Sometimes I realize that I put you on a pedestal. And I am sorry for that; you make me perfect, us together ; fighting or not is perfect and I don't really notice how much I depend on you . I'm proud to say that you are my boyfriend and I'm proud to say that I love you. Your beautiful inside and out and I have never really thought about it before but you're the second person that I have honestly loved in my life as a boyfriend, you complete me and I don't want to admit that further than here. Sometimes I think about showing you these entries to show you how much I love you, but I dont want to be vulnerable again, and although I am already; I dont want to publicize it. I'm scared to lose you and I'm scared to think about losing you, these last few days I have thought about it and how I would handle different situations: I would have to let you go if it is what you wanted, but I also never want to see the back of your head walking away from me like my daddy did almost ten years ago. I'd give anything to just be with you, even just for one minute out of a whole day. I love you more than anything.

David you make me smile on my darkest days, you seem to understand me more each day and I am at a loss of how this relationship happenedu. You make me so; so happy and I love you. My past doesn't mean as much anymore. But i guess it usually doesn't until I get hurt again.

I think I am different from everyone else, like there is absolutely no kne that is remotely alike me. I feel like I make fun people but I feel romorse for the moat part. Im hard to get along with and I'm a mess alot, I get into moods where I just want to be by myself and sometimes well most of the time I want to be alone. Im a self person and I'm not sure how I've gotten here. I miss my bestfriend well my not bestfriend sometimes but I'm glad that our "relationship" if you could even call it that; is where it's at. I'm hopeful that this will be the prop in the door for our friendship finally and someday the door will open back up again and we will be our bestfriend selves again. I'm afraid of my heart, and my relationship with David. I love him so much, more than anything and that scares me most bc I'm afraid that il get hurt again and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid I will have to pick myself up again and I will fail at it. I'm afraid of being let down and I'm afraid to love Again. I'm scared to let someone back in that much again and I dont know what il have if I ever do get hurt again or who will be there for me. I'm afraid that I won't have anyone all over again. I know that I have these things called friends but Mary and dave are the closest things to friends that I have Harbin years. David makes me forget about Sean and how bad I was hurt he makes me feel safe again and strong. I have not felt this much for another human being in 6 years and I don't know of I'm ready for it; but it's here.

where did your heart go missing

i dont have much to say lately but i want to keep this going for some odd reason, in hopes that i wont break down like i did before. i cant let someone take that much control out from under me, i no longer am going to be civil and nice; you know i dont like you so im just going to walk around like your not there, your dead to me. i have my bestfriend mary; whos had my back sense literally day one; who helps me more than she realizes and who has done more for me in these last short 4 months than my family. and i have David, for however long this relationship lasts i have found someone who is not only my boyfriend but is my bestfriend, whos aware of my mistakes and flaws. who im not afraid to be myself around. this relationship only scares me because im afraid of being vulnerable again; and im afraid that i will get too attached; more than i already am, and everything will be pulled out from under me. this is why i usually dont tell him why i love him as much as i do, this is why i hold back with things that i want to say or how i feel. im strong because i know i dont need people in my life, ive gotten this far with the absence of assistance from my mother, sean and past friends; i can continue forward and i will be leaving you behind. if you need me in the future you know il always be here, just a phone call away because as much as you arent a friend to me; i will always be your bestfriend.

meanwhile at work...

Im over thinking alot lately and its going to be the death of me. i dont know exactly what my problem is but, id o know that i need to keep it together. i have stayed strong this long; i just need to keep on. all i do it move forward, all im good at is covering up how i really feel to get passed what im scared of. i have somehow let alot of people, boys, mean alot to me. and im not sure why. i assume its for being hurt so much, that i look for the good in people and i can never seem to find the "perfect" one. its probably not a good idea but to settle myself, i am going to go through them, for some reason i know that im happy, but being happy doesnt always satisfy me.n sometimes seep thoughts and depression is what i need. i might even need to go over the ones who should have or did mean something to me and it never worked out that way:

Reid. i thought i could save you, i thought our relationship would have taught you something. unfortunatly you got shit on in the end. bes wished as you continue on, but i am no longer your friend.

Michael. My greatest apologies go out to you for the way that i treated you and how things ended up. i dont like the girl i ended up being. you know that you are a great person, just not for me, you can do whatever you set your mind towards, dont let your hurt set you back.

Travis. I think because i was so young when we met, i had this fantasy of who you were. Im glad you are, where your at because you deserve happiness. to me, out "relationship" if you could even call it that, was the excitement because we were never suppose to be around eachother. you kept me young and naive, you made me believe in fairytales.

