i dont know exactly what to say but i know that something needs to be said; i cant stay silent forever..within all this mess; ive found my strength again but i have also found my weakness. so much has happened and i know that its just gotten the best of me, to the point that i cant get passed it anymore. i never thought that i would be okay with the way that i had been treated in the past, but all of it has gone away. sean demerchant is just a name of my past now, i can now say that he is completely gone from my life; at first i wasnt okay with it and now and again, it still hurts my feelings that i no longer have him there when i need someone to listen and understand. but i know that we arent the same people that we used to be, ive grown up a lot in the last six years and its amazing to actually say that. my relationships have always pretty much reflected themselves; and i used to blame myself for that. ive changed everything that i could have imagined in order to become who i am today; i changed myself to make sure that a relationship would not fail because of me. yet still i find myself being hurt, manipulated and taken advantage of time and time again. i no longer know what else to do with myself in order to be happy. in all honesty; my life in the last week or two has went from good to bad to worse and i dont want anything to do with anyone; i just want to be by myself. not to collect my thoughts and emotions but to reflect on myself and take note on how far i have come and how strong i am when everything fails. i have finally come far enough where i not only know but i am sure that i dont need anyone else but myself when things go wrong; i finally noticed that i am fine on my own. i cant express how good it feels to finally be independent and "proud" of myself. i have never actually stood up for myself and stood up for what i want in life. i know what i can and cannot handle in a relationship and taking the steps that i have in the last 6 months, i have completely taken too much to deal with. i find myself a wreck and it goes unnoticed and it isnt okay with my anymore, i dont deserve what ive been put through. i love dave and there isnt anyone in the world right now that can change that or take it away from him nor i; but this relationship of ours isnt what it used to be and this pattern that we have found ourselves in, doesnt work for me. i dont want to be with anyone else and i would love to work out our issues and insecurities and i would love to just be in love and be in a relationship that actually works; but i have seen all of this before and it is very hard to believe in something that i have already seen fail and i have already been put through, so why would i ever subject myself to feeling the way that i did three years ago. i just dont have the energy anymore to work towards something that i dont have faith in anymore and what kind of person does it make me if i just keep giving in and letting him back into my life time after time. i am already pathetic enough i dont need to prove otherwise because all this relationship has taught me lately; is that nothing in my life will ever change, and that i will never find someone who actually makes me feel like i matter and that i am wanted and needed and that i am deserving of more than a lie and a joke. sean did enough to me and i dont need this for the rest of my life, and that is what seems to be happening. i guess this just leaves me at speechless again, i just can never find the right words to what i want to say.