after hours of watching gossip girl and forcing myself to shut my laptop, i lay in silence talking to myself; just in my head of things and thoughts that i should be writing here so when i go to open my laptop back up; all my thoughts are gone. ive been thinking of trying to get some therapy sessions in sense ive finished school. i think after all this time it is finally time to stop running away from everything i have pushed to the side and actually confront all the issues that i have ran from. i used to be good at hiding my emotions and i used to be good at running away; but i guess when i moved forward from the reign of sean, i did change my opinions of what my future relationships would look like. i didnt give up on dave, i held on for dear life in hopes of finding a cure and patching my life back up. the thing is; i dont think i honestly gave everything i ever had to someone before, i let dave into my whole world; letting go of friends, giving every single little detail of my life in order to keep myself afloat. but the truth is he isnt ready for a relationship; or maybe im wrong, but he isnt ready for one with me, at least not the relationship that i am ready for. i guess i grew up fast; flying through my youth because of my parents and my family. i cared to much about becoming someone that made me happy that i went through so many lifestyles and changes so quickly. ive always known one thing for sure; that all i want out of life is to be happy. ive strived for too long, too desperately to be someone worth someone elses time, when in reality; that doesnt exist. ive been let down time and time again by people that i put too much faith into and its time that i pick myself up again and work towards being happy and loving myself again. because just like sean told me so many years ago; " i love myself, through loving other people because its what makes me happy" i refuse to do nothing less than prove him wrong. every hurting thing he has said to me, i have taken to heart because no one has gotten under my skin the way he has. but if it wasnt for him; i wouldnt have grown into having this much strength this time. i would be be able to pick myself up or think that i could live without being scared. im greatful for all that i have but i am scared that it will all be ripped out from under me again. im used to that sort of thing.

All the things i should have said..

I had alot of things to say that i just kept to myself, to protect myself when i was broken again. this past year has been one of the hardest years i have ever been through. it took all of highschool to finally become someone i was proud to be, i had something to look forward to when i fell apart because i believed that i could always pick myself up. i have learned to always rely on myself for anything, this is why i have no friends that i can always count on to be there. i know how to take care of myself best, i am scared to let anyone close enough to understand me because i dont want to be taken advantage of, this is why i push people away. i would rather be alone because i never want to be let down; i dont want anyone to even have a chance to disappoint me. i am the way that i am because i fell in love when i was young and i had everything ripped out from under me, i thought that one day everything would be placed so nicely together like some type of fairy tale, when in reality there is no such thing. i have believed in so many things because i need hope that things will get better; but i guess its time to grow up a little more again. i am a bitch because i dont want people to think they can walk all over me or think that it is okay to be disrespectful but i honestly dont care too much if people dont like me. i dont regret alot of things that i have done or gone through bc it has made me who i am today; i truely do like who i am because i know that i have a big heart, i know that i care more about others than myself. 

