10

I am all in my feelings today as Cameron James turns 10. I'm not sure how 10 years has passed since he was born so quickly without me even realizing. I have missed so much these past few years, missed so many opportunities that I regret. I was blessed to have a nephew at 15, when my world seemed to crash down, I was blessed to have such a wonderful thing that I got to watch grow before my eyes everyday when I needed it. I was lucky that Jamie let me watch over Cameron because as much as she needed me, I needed him, that little boy saved me, saved my 15 year old depressed self. I am forever grateful that Sean got to meet Cameron, even if he doesn't remember. I am grateful to hold onto that memory forever, I am grateful to have been able to watch this crazy boy grow into the big brother that he is. I have become a greater person, a greater sister, aunt and potential Mother because of my nephews and nieces and I can never thank my siblings enough for giving me the best gift of their lives. I have had a wonderful 10 years as an aunt, loving six wonderful kids as my own, watching them become themselves, loving each other and myself. Admitting that I am ready for my own would be a lie, but who ever is ready, I am beyond scared to be a mom, I'm scared to be sad again, and to resent what "should or could be" I'm scared to hate myself for hating my life when I should love every second of the process. I would be such a great mother, especially with the bond I have with Kieran and Jacey, I know the potential that I have but I know the standard that I hold for thee father and sometimes I am afraid that it is unfair of me, only because I want more than I have ever had for myself. I still have the same fear inside that i had when i was 15 years old. I still hold all the same fear I always did, with my grandparents, my relationships, my self esteem, yet no one can see through me anymore. No one has the chemistry or relationship that we had. Id never replace you, id never try, but settling for less would be foolish. I know what i deserve and i know the kind of life and love that i deserve in return, I don't expect perfection all the time, I just wish that I forgot how to breathe sometimes, or got swept off my feet on certain days. I wish that I was reminded of how I felt at 15, not because I was with Sean, but because I was so in love, because I could get lost in the day with someone, and just lost in so much love with them, because I forgot about everything and nothing else mattered in the world, I want to remember what it felt like to be free and happy again. I just want to get back to that place in my life. I often believe that its me who needs help professionally, but then I think sometimes people just don't understand and are insensitive to the subject. Matt will never really understand as much as he says or wants to, I think a part of him will always be jealous and I never want to talk about Sean if that is the case. When it comes down to it, I need some time to myself again, to write and blog about my days, feelings and moments like I used to, try some self therapy and see where I am at after a while. I need a change.