i said that i was "finally prepared to be unprepared" a few months ago; but looking back on thesed previous entries ive realized that i will never be okay with whats ahead, i have this problem with imagining my relationships as some sort of fairytale. My relationship with sean was a fairytale without the fairytale ending and no relationship sense than has remotely come close; i guess i have this expectation in my head that makes me believe that i could have something like that again, when in reality i know that that chance wont come again. this month (february) takes alot out of me. im an emotional basket case and for the most part; i cover it up well but the nights are the hardest parts of each day. im not sure why but ive been thinking alot about sean; and how i have no one there for me anymore; it wasnt as bad when i had someone to talk to but now that there is no one left for me to trust in my life; ive crumbled. i used to make sense when i wrote everything down; i used to sound educated but now i see that everything i say is jumbled together in a mess of thoughts. the past year has been such a roller coaster that i rarely catch myself looking back and remember the good stuff thats happened along the way. i havent felt"normal" in what seems like months, i havent been "okay" in just as long. i hate feeling like this, and i hate randomly breaking down and crying, i hate second guessing myself and i hate remembering sean. i have a hard enough time in this relationship and getting through all the rough patches ive been dragged through. i cant live like i have been anymore; all this stuff isnt going away and i dont think that it ever will. i thought that after sean hurt me and after all the things that i went through with reid, i was finally over holding onto things, i thought that i was finally beginning to grow up and move forward from the grudges in my life. but the truth is, i will never move on from this, it will always eat at me and it will never go away. im so afraid that this will destroy me, i am so afraid of this being a waste of time and that i will lose all of whatever this relationship has become. i know that i think that this is so much more than it actually is, this is never going to be a fairy tale and i will never be okay with settling. i love dave, i love him so much that it hurts but i cant think straight, or believe in myself i have no faith in anyone and zero trust in anything that i am involved in.

Sometimes it's like it goes in through one ear and out of the other with a blink of an eye. Nothing I say seems to be heard and I'm finally breaking. I thought that a year of being together I would matter, I thought that Maybe just maybe my feelings and what I have to say would be counted for. I was wrong and it seems as though I always will be.