dear david james,

         there is so much that ive had to say along with things i have felt that i have never said, but i think its time. time is closing in, you're leaving soon and that alone is something that i thought id be prepared for; but il never be okay with saying goodbye to you. even when you are here i cry myself to sleep every night, its been this way for more months than i can remember. i dont know what is going to happen with us as a whole or just as people in general but i just want you to be happy whether or not it is with someone else. i know that over the next two years or for however long you decide to be there for, i could lose you forever and those words are quite possibly the scariest words to choke out; but i know that being apart and breaking up is what is best for the both of us. this whole situation has taken so much out of me, so much time and effort, so many tears and emotions that i dont know if i will be able to pull myself together in the amount of time that id like. i know that i can be strong, but this and you and everything that has happened has destroyed me again. i went into this relationship as a different person, promising myself that id never give up on you or run away like i did everyone else. i remember one of the first conversations we ever had was about if we ever cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend; its just ironic how things turn out. i will never feel like i am enough for you, i will never trust you or trust that you ever loved me; it is just something that i cant get back. im not sure if time will help or not, i just ran out of options. i gave you so much time to be there; not even change, just be there and actually love me, however you couldnt do that because you didnt actually love me, you just loved the idea of how much i cared. i understand that guys grow up slower than girls, but its time for you to grow up; you know what its like to lose something so close to you; i just cant wrap my head around you being able to just take advantage of someone, anyone. you are so much better than your friends, and what kills me is you dont even see it long enough to believe it. it doesnt make you a loser to have a girlfriend, it doesnt make you miss out on anything being faithful to her so i just dont understand why you so desperately desire to be like them. i know that i am not always easy to get along with, i know that i dont do alot of things, but i honestly believe that within the next few years, no one will love you as much as i do, no one will ever care or be there as much as i want to be every step of the way towards your future. i dont know if i made you up in my head as something or if i actually thought that i knew you but maybe its just me that thought you changed because of that.maybe you have always been the same but i never wanted to see it. so i apologize for putting you on some sort of pedestal when i shouldnt have. you are my best friend and it has killed me not being able to just call or text you whenever something is wrong or whenever i have exciting news or i found something that i like, i love you so much that it hurts to let you go even when i know that you arent good for me anymore. i feel like in the last month an a half i have missed out on so much in not only your life but your families life, especially jordan. i know that i love you more than you have ever or will ever love me and i am so scared because that will never be okay with me. i dont know if you even know what you want or if you honestly do want to work towards maybe one day being together again, but i do know that i really hope that you do because i cant imagine getting or spending this much time getting close to anyone else again. i love you more than anything in this world and i miss you, i miss us. i miss laughing with you and having family dinners and sleeping next to you everynight, i miss waking up to you next to me. i miss being able to get through one night without thinking or worrying about going through your phone, or thinking to myself; what could there possibly be for him to do next that will hurt me. i miss showering together like it was normal. i miss just looking at you and you knowing what was going through my head.i just want to remember the good things that happened but right now i look at you and i dont even see the person that i fell in love with; i see the person who broke me time and time again. please believe me when i say that i want to be with you for better or for worse, i love you david and i dont think that i have ever been such a mess about losing someone who hasnt shown me much more than that im worth nothing to them. please enjoy yourself while your gone, make the best of whats around because time is going to fly by. il always be here for you, i will always love you and your family. they have taught me more about what family is than my own. you will always be welcome here, we are your family, we love you and my boys,i cant even begin to explain how much that hurts to have to hear them ask where you are and when theyre going to see you. be all you can be; make everyone proud because you know what your capable of; you just have to try. this isnt goodbye; its il see you later. 

forever. and always 

                         love, Shel

    

sddj

im not sure what to think or say for that matter. here; i am safe, from friends, exboyfriends, family and even myself. i always come back to this, constantly writing down my thoughts and feelings once things fall apart again. i said i was prepared to be unprepared but i cant say that i was ever surprised by this outcome. 6 years ago, i was heartbroken, and its taken me this long to forgive sean but i still forgave him; because i know that i need him in my life, he is the one person in this world who understands me more than anyone else, he is the one person who knows what im thinking and where im coming from or whats wrong before i even say a word. Sean is the love of my life and i will never forget that, no one will ever change that and sometimes i push it to the side because i am distracted but than there are those people who actually help you forget; unfortunately that person seemed to have let me down for the last year, but this time its different. im not heartbroken and destroyed; im tired and im sick to my stomach for being so stupid for this last year. im pissed off that i wasted my time, my energy and heart into something that doesnt even matter. i dont have friends, but i know that i have myself; and with a little help from my bestfriend, i can overcome this. no im not okay and no i am not fine; but i will be because i am a fighter, i am strong and no boy is going to destroy me.

I say and write a lot of things out of anger and happiness believe it or not. But I know that when I do get married it's going to be to my best friend. Because I don't have time for games and I only want one thing out of life. TRUE HAPPINESS.

