It's 11:11 il always wish for you junior 

Today was the first day I posted a picture of my tattoo for you. I've waited three weeks because I wanted nana and mom to see it first. Nana of course made me cry with her. I am