I need to feel alive again. I need to be reminded of what happiness and love really feels like. I know that I have had it before in my life. I was given such a wonderful gift at such a young age, but I refuse to settle for something less than what I felt back then. I want a love so passionate and immature that it hurts to imagine being with someone else. I want to laugh so long that it hurts and be held to long and I fall asleep. These small gestures are things I've lost a hold of in my life. I need to be happy again, I know that I have some deep rooted depression and flaws that I need to work on, we all do. But I was not born to live and die. I don't want to float through life feeling bored and unhappy. I don't want feel like I missed out on life while trying to make something else work out. I understand relationships and friendships are give and take, but I have such high hopes for my own because I know how much passion and love and play I bring to the table. I know how in love and how happy I have been before, I know how happy I can be; I just want so badly to feel it again. I am desperate for Matthew to understand where I am coming from and for things to change so this life can be exactly where I want it and how good I know it can be. But he is so different, so monotone, mono-mood that I truly don't think he see's life or things the way that I do. I think that he does want to skate through life, under the radar and he would be satisfied. That is not what I want for myself, I need an adventure, excitement, stupid love and someone who brings positivity to my negativity. I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel misunderstood by the only person that I really have in my life and he doesn't make an effort to try and understand.