seany. I will never be the same. I love you forever 

I want to wake up and this not be real. I couldn't have lost my best friend. I couldn't have lost my seany. My junior. My everything. I don't want to live in a world Without you, I just don't understand one without you in it. Through the good and the bad I've always had you to fall back on when I needed you most and now- I have no one. No one will ever replace the hole in my heart- just like no one ever has.  I love you more than words could Ever describe. In hope I get to see you soon cutie. I love you. Life without you makes no sense💔

I'm running out of things to say, how to feel, what to think. I wish that I could wrap my head around this. Life without Sean; even just this past week hasn't made sense. I've had his family around me everyday so it's kind of like I haven't had that void of him yet. It's weird without him here, I don't know if il ever be okay with him being gone. This couldn't have had to happen. He didn't want this; there's no way. I don't know how long I can live without having my best friend in my life. I'm so happy that the last time I got to see Sean that he was healthy and that he looked so incredible handsome. I will always appreciate that Sean; our real Sean. Everyone spoke so highly of Sean and that he was one of the best people they knew, I'm greatful that people saw him that way; I'm happy that's how he will be remembered. Everyone says that this will get easier and that this feeling will go away. I don't think it ever will. I don't think people really know how much Sean meant to me or how much was invested into out friendship/relationship. I'm so lucky to have Sean's family to grieve with and to spend time with memories of all of us. I'm lucky to have gotten to meet some of Sean's friends and hear all he has had to say about me and about us. It's comforting hearing I wasn't just some girl back at home that was his secret or something. It's comforting hearing all he has said about me and told people. I know that I truly made an impact in Sean's life and that he really did appreciate and love me. I couldn't have asked for a better person in my life. I just wish love could have saved him. I hope that I get to see Sean soon; hear from him even in signs or dreams. It's been hard without him. I hope he hears me and sees what I write; he always used to check up on me, reading my blogs. He was the only one who knew about them. Love you Seany; please visit me soon  

I shouldn't have to say goodbye. Knowing you were 20 feet from me today is heartbreaking, seeing how many people truly loved you and wanted the best for you is heartbreaking. Why did you leave me? Leave us? I know you didn't want this; you couldn't have. This was a mistake, something you didn't mean to do. I always saw the best in you; I always take the benefit of the doubt, because your such a genuine person. I'm so proud of the non judgmental person you became when you went away but I wish you could have came out stronger. You always made fun of me for believing everything happens for a reason but I honestly believe god knew you couldn't live in this world without me; and there wasn't enough room in this world for the both of us. But little does he know; this is the single most hardest thing I have had to go through. Half of me is missing; half of me is dead. I can't live however many years without you in my life; I've had you for 10 years but I expected and hoped for 40 more. You know me better than I know myself and I know that what we had is unexplainable. It doesn't settle well with me; knowing I won't have my best friend, first love and crutch to lean on ever again. Please watch over us; I know you hear me; I know you hate yourself for putting us through this; I'm not mad at you seany, just devastated that il never have another conversation or hug from you again. Please wait for me; open the doors for me when it's my time to go. I belong wherever you are. You and I both know that. I love you so much cutie. Il see you someday. Don't make me wait too long. 

None of this seems real. How can I be saying goodbye to you? How is this possible? When did things get this bad? I wish so many things weren't left unsaid. I wish a lot of things were different. I know I understood Sean; but I never understood what he went through everyday with his addiction and I never knew or could understand, why he ever chose to start drugs. Sean's life was so fun, so loving and he has a fantastic family who spoiled and loved Sean more than words could express. Il never forget the memories and secrets me and Sean shared or the love we had for one another. I never had anyone else need me as much as I needed them. I can't believe Sean left me, I can't believe he left us. When I look at his pictures it doesn't seem real than tomorrow I will be looking at Sean, empty. It hasn't hit me that I will never be able to look at him or hug him or touch him again. It hasn't hit me that il never have another conversation or have someone rub my feet or watch countless amounts of tv with. It hasn't hit me that il be looking at Sean but he won't be looking back at me. I'm not prepared for this; I wasn't prepared for this. I can't do this. I can't wrap my head around why this had to happen. I can't move forward in life knowing Sean won't be around to see it or be here with me. Wait for me up there seany and make sure god lets me in to see you. I love you cutie.