I guess that its time for me to start talking in order to get my thoughts out the way that i want to. ive spent years trying to find "happiness" without knowing what that actually is. i have also spent the same amount of energy and time into finding "love" whatever that may be. being 15 and in love is one of the hardest things to go through because it ruins your whole depiction of love, relationships and guys in general. i finally got over sean and i began finding love and happiness in other activities and people. i began to live my life and put something together that i would be proud of. i have spent 6 years thinking the absolute worst of myself. thinking that i wasnt enough, that i wasnt pretty enough or skinny enough, tall enough, funny enough, smart enough; just not enough for anyone to truely love me. i have gone from one relationship to another trying to find this void in my head and heart hoping that someday, someone will come around to make me think otherwise. i thought i found that fifteen year old kind of love again; that made me forget that i was ever hurt before for a while. but the truth is; in the last 5 years i have found myself and grown into who i have always wanted to be and it has taken trial and error with many friends and boys to get to where i am. i am strong but i can be weak, i have a mind of my own and no one will ever run my life for me again, i am broken but this time i will fix myself. i will never back down to anyone; i wont change for someone who in the end has potential to not be worth it. i found happiness last year, i found someone who i loved and i thought loved me back. i gave him my all, i put everything that i could into our relationship to try to make it "perfect" and to make him happy. i dont want to sit here and play victim to all that has happened; the games that have been played or the lies that were told but my brutal honesty is safe here. i know what its like to be played and cheated on, i know all the signs. i have devoted most of my life to relationships and finding out everything that i need to get by in one. i know that i dont know everything but i find out eventually. i do my research, i study. i plan everything i say and do in advance to catch people in lies, places they arent supposed to be and things that they arent supposed to be doing or saying. i hold everything in until i know enough information to pull it out of people, so that when they lie; i know that they are lying. ive become the girlfriend who does anything and everything for my boy in order to be sure that when the relationship fails, it wont be because of something that i did. i give them my all; my heart, my time, mind and i listen and take everything in. i dont expect perfection, but i expect respect and i expect them to be true. i grew up from highschool, i grew up from sean and from reid; i finally got passed that and i dont plan on going back or living the way that i have been for the last year of this relationship. in the past i have always just given up; but with dave; i held on, in hopes that things would change like he said they would. but they never did, one thing after another and im still getting the same repetitive messages. when we broke up on new years, i said i needed time to collect my thoughts and get myself together, but the truth is that was just an excuse to buy some time; it was me procrastinating. we should have broke up a year ago; i didnt and dont need anymore time because i have myself together, my thoughts have always been the same. i will never be able to trust him again, i will never recover from this because i know that i deserve better. i refuse to settle and i refuse to be miserable; this isnt me, i havent been exactly happy in a long time. i shouldnt have to live the way that i have been, playing the game and tiring myself out, i deserve someone who will love me and who wont be afraid of everyone knowing it. im not a teenager anymore, im not in highschool and the last day has been the most peaceful i have had in such a long time. im not angry anymore, im not mad or upset; im just tired. im tired of bringing different guys into my families life expecially my boys and now savannah. what hurts me the most is how much cameron and dew are going to miss him and wonder where he is or why he wont come to play with them anymore; why dew cant come upstairs to wake him up in the mornings. im tired of explaining why they will never see him again. but what about me? what about my happiness and what about what i want for my future? were not on the same page and we never will be again. il always love you david james but love is not always enough.

