Dear Sean,

I get to wake up to and fall asleep next to Matthew and know that I'm safe again. I'm in love with my bestfriend. The worst part is no one knows how truly important that feeling is to me except you. I am so incredibly happy to have been blessed with this person; you've sent such great things my way all just to make me happy. I will continue to live this life to make you proud and always keep my head up when my typical thoughts come into play. I miss you so much Sean and nothing will ever take that away. I miss my bestfriend and my soulmate; but you've given me a real second chance at love and keep pushing me to get this right. Matt gives me the faith that il feel the things I haven't felt in years for another person. You allow me to see a future and open my eyes to other opportunities without you. I get to tell my whole life to someone who wants to spend theirs with me, I get to wake up knowing he will come back later that day and knowing that I have someone to take life on with. I'm in love with someone who I like to call one of my best friends and I can't explain what I'm going through to anyone but you. I know you can see us and I know how much you love me bc if you were here, you'd just be jealous of the person and try to sneak your way back into my heart. I know how hard it must be to let go and push people towards me, give me a life that we couldn't spend together. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to watch me be this happy without you but please know that deep inside I'm still so hurt from your absence, I'm still broken without you. There are always going to be moments where I say to myself "I wish Sean were here, or I gotta call Sean" or just when I need advice or a huge bear hug from you. There are always going to be things I won't be able to talk about with anyone but you and things that no one will be able to get out of me that you would. But these babysteps have given me this life that I didn't see coming. I thought that I'd be with you, I thought I had it all planned out, all I wanted to do was see you and be with you again. I had too much to prove, too much life to make you proud with. You've given me so much in life over the last 10 years, taught me so much. I can honestly say I am who I am because of you junior. I'm finally happy with who I am and I'm happy with who I'm with and who I let go of. I'm happy that I still have the best bestfriend and angel always holding me up and having me back like you always did. Thank you for ever loving me and thank you for letting me fall in love again and letting someone love me like I deserve again. 

I'll see you soon than cutie. Xoxo 

I know I've repeated myself over and over lately. It's just sometimes I don't know what to write, I don't know how else to word what I want to say. I'm not the same person that I used to be. I've changed and sometimes I don't even see it. I don't expect someone to replace Sean actually I don't want someone to replace him because I want to be able to remember the sacred relationship that we had. I will never take the friendship we had away from either of us.  I don't care if people believe me or not, I truly believe Sean has sent people in my direction. I know he has pushed the strength to get through each day towards me. I know he's done nothing but look out for me since he left because he couldn't do it for me while he was alive. I know he sees what I went through over all these years; especially the last one with him and I know he's sorry. I don't ever want him to think he owes me a second chance at happiness becuase the truth is, he doesn't owe me anything.

If you were to have asked me last summer if I'd ever be happy again and move on from Sean's death I would have told you no and I would have said I wouldn't be here much longer. I wanted to go, I wanted to see Sean again bc this life isn't what it used to be without him. I had him along this whole way along side me or in the background pushing me to find someone better for me. I know how much he loved me and I know how highly he thought of me and how happy he wanted to make me. Sending guys in my direction or live and learn from is his way of doing that. I woke up one day and realized I wanted to live and I wanted to make him proud; live for him and make him a memory that would live on through me. I woke up and wanted everything to change and I did just that. I'm scared of what this relationship can do to me. I could be left broken apart again and have to start over but I can also be happy and start a life with Matt. I'm scared at how much I care and how much I love him because I've been screwed over before. I just don't want to be left heart broken again. I want a life and just want to make someone as happy as they make me. I want to live the way that I deserve and love someonw as much as I can. I want to be as happy as I once was and be loved as much as I know I can be loved my someone. I don't expect someone to replace Sean but I know I won't settle

For anything less than I've already had. I love you junior. I'll see you soon than. 

To the moon and more 

I can't believe it's been over a year without seeing you Sean. I pray everyday that I'll see you in my dreams or in people on the street again but I know you won't let me. I am forever great fun for this life you've given me. Because the truth is I owe you everything. You taught me how to love and than taught me how to love myself. You gave me this incredible strength that I never knew I had. Losing you has been the single worst thing that's happened in my life- it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through but God obviously had better plans for you. You are the one person who has single handedly pushed me through my whole life. Whether it be in spite of you or because of you- Ive grown into this person with the help of you. I miss you so much cutie. I miss my best friend and I miss the only person who actually saw me for who I was and still put me above on a pedestal. I missed the real you and I was so happy that you gave me the opportunity to see that side of you one last time before you left us. I'm lucky to have your family who always keeps me involved and who treats me like I'm apart of your family and says that you're apart of me. Sometimes it's hard to believe that becuase you never visit me- it's hard to believe you want to be here with me. But it's impossible that you're not when all of this stuff is happening to me. School, work, everyday good luck, Matthew just everything I know you've had apart in throwing all these things at me and I know it's just your way of making sure I am okay and that I get better and get over you. It's your way of making sure that I don't grieve and wait my whole life for someone who isn't and can't come back to me. You've given me a second chance at love - real love with a real person, someone who you think is good enough for me. I know you've thrown Matt in my direction as crazy as it sounds. I thank you for everything you've done for me- you put me first everyday to make sure that the rest of my life without you is the best it can be. I will see you again someday but don't make me wait forever for you to visit me. Thank you for giving me a chance at love again and making me see thy I can have a life and love and family and grow without you physically because there was a point where I didn't think I would. You are forever my soulmate and my forever best friend, you are the most important thing I've had this far to impact my life- everyone knows that but I will never be silent about you. I will never not talk about you or feel bad that I had a love before this one because your life deserved to be remembered, our life together as friends and a couple deserves to be remembered. I love you so much junior. Keep watching over me I hope you're proud of the woman I'm becoming and know that I am so appreciative of Matthew and the love you've let me give out again. Stay smiling my love. See you soon than. Xoxo