just breathe

I woke up one day and it was as if everything had changed. My relationship was a mess, my head was so tired and I didnt know what direction to head in. Do I move forward and leave this relationship behind? or Do I stay and try to make it work? I have never been one to just give up and be comfortable about how I feel as a person afterwards. I am lucky to be with this man, I am lucky that someone loves me as much as Matthew does. Things are not perfect but my mind set being "I dont need this and that; this isnt enough" was wearing us both down. Mixed with Matt's insecurities, our relationship was at a serious breaking point. I live vicariously through Nicholas Sparks love stories, there is not a single part of me that doesnt wish the kind of love he can portray on myself. I know how happy I have been, and how sad losing that love and happiness has made me along the way. This loss does not mean that I have to suffer forever, this loss wasnt meant for me. This loss, was Sean's future's loss. I often forget that Sean wouldn't want this for me, deep down that above all else, he'd want me to be that happy again. I often forget; because I know that deep down I will never find another soulmate; and that alone is too depressing to let settle in my stomach. I plan to make the rest of this life as full as I can, learning as much as I can and loving more often than I can. Hoping that there is another life out there to take these lessons from and utilize. I pray that my mental health stays in the mind set that is becoming again instead of the one I grew into. I dont want to start over with someone new, I love Matthew and our life, I love being a team and learning this chapter of our lives together. I love watching the man he has potential to be grow. I could move forward and start over, but I honestly dont think anything would change. Id still be the same girl, depressed about the same things, holding back on my relationship and next chapters because I cant let go of the love and happiness that I once had. I need to stay positive, and learn to love this chapter; wherever it takes us.

11/30

I didnt need thanksgiving to be reminded to reflect on all the things I am thankful for because the truth is, everyday I reflect on how lucky I am to be who I am today and those who helped get me there. They say you are a reflection of how you were raised, but I don't see how that necessarily is true. I come from a good , strong family( on both sides) but I did not always make the best decisions for myself. I am thankful for all off the struggles I've endured, all of the love I've received and the true friendships I've found. I am thankful for the greatest love and loss that I've ever encountered in my life because without that, I wouldn't have started to make all these changes I continue to see in myself. I started to weed out all of the toxicity in my life, the friends , the boyfriend dragging me down. I went back to college, I started to put myself first because, who is going to be there when all else fails me? I started believing in family and putting that above friends and going out to bars. And now, I am focusing on graduating, starting a career for myself and my fitness. Not everything in my life is perfect but with the steps I've taken to refind myself, I am grateful to say I have the best friends supporting me along the way, keeping me positive and strong as ever. I'm grateful everyday to have these things and these people in my life. These last 2 and a half years have been far from easy and I've numerous times found myself ready to throw in the towel and give up. All the stress, the work and constant running around, the growing up has left me tired and worn out on most days. I sit back and look at the things I've gained and made better in my life since enduring all of those things- they've made it all worth it. I easy find myself broken down and back to the girl I once was; missing my bestfriend and soul mate. I constantly ask myself why I am still even here. What scares me most is, what's next? What is my next chapter, I'm stuck between graduating - something I started to make Sean proud and finish what he couldn't and a serious step in my relationship. I vowed to live out my life the way he would have wanted me, fearless of the "what ifs". I find myself forgetting that sometimes, to be "fearless". I am scared if I don't have school and work constantly keeping me busy I won't know what to do with myself; I may lose myself again. I won't have something to make Sean proud of me anymore and he won't watch over me any longer. His presence is much needed in my life. My existence exists because of him. I put so much on Sean for who I am, as a person, a girlfriend, I praise him daily for the strength and empowerment I have as a women. 

Some days are much harder than others. It's like I woke up one day and everything changed. I had everything right, a boyfriend, a family with our dogs and a life that most people could only imagine and hope for. But it's still not enough. Is that me being selfish? Or me being cautious? I know what I want out of life and it's so much more than I've had. I want to be with my best friend. Someone who picks me up when I'm down and knows my ins and outs. This person is no longer who I wake up next to. I find myself questioning whether or not I should speak up now, or wait. What if it's too late to speak up, when if things don't fix themselves or workout. I've been Known to fight and fight for my relationships until I can no longer do so; but how can I justify wasting time when I am so torn. I love my life and I love Matthew. But the bad days are too often and the good days are too spread out. I find myself conflicting who I am as a person and who he wants me to be- who he thinks I am. This is unfair to me, unfair for the life I know we both could have for ourselves. 

I know I'm a happy individual, I know what I bring to the table and I know the type of girlfriend I am and the relationship I strive to have; the one that I need and won't settle for less than. There are too many times where I find myself lost and confused if this is really it. 