Gregory, you just make me smile. you forve me to think for myself and i know that you truely care about me. work is going to be boring without you this next month but you deserve this trip. i remember the first time i met you, i was so scared to talk or even look at you, you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. Now its hard vecause of the awkward tention sometimes. I care about you; we just had some bad timeing, i blame myself for that; i have always had bad timeing. you mean alot to me; you make me strive to succeed and be smart. you help me without even knowing sometimes and i dont know how you do it.

David. Its times like this that i appreciate you the most.( i went to write your name and you texted me). when we met, we werent exactly friends, but i knew that there was just something about you that made me like you. il admit no one annoyed me or could annoy me as much as you had but i never didnt want you around. your so strong and i praise you for that over anything. your a good friend, one of my bests. its not your job to take care of me, but you always make time to see if i am okay. you were the only one there for me before, during and after my surgery; and you made sure that i was okay that night. i dont thikn you realize how much of a good person you are; and although i dont always say or show it; i appreciate you, i love you . and i want to completely trust you but we both know that that is close to impossible for anyone. im not sure if i have ever been this honest with anyone. i tell you almost everything, i need you to trust me. i dont know what to expect out of this relationship but i know that i need to be with you right now. i dont want to be with anyone else. i dont want to find a new bestfriend. im scared; im scared of loving you. im scared of being with you and being without you. im scared of what we are both capable of and what the future; even the short furture has in store. in scared of hurting, amd hurting you. im scared of the thought that one day you could wake up and finally realize its not me you want to waste your time or heart on. i know the feeling of different relationships. i know how to be or who to be with different situations; but for the second time in my life, all i have been is myself and were doing just fine. i hate fighting with you, but knowing why it hardly gets resolved makes me realise that we are both just as stubborn as the other. im not going to hurt you, i know of this for sure.. id almost rather be unhappy that hurt you.

Sean David Jr. now that i have finally gotten to you name. im speechless. just like i have been for days, weeks, months.i thought writting would help me finally make me think about what i want or need to say; but i am for once at a loss for words for you. i have kept moving forward; trying little by little letting go of you. but for the last six years, i have failed i know that i dont necessarily need you, but i want you in my life. i love you, regardless of who i am with, where i am or whats happened. my past with you has kept holding me back from letting anyone completely in my life. you know how i feel about you, you know how muc you mean to me. i could go on for days trying to explain myself to anyone and still nobody would undertand how i felt or what i felt for you. this time apart from you makes me realize that i dont know you anymore. but i keep holding onto who you used to be; that boy is mine and he always will be. although i am happy about habing my mew friends, they will never understand sean and shelby. and i dont want to explain that to anyone anymore. all i have wanted to do is move on from our relationship but in doing so, i notived how much you meant in my life, so i tried to be bestfriends with you with no string attached. it has worked lately but not aht you have finally moved forward, im afraid again. im afraid of losing you all over, of not being who you think of when love comes up. its not fair for me to be, act or things this way but thats why i keep to myself; for the sake of you, myself and my own embarassment. im honestly scared of what this means because its the first time youvelet someone other than myself truely care about you. i hope she will care for you half as much as i still do. overall, you deserve to be happy and who and i or who would i be to confuse you or try to change your mind. all i want is for you to find happiness, and when i see that you are; i will let you go, but until than your apart of me. and if you were to ask whether or not i am, you will always be apart of me, you have honestly created who i am today. and i think i just figured that out, i wouldnt be the way i am, be friends with who i am or react in situations the way that i do if it werent for you. like i have said so many times, you are my childhood; so i think thats why i keep you by my side majority of the time. besides my parents divorce and fights with my sister, i honestly have no recollection of my childhood. im so speechless and im not sure how its possible. i used to be able to write for hours, pages and pages of useless words wasting countless sheets of paper. i guess growing up is happening more rapidly lately. i have to learn to let go; i already know or believe we will never be together again, not unless its years from now.

I am literally forcing myself to talk about sean. when im reality i need a break from doing that. i have to get myseld together and focus on what i am doing. thiss weekend i lost track, letting previous friends and boyfriends get the best of me, i lost my control and now all i have to do is get it back. no jealousy will not get the best of me, it wont ruin my life and relationship; not this time. im scared that i willbe caught up again and just be let down again. i want to be ready to be unprepared but my past has and walys does get the best of me. my feelings for people who i believe to be important in my life get in my way, sometimes more often than need be.

