just breathe

I woke up one day and it was as if everything had changed. My relationship was a mess, my head was so tired and I didnt know what direction to head in. Do I move forward and leave this relationship behind? or Do I stay and try to make it work? I have never been one to just give up and be comfortable about how I feel as a person afterwards. I am lucky to be with this man, I am lucky that someone loves me as much as Matthew does. Things are not perfect but my mind set being "I dont need this and that; this isnt enough" was wearing us both down. Mixed with Matt's insecurities, our relationship was at a serious breaking point. I live vicariously through Nicholas Sparks love stories, there is not a single part of me that doesnt wish the kind of love he can portray on myself. I know how happy I have been, and how sad losing that love and happiness has made me along the way. This loss does not mean that I have to suffer forever, this loss wasnt meant for me. This loss, was Sean's future's loss. I often forget that Sean wouldn't want this for me, deep down that above all else, he'd want me to be that happy again. I often forget; because I know that deep down I will never find another soulmate; and that alone is too depressing to let settle in my stomach. I plan to make the rest of this life as full as I can, learning as much as I can and loving more often than I can. Hoping that there is another life out there to take these lessons from and utilize. I pray that my mental health stays in the mind set that is becoming again instead of the one I grew into. I dont want to start over with someone new, I love Matthew and our life, I love being a team and learning this chapter of our lives together. I love watching the man he has potential to be grow. I could move forward and start over, but I honestly dont think anything would change. Id still be the same girl, depressed about the same things, holding back on my relationship and next chapters because I cant let go of the love and happiness that I once had. I need to stay positive, and learn to love this chapter; wherever it takes us.