I'm sick to my stomach and all I do is run. It's the only thing I'm good at other than crying. I'm broken again except this time, I'm strong.

Djk

I forgot what it was like to be in love. I forgot who I really was; because I havent been myself in 5 years. I know that I am happy and I know that I am put together again. I know that if or when this relationship fails, I will once again being a mess and i will once again have to pick up my own pieces. I am happy and I wish that Sean could see it. I wish that I could see him happy because that is ultimately why i let him go. I needed sanity and dignity, I needed to move forward and I wouldnt want it to have happened with anyone else. I never expected or thought in a million years that me and Dave would be together. but now, i cant imagine my life without him. Just like anyone else; i want him to be happy and no matter what role i play in his life, i wish him nothing but happiness because everyone deserves to be happy. i never get bored with him and there is not a day where i am just satisfied with him. He is perfect to me and he makes me smile on my worst days. we fight and our relationship isnt perfect but together we are strong and i think that deep down we know that if all else fails; we have eachother. David, if there is one thing that you get out of knowing me and being with me, i hope that it is that you deserve the best, you deserve to be loved and find love, you deserve success and happiness. and if there is one thing that you pull out of this relationship i hope that it is that i love you, and that you saved me. i hope that you know and believe that i want to be with you and only you. i hope that you see where my heart is and realize how far i have come from my past. i want to thank you for everything you have done for me. i can never thank you enough; i will always love you. forever david.

I am taken back when you talk to me. I don't Fully understand why but I realize that I'm still a mess from you. For the most part I have loved forward; but there are little things that make me see that I am still stick on the past. I am scared of this relationship: I'm afraid to get hurt, I sleep with my bear still: when David doesn't spend the night. My favorite necklace was a gift given by you: actually all my favorite jewelery are gifts from you ( i wish I still had them) there are days where you don't come to mind and then there are days where what your doing, if your home and how you are cross my mind. My past with you makes me appreciate Dave more than I usually would. I'm cautious of my surroundings but I am also reminded finally after 5 years what love really feels like. It scares me most of the time being unsure if I care for him more than he does me but that's the least of my worries. I know that Sean will always be carried around with me; at least for a long time, but I know that David carries bri aroun with him as well everyday; whether he wants to admit that or not, but who am I to be misunderstanding of that. This is the most realistic relationship I have had in5 years and I'm scares to ruin it or lose him. I'm scared that he will finally realize that he wants someone else or thT I am not good enough and on that day I will be destroyed just like I was with Sean. I will shut down just like I did before; I will lose a
Self control and worth again just like I always do. I will be a mess all over again. So here are my secrets and here is where they will stay so that I won't ever share. Here is my vulnerability and fears all laid out on the table again.

Ask me why I'm sad and il tell you forever. I domt think that I will ever move forward from where i have been, and I think it's because I have low esteem in myself. I think that I will suffer from that for the rest of my life. I will always be looking over my shoulder for the "signs" when I really should just move on. David I love you and I won't hurt you, I'm not leaving you unless you make me. I don't know how or where you found that being safe is important to me, bit I dont like it. I don't think you realize how much it means to me that I have found someone who somewhat replaces sean in my life. Not all the way but for the most part I'm free from Sean. And as I write this with your drunk ass in my arms I realize thAt this relationship, with you; is the most important thing in my life, I never want to be without you, I need you. You make me safe.

These words are more important to me than I realize. Watching one tree hill reminds me of my past my present and my future. I know what I want; or at least I believe that I do. And that keeps me satisfied. I love you babe, but just like everyone else; you don't appreciate my blogs and my honest, so here I am again, writing about how much I love you, someplace you will never see with words you will never read. This was meant for me; why didn't i listen to myself?

I love you more than I thought that I could love another human being again. I can't handle how scared, emotional and my feelings all at once.

I know that I don't say how much I love you or how much you mean to me enough. I know I write it but these words are unread by anyone but me. I know that I shouldn't hide behind my blogs anymore but I enjoy the thrill of knowing that there's a place where my secrets and feelings are kept quiet. I don't think about my future much; I'd rather live day to day but I want you in this future of mine that is unknown. Idk where I'm going or how long it will take me to get there but I want to plan accordingly to you and your aspirations. You make me happy when no one else does and you make me mad when everyone else is happy around me. Were not the prefect couple but you make me forget and move forward. This relationship reminds me of what I thought I used to have; a bestfriend, reality, love, happiness and I couldn't ask for more. Sometimes were a step ahead when other times were two steps back but most of the time were in sync with each other. I love you and I believe in you and i know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. Your a fighter, your strong and I don't think you see that most of the time. I will always be here, whatever position I am in your life; il be here when you need me. As long as you let me, I'm staying. I'm not leaving you; I will not leave you. David you are my life now, and I will be your friend for as long as you need me to be.