Xo

I miss you more everyday it seems. Some days I forget that your gone just long enough to make myself believe it. I've said so many times I don't know what's next ? In life, at school, at work, with my relationship and with friends. Just all around, what's next? In the last 2 1/2 years I've changed myself back to the girl I used to be, strong, independent, who goes after her goals. I let nothing stand in the way of my future. These things are because of you; because I want to make you proud, keep you watching me. But with graduation coming up, I question what is next for me? I started this journey to better myself and finish something that you weren't able to do. I just want to live a life that you wouldn't tell me to keep reaching for, because you took advantage of yours. I keep striving for happiness because there is always something missing, I keep reaching for more because I know I've had it. You've shown me so much in our 10 years together and these last 2 1/2 apart than I would have let myself realize. I give you so much credit to who I am and who I keep becoming because it's the truth; I am who I am because I got to watch you, I got to be in love with you. So much love, such obsessive, real, innocent love. One that broke us both but also brought us back together. There is no love like ours Sean and I will never try to duplicate it. Truth is, I will never be that happy in this life again. I just hope that you keep watching and help guiding me every step of the way. I know that I couldn't do this without you. How do I become a mom without having my best friend by my side? How do I get married without you even being there at all? These are mile stones in my life that i couldn't picture doing with someone else before. To say I miss you is not nearly enough for the pain I feel daily from your absence in my everyday life. 

always and forever.

to say " I miss you" would be enough, it wouldnt do it justice. They say the good die young; but I'm not quite sure thats true, To me, and most of us who knew you, thought the world of you. To most of us who got to know the real Sean, we were the lucky ones. But those who got the Sean who was too cool, too high, too good for anyone I feel for you. It is no secret how important he is in my life, how much I appreciate him and how much credit I give him for the person I've become. There are days where I am so thankful for the opportunity to have known Sean at all and there are also days where I'm not sure I will ever see happiness again. I am still a work in progress, trying to get passed this everyday. I am beyond lucky to have fallen in love again and to be with someone who loves me back, who doesn't drag me through the bullshit and who tries to be as supportive as Matthew is. But I want so badly to be as in love and feel as in love and as passionate as i know that I have before and I dont want to settle for something less. So everyday yes, I miss Sean. and Yes, everyday I cry and think about what could have been, I think about where I'd be, who I would be and be with if he were still here. If I would have given up on helping him, or if it would have continued to bring us closer. I dwell on this past, because it was supposed to be my future, because it was always supposed to be my forever, I dwell because it mattered, and I cared. I dwell because Sean mattered and I dont want to ever forget that I am this woman, this humble girl, this caring, loving girlfriend because at 15 I fell in love for the first time, and it was the best and worst experience of my life. Everything about Sean and Shelby mattered, and it always will.

whats next?

My life wouldn't have meaning if I never went through what I have been through. I wouldn't be who I am if I never met Sean DeMerchant, not even close.

I am who I am because of one single human and some people find that so very hard to believe. some people think that i only say that because he is gone now. But the truth is, I am who I am because I spend the majority of my adolescence either trying to prove him wrong, or trying to impress him. I am humble because I chose to be invisible in highschool. I don't like to draw attention to myself, or ever have the spot light on me, i never have. I only wanted one person to see the real me and I have succeeded at that my whole life; Sean is truly the only person whose ever really known me, ever really gotten inside this mind of mine and learned how I think and how I process. I haven't had someone like that since. Sean knew how to get deep down inside and speak to my soul, whether it was to lift me up or break me down- I also haven't had someone able to play that role in my life since either. I remember almost every memory of mine with Sean, whether it was in passing or of us together, because they were all so special to me, Sean is the single person in my life who impacted me most. I am forever changed because of him. I am humble because I've watched something so beautiful and smart become something so ugly in a blink of an eye. I am so careful of who I trust and cling to because I know what a real friend is and I cherish my family more than I ever have because I watched his struggle so much with losing him. Before all of this, I was unsure of where me and Sean would end up because we had grown so far apart, his sickness drew us together again and I honestly held on for dear fricken life. I hated everything about him being away at Oswego, because as much as I  loved seeing him happy and how much he adjusted to changed and accepted different types of people, Sean wasn't "Seany" anymore, he was often just too cool, and it really upset me. I sometimes lost my best friend to a life that I couldn't accept and I definitely was not comfortable with. I wish that i visited more, I wish that we did a lot of things differently, every damn day, I wish that I could have saved Sean. But it brings me to today, I am a better person because of one person. I am me, because I was touched by the life of one single person. and it hurts me everyday that I can never see them again, it eats at me everyday that I cant move forward from losing my best friend. the "what ifs" and the resentment to myself. I really never know whats next.