Kevin. you always tell me to just have fun and not worry about anyhting, to not over think anything; to go with the flow. your rebellious attitude got me once, but nnot again. im glad that we got to have our talk, many things were keft unsaid and unsettles. your a great friend, you know how to make someone feel good about themselves. i know its difficult to open up about Miranda, but now we have a little but different of a insight of eachother. you called me strong and smart, i have never actually heard someone sa this to me, you deserve alot more than youve gotten; things will come around. youll find your trust and happiness again. you love her, dont take advantage of that; your only cheating yourself in the end.

davidjames

david, first i want to say how much you mean to me. you are so special and i dont know why but im left speechless when it comes to explaining exactly what i feel. im afraid to actually speak my mind, im afraid of being vulnerable again and losing my control. im afraid of openly letting someone completely inside again. you were there for me on my darkest day and you helped me out of that hole; i know ive said this time and time again, but i dont think you realize how appreciative i am of this, you dont know what it means to me to finally have someone actually care about me, its nice to move forward from sean mostly, it not your job to take care of me or to listen or to be there when i need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright but you stepped in when someone i confided in for years stepped out. i trust you more than i usually would, i love you more than im comfortable with. and im sorry that i am difficult to handle and at times, i get in horrible moods. im sorry that im not always civil and i shut down alot. im sorry that i dont talk about things that bother me majority of the time and that im not perfect. im probably not what you thought i would be, but i promise that i will always be honest with you and i will never betray you. i promise that i will always be here for you; regardless if were together or not. i promise that if you dont hurt me; at least more than i already have been i will always forgive you and i will always love you. i cant promise you that i wont live in the past, i cant promise you that i wont think about how much ive been through or promise that i wont punish you sometimes because of it, but i can say that i wont do it on purpose and i can say that i dont mean to do it. its not that i want to live in the past or that it means the world to me; its just sometimes i get caught up in being happy; being happy is vulnerablility to me and i fear that feeling. six years and i still havent fully recovered; as im sure you see. i can say that ive gotten alot better; and i have learned a lot in the last couple days, weeks even and especially months. i finally realize that i will be okay with letting go of that part of my life; once again i cant promise that this will be an easy process but its something that i now have to do. i hope you see how important this step is for me; and i hope you can accept it as it is, because i know how hard it is to be dragged down by the past let alone how hard it is to watch it happen. dave, you do not come second best behind anyone in my life. the only people above you are my nephews, sisters and daddy. my life isnt a joke anymore, i dont have time to fool around and be careless, you make me feel free and finally safe; i love you. and i hope that this will be enough.

i can no longer pretend that everything is alright; when everyone knows that i have been strong for long enough. i have been civil and respectful for long enough and now as of the last few days, im done. she is dead to me; and i dont want to draw attention to myself and sound immature, but when people surround themselves with my business and make my life the center of their own; i know that i have lost control. i dont care who i lose, what friends i will have at the end. she deserves to feel what i feel; anger. i didnt steal her boyfriend, i didnt steal her bestfriend. im passed feeling bad for this girl who once happend to be my bestfriend. i am finally moving forward from my past, and in the last two days its come to my attention that its going to be easier. i need to keep moving, and giving up my friendship with sean; as much as it may kill me, needs to happen. im afraid of being forgotten, im afraid of losing him completly and that may be selfish, but this is the only place that i can be honest without anyone knowing whats going on. i dont want anyone to know any of my business so i am going to rely on these for awhile. i understand that everybody needs someone in their life to talk to, but she happends to be davids and i have to be okay with that, but i do not want her knowing my business. i dont want to deal with her everyday, im tired of my name coming out of her mouth every single day, im tired of her being in my life and being apart of my relationship. it doesnt surprise me, the things she has been saying, it doesnt surprise me that she thinks that she has a chance at being in our lives. this wont last much longer, i wont have her be apart of my life anymore, i dont need all of this. sean having a girlfriend, hurts me; not because im jealous, not because i need him and not because i want him for myself. i think its because it hurts me to finally see him move forward, it hurts me to think that if it works out with them, what was wrong with me. it hurts me to think that he could love someone else; if he does. it hurts me to see that i am no longer number one in his life. when in fact; over all the boyfriends i have had, i havent felt what i felt for him ever, maybe its bc he was my first love and after i was hurt alot of those feelings were closed off. im afraid that i wont have him as a friend anymore bc im scared for my own life and i dont know how awkward it will be now that hes with someone else. im afraid that there will no longer be someone who cares about me as much as he does/did. im scared of forgetting what i felt the first time i fell in love and im afraid that i wont have someone who knows me more than anyone im scared that he wont be there when i need someone, when my worlds fallen completly apart. im afraid that i will never see him again and il never get to say goodbye.