I guess that its time for me to start talking in order to get my thoughts out the way that i want to. ive spent years trying to find "happiness" without knowing what that actually is. i have also spent the same amount of energy and time into finding "love" whatever that may be. being 15 and in love is one of the hardest things to go through because it ruins your whole depiction of love, relationships and guys in general. i finally got over sean and i began finding love and happiness in other activities and people. i began to live my life and put something together that i would be proud of. i have spent 6 years thinking the absolute worst of myself. thinking that i wasnt enough, that i wasnt pretty enough or skinny enough, tall enough, funny enough, smart enough; just not enough for anyone to truely love me. i have gone from one relationship to another trying to find this void in my head and heart hoping that someday, someone will come around to make me think otherwise. i thought i found that fifteen year old kind of love again; that made me forget that i was ever hurt before for a while. but the truth is; in the last 5 years i have found myself and grown into who i have always wanted to be and it has taken trial and error with many friends and boys to get to where i am. i am strong but i can be weak, i have a mind of my own and no one will ever run my life for me again, i am broken but this time i will fix myself. i will never back down to anyone; i wont change for someone who in the end has potential to not be worth it. i found happiness last year, i found someone who i loved and i thought loved me back. i gave him my all, i put everything that i could into our relationship to try to make it "perfect" and to make him happy. i dont want to sit here and play victim to all that has happened; the games that have been played or the lies that were told but my brutal honesty is safe here. i know what its like to be played and cheated on, i know all the signs. i have devoted most of my life to relationships and finding out everything that i need to get by in one. i know that i dont know everything but i find out eventually. i do my research, i study. i plan everything i say and do in advance to catch people in lies, places they arent supposed to be and things that they arent supposed to be doing or saying. i hold everything in until i know enough information to pull it out of people, so that when they lie; i know that they are lying. ive become the girlfriend who does anything and everything for my boy in order to be sure that when the relationship fails, it wont be because of something that i did. i give them my all; my heart, my time, mind and i listen and take everything in. i dont expect perfection, but i expect respect and i expect them to be true. i grew up from highschool, i grew up from sean and from reid; i finally got passed that and i dont plan on going back or living the way that i have been for the last year of this relationship. in the past i have always just given up; but with dave; i held on, in hopes that things would change like he said they would. but they never did, one thing after another and im still getting the same repetitive messages. when we broke up on new years, i said i needed time to collect my thoughts and get myself together, but the truth is that was just an excuse to buy some time; it was me procrastinating. we should have broke up a year ago; i didnt and dont need anymore time because i have myself together, my thoughts have always been the same. i will never be able to trust him again, i will never recover from this because i know that i deserve better. i refuse to settle and i refuse to be miserable; this isnt me, i havent been exactly happy in a long time. i shouldnt have to live the way that i have been, playing the game and tiring myself out, i deserve someone who will love me and who wont be afraid of everyone knowing it. im not a teenager anymore, im not in highschool and the last day has been the most peaceful i have had in such a long time. im not angry anymore, im not mad or upset; im just tired. im tired of bringing different guys into my families life expecially my boys and now savannah. what hurts me the most is how much cameron and dew are going to miss him and wonder where he is or why he wont come to play with them anymore; why dew cant come upstairs to wake him up in the mornings. im tired of explaining why they will never see him again. but what about me? what about my happiness and what about what i want for my future? were not on the same page and we never will be again. il always love you david james but love is not always enough.