I need to feel alive again. I need to be reminded of what happiness and love really feels like. I know that I have had it before in my life. I was given such a wonderful gift at such a young age, but I refuse to settle for something less than what I felt back then. I want a love so passionate and immature that it hurts to imagine being with someone else. I want to laugh so long that it hurts and be held to long and I fall asleep. These small gestures are things I've lost a hold of in my life. I need to be happy again, I know that I have some deep rooted depression and flaws that I need to work on, we all do. But I was not born to live and die. I don't want to float through life feeling bored and unhappy. I don't want feel like I missed out on life while trying to make something else work out. I understand relationships and friendships are give and take, but I have such high hopes for my own because I know how much passion and love and play I bring to the table. I know how in love and how happy I have been before, I know how happy I can be; I just want so badly to feel it again. I am desperate for Matthew to understand where I am coming from and for things to change so this life can be exactly where I want it and how good I know it can be. But he is so different, so monotone, mono-mood that I truly don't think he see's life or things the way that I do. I think that he does want to skate through life, under the radar and he would be satisfied. That is not what I want for myself, I need an adventure, excitement, stupid love and someone who brings positivity to my negativity. I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel misunderstood by the only person that I really have in my life and he doesn't make an effort to try and understand.

10

I am all in my feelings today as Cameron James turns 10. I'm not sure how 10 years has passed since he was born so quickly without me even realizing. I have missed so much these past few years, missed so many opportunities that I regret. I was blessed to have a nephew at 15, when my world seemed to crash down, I was blessed to have such a wonderful thing that I got to watch grow before my eyes everyday when I needed it. I was lucky that Jamie let me watch over Cameron because as much as she needed me, I needed him, that little boy saved me, saved my 15 year old depressed self. I am forever grateful that Sean got to meet Cameron, even if he doesn't remember. I am grateful to hold onto that memory forever, I am grateful to have been able to watch this crazy boy grow into the big brother that he is. I have become a greater person, a greater sister, aunt and potential Mother because of my nephews and nieces and I can never thank my siblings enough for giving me the best gift of their lives. I have had a wonderful 10 years as an aunt, loving six wonderful kids as my own, watching them become themselves, loving each other and myself. Admitting that I am ready for my own would be a lie, but who ever is ready, I am beyond scared to be a mom, I'm scared to be sad again, and to resent what "should or could be" I'm scared to hate myself for hating my life when I should love every second of the process. I would be such a great mother, especially with the bond I have with Kieran and Jacey, I know the potential that I have but I know the standard that I hold for thee father and sometimes I am afraid that it is unfair of me, only because I want more than I have ever had for myself. I still have the same fear inside that i had when i was 15 years old. I still hold all the same fear I always did, with my grandparents, my relationships, my self esteem, yet no one can see through me anymore. No one has the chemistry or relationship that we had. Id never replace you, id never try, but settling for less would be foolish. I know what i deserve and i know the kind of life and love that i deserve in return, I don't expect perfection all the time, I just wish that I forgot how to breathe sometimes, or got swept off my feet on certain days. I wish that I was reminded of how I felt at 15, not because I was with Sean, but because I was so in love, because I could get lost in the day with someone, and just lost in so much love with them, because I forgot about everything and nothing else mattered in the world, I want to remember what it felt like to be free and happy again. I just want to get back to that place in my life. I often believe that its me who needs help professionally, but then I think sometimes people just don't understand and are insensitive to the subject. Matt will never really understand as much as he says or wants to, I think a part of him will always be jealous and I never want to talk about Sean if that is the case. When it comes down to it, I need some time to myself again, to write and blog about my days, feelings and moments like I used to, try some self therapy and see where I am at after a while. I need a change.

Junior,

I'm still not sure how I have managed to move forward everyday without you here with me. I amaze myself with how strong I've really forces myself to be. I find myself wondering what life would be like if you were still here, knowing that I couldn't have saved or changed you and your destiny is probably the hardest pill to swallow. I am beyond happy with how my life has turned out, I have a beautiful life, a wonderful, loving boyfriend who I know loves me just as much as I love him in return and for that I am forever grateful. I have done nothing but changed my life since losing you, and pushed for a life that I knew you would want to see me have. But it still hurts knowing that you have to watch from so far away. You've managed to help mold my life and mold me into the woman I am since I was 14 years old, you continue to push me everyday to better myself and never become the depressed, low self worth girl that I used to be. You have given me so much life, it is very hard to explain how much you mean to me to someone, without taking away from Matt how much he means to me now. I hope that you never think I ever have forgotten how much love we have shared, or how important our story will always be to me. You will always be my soul mate, you will always be my Sean. I appreciate so much how understanding Matthew is of you and I hope that you picked him special for me because I really needed this one, you always know whats best for me.

love you forever. miss you always.

xoxo