This has left me speechless, another life has been taken far too early. With Alisha last year and Sean this year; I have truly had a rude awakening. Life can be too short and my thoughts and prayers are with his family as they go through this traumatic experience. It's times like this that really make me think; put me in a different perspective. It could have been anyone; it could have been any of us. Once again; being hurt and breaking up with Dave has me a slight mess. I can't really think straight or see things the way that I want to or should. I dont know what I want or what I should be doing. But seeing what kayleigh is going through with Sean being gone; that could be me. I could have lost Dave and i know that none of the stupid crap would be relevant. It wouldn't matter anymore so I'm scared that i am missing out on valuable time that I could be having with him. But I need to stay strong for myself; love myself and be happy on my own before I choose to focus on anyone or anything else again. I need to remember what it's like to be strong and be myself. It took me years to become who I wanted to be and within one split second he took that away from me; I became the high school version of myself who I hate; who has been dead for so long, and I will never forgive him for that. I shouldn't have to always be looking over my shoulder or feeling as though I'm not good enough or pretty enough, fun enough. I finally got over high school and I am not okay with going back again. I've back tracked and that's all I see that I've done this year with Dave. I don't deserve to feel the way that I do;
I love him. I always will: he is my best friend I just need someone who's proud of me being his girl who's not afraid to show me off or think of me when another girl is walking down the street or throwing herself at him. I need someone who's going to make me feel like I'm beautiful and makes me feel like I am enough. I'm tired of feeling this way and crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of pretending like I don't care anymore when inside i have fallen apart again.

Sometimes i feel completely alone, like no one really understands why i am the way that i am and why i feel or react the way that i do in different situations. ive grown alot, i can tell by all of my previous entries but somehow inside i feel like i am suffering by reading in the past. i wish that i could write something that was worth reading to somebody other than myself; i know that i am the only person that actually takes the time to reflect on who i used to be compared to who i have become. i have also realized that most of my posts have mentions of boyfriends or failure, mentions about ex's and how hurt i have been. it makes me sad to see that that is what it took for me to grow up,its sad to look back and have no memories of happiness or actual friends other than ex boyfriends and their families. my sister just got out of four winds, a facility where she thought that she would find peace within herself, i wish she really understood how much i understand what she is going through. she holds everything in, doesnt express her feelings to anyone but tries to help everyone else in the process, she has a boyfriend; one who she believes to be wonderful; someone that she truly believes she will marry one day and have kids and live a "great" life with. i guess i wasn't the only one who believed in fairy tales; i thought i was the crazy one back than. i still remember all of "our plans" almost every detail but they are unimportant now. and hopefully one day she will get through all of this. she needs to find herself and take care of herself before she tries to help any type of a relationship. i hate watching her live my old life, because before i started putting myself into consideration; i was a mess, miserable and i hated everything about life. i was there, i never had the "balls" to hurt myself or take my own life like some unfortunately do, but i know what she is going through. high school ruins girls especially at fifteen it ruins childhood and it ruins self esteems and confidence. graduating and being cheated on where the two best things that could have happened to me when i was young; having a first love was one of the best things that i could have went through, i find myself fortunate enough to have "recovered" from it enough to find myself and become who i am comfortable being.i just wish the same for Kaly because she is a strong, beautiful girl, who has let some boy and high school and pressure from within herself get the best of her. i hope that when she grows up and graduated, she wont look back at her past and think the way i do of mine.

I just want to hold on to being this way for as long as I possibly can. Im scared that everything will fall apart again. Everything has been so good almost like a whole new relationship but as it has been before I'm afraid of things changing because once everything seems okay, it's taken out from under me just as quickly.

