after hours of watching gossip girl and forcing myself to shut my laptop, i lay in silence talking to myself; just in my head of things and thoughts that i should be writing here so when i go to open my laptop back up; all my thoughts are gone. ive been thinking of trying to get some therapy sessions in sense ive finished school. i think after all this time it is finally time to stop running away from everything i have pushed to the side and actually confront all the issues that i have ran from. i used to be good at hiding my emotions and i used to be good at running away; but i guess when i moved forward from the reign of sean, i did change my opinions of what my future relationships would look like. i didnt give up on dave, i held on for dear life in hopes of finding a cure and patching my life back up. the thing is; i dont think i honestly gave everything i ever had to someone before, i let dave into my whole world; letting go of friends, giving every single little detail of my life in order to keep myself afloat. but the truth is he isnt ready for a relationship; or maybe im wrong, but he isnt ready for one with me, at least not the relationship that i am ready for. i guess i grew up fast; flying through my youth because of my parents and my family. i cared to much about becoming someone that made me happy that i went through so many lifestyles and changes so quickly. ive always known one thing for sure; that all i want out of life is to be happy. ive strived for too long, too desperately to be someone worth someone elses time, when in reality; that doesnt exist. ive been let down time and time again by people that i put too much faith into and its time that i pick myself up again and work towards being happy and loving myself again. because just like sean told me so many years ago; " i love myself, through loving other people because its what makes me happy" i refuse to do nothing less than prove him wrong. every hurting thing he has said to me, i have taken to heart because no one has gotten under my skin the way he has. but if it wasnt for him; i wouldnt have grown into having this much strength this time. i would be be able to pick myself up or think that i could live without being scared. im greatful for all that i have but i am scared that it will all be ripped out from under me again. im used to that sort of thing.