All the things i should have said..

I had alot of things to say that i just kept to myself, to protect myself when i was broken again. this past year has been one of the hardest years i have ever been through. it took all of highschool to finally become someone i was proud to be, i had something to look forward to when i fell apart because i believed that i could always pick myself up. i have learned to always rely on myself for anything, this is why i have no friends that i can always count on to be there. i know how to take care of myself best, i am scared to let anyone close enough to understand me because i dont want to be taken advantage of, this is why i push people away. i would rather be alone because i never want to be let down; i dont want anyone to even have a chance to disappoint me. i am the way that i am because i fell in love when i was young and i had everything ripped out from under me, i thought that one day everything would be placed so nicely together like some type of fairy tale, when in reality there is no such thing. i have believed in so many things because i need hope that things will get better; but i guess its time to grow up a little more again. i am a bitch because i dont want people to think they can walk all over me or think that it is okay to be disrespectful but i honestly dont care too much if people dont like me. i dont regret alot of things that i have done or gone through bc it has made me who i am today; i truely do like who i am because i know that i have a big heart, i know that i care more about others than myself. 

dear david james,

         there is so much that ive had to say along with things i have felt that i have never said, but i think its time. time is closing in, you're leaving soon and that alone is something that i thought id be prepared for; but il never be okay with saying goodbye to you. even when you are here i cry myself to sleep every night, its been this way for more months than i can remember. i dont know what is going to happen with us as a whole or just as people in general but i just want you to be happy whether or not it is with someone else. i know that over the next two years or for however long you decide to be there for, i could lose you forever and those words are quite possibly the scariest words to choke out; but i know that being apart and breaking up is what is best for the both of us. this whole situation has taken so much out of me, so much time and effort, so many tears and emotions that i dont know if i will be able to pull myself together in the amount of time that id like. i know that i can be strong, but this and you and everything that has happened has destroyed me again. i went into this relationship as a different person, promising myself that id never give up on you or run away like i did everyone else. i remember one of the first conversations we ever had was about if we ever cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend; its just ironic how things turn out. i will never feel like i am enough for you, i will never trust you or trust that you ever loved me; it is just something that i cant get back. im not sure if time will help or not, i just ran out of options. i gave you so much time to be there; not even change, just be there and actually love me, however you couldnt do that because you didnt actually love me, you just loved the idea of how much i cared. i understand that guys grow up slower than girls, but its time for you to grow up; you know what its like to lose something so close to you; i just cant wrap my head around you being able to just take advantage of someone, anyone. you are so much better than your friends, and what kills me is you dont even see it long enough to believe it. it doesnt make you a loser to have a girlfriend, it doesnt make you miss out on anything being faithful to her so i just dont understand why you so desperately desire to be like them. i know that i am not always easy to get along with, i know that i dont do alot of things, but i honestly believe that within the next few years, no one will love you as much as i do, no one will ever care or be there as much as i want to be every step of the way towards your future. i dont know if i made you up in my head as something or if i actually thought that i knew you but maybe its just me that thought you changed because of that.maybe you have always been the same but i never wanted to see it. so i apologize for putting you on some sort of pedestal when i shouldnt have. you are my best friend and it has killed me not being able to just call or text you whenever something is wrong or whenever i have exciting news or i found something that i like, i love you so much that it hurts to let you go even when i know that you arent good for me anymore. i feel like in the last month an a half i have missed out on so much in not only your life but your families life, especially jordan. i know that i love you more than you have ever or will ever love me and i am so scared because that will never be okay with me. i dont know if you even know what you want or if you honestly do want to work towards maybe one day being together again, but i do know that i really hope that you do because i cant imagine getting or spending this much time getting close to anyone else again. i love you more than anything in this world and i miss you, i miss us. i miss laughing with you and having family dinners and sleeping next to you everynight, i miss waking up to you next to me. i miss being able to get through one night without thinking or worrying about going through your phone, or thinking to myself; what could there possibly be for him to do next that will hurt me. i miss showering together like it was normal. i miss just looking at you and you knowing what was going through my head.i just want to remember the good things that happened but right now i look at you and i dont even see the person that i fell in love with; i see the person who broke me time and time again. please believe me when i say that i want to be with you for better or for worse, i love you david and i dont think that i have ever been such a mess about losing someone who hasnt shown me much more than that im worth nothing to them. please enjoy yourself while your gone, make the best of whats around because time is going to fly by. il always be here for you, i will always love you and your family. they have taught me more about what family is than my own. you will always be welcome here, we are your family, we love you and my boys,i cant even begin to explain how much that hurts to have to hear them ask where you are and when theyre going to see you. be all you can be; make everyone proud because you know what your capable of; you just have to try. this isnt goodbye; its il see you later. 

forever. and always 

                         love, Shel