i said that i was "finally prepared to be unprepared" a few months ago; but looking back on thesed previous entries ive realized that i will never be okay with whats ahead, i have this problem with imagining my relationships as some sort of fairytale. My relationship with sean was a fairytale without the fairytale ending and no relationship sense than has remotely come close; i guess i have this expectation in my head that makes me believe that i could have something like that again, when in reality i know that that chance wont come again. this month (february) takes alot out of me. im an emotional basket case and for the most part; i cover it up well but the nights are the hardest parts of each day. im not sure why but ive been thinking alot about sean; and how i have no one there for me anymore; it wasnt as bad when i had someone to talk to but now that there is no one left for me to trust in my life; ive crumbled. i used to make sense when i wrote everything down; i used to sound educated but now i see that everything i say is jumbled together in a mess of thoughts. the past year has been such a roller coaster that i rarely catch myself looking back and remember the good stuff thats happened along the way. i havent felt"normal" in what seems like months, i havent been "okay" in just as long. i hate feeling like this, and i hate randomly breaking down and crying, i hate second guessing myself and i hate remembering sean. i have a hard enough time in this relationship and getting through all the rough patches ive been dragged through. i cant live like i have been anymore; all this stuff isnt going away and i dont think that it ever will. i thought that after sean hurt me and after all the things that i went through with reid, i was finally over holding onto things, i thought that i was finally beginning to grow up and move forward from the grudges in my life. but the truth is, i will never move on from this, it will always eat at me and it will never go away. im so afraid that this will destroy me, i am so afraid of this being a waste of time and that i will lose all of whatever this relationship has become. i know that i think that this is so much more than it actually is, this is never going to be a fairy tale and i will never be okay with settling. i love dave, i love him so much that it hurts but i cant think straight, or believe in myself i have no faith in anyone and zero trust in anything that i am involved in.

Sometimes it's like it goes in through one ear and out of the other with a blink of an eye. Nothing I say seems to be heard and I'm finally breaking. I thought that a year of being together I would matter, I thought that Maybe just maybe my feelings and what I have to say would be counted for. I was wrong and it seems as though I always will be.

i dont know exactly what to say but i know that something needs to be said; i cant stay silent forever..within all this mess; ive found my strength again but i have also found my weakness. so much has happened and i know that its just gotten the best of me, to the point that i cant get passed it anymore. i never thought that i would be okay with the way that i had been treated in the past, but all of it has gone away. sean demerchant is just a name of my past now, i can now say that he is completely gone from my life; at first i wasnt okay with it and now and again, it still hurts my feelings that i no longer have him there when i need someone to listen and understand. but i know that we arent the same people that we used to be, ive grown up a lot in the last six years and its amazing to actually say that. my relationships have always pretty much reflected themselves; and i used to blame myself for that. ive changed everything that i could have imagined in order to become who i am today; i changed myself to make sure that a relationship would not fail because of me. yet still i find myself being hurt, manipulated and taken advantage of time and time again. i no longer know what else to do with myself in order to be happy. in all honesty; my life in the last week or two has went from good to bad to worse and i dont want anything to do with anyone; i just want to be by myself. not to collect my thoughts and emotions but to reflect on myself and take note on how far i have come and how strong i am when everything fails. i have finally come far enough where i not only know but i am sure that i dont need anyone else but myself when things go wrong; i finally noticed that i am fine on my own. i cant express how good it feels to finally be independent and "proud" of myself. i have never actually stood up for myself and stood up for what i want in life. i know what i can and cannot handle in a relationship and taking the steps that i have in the last 6 months, i have completely taken too much to deal with. i find myself a wreck and it goes unnoticed and it isnt okay with my anymore, i dont deserve what ive been put through. i love dave and there isnt anyone in the world right now that can change that or take it away from him nor i; but this relationship of ours isnt what it used to be and this pattern that we have found ourselves in, doesnt work for me. i dont want to be with anyone else and i would love to work out our issues and insecurities and i would love to just be in love and be in a relationship that actually works; but i have seen all of this before and it is very hard to believe in something that i have already seen fail and i have already been put through, so why would i ever subject myself to feeling the way that i did three years ago. i just dont have the energy anymore to work towards something that i dont have faith in anymore and what kind of person does it make me if i just keep giving in and letting him back into my life time after time. i am already pathetic enough i dont need to prove otherwise because all this relationship has taught me lately; is that nothing in my life will ever change, and that i will never find someone who actually makes me feel like i matter and that i am wanted and needed and that i am deserving of more than a lie and a joke. sean did enough to me and i dont need this for the rest of my life, and that is what seems to be happening. i guess this just leaves me at speechless again, i just can never find the right words to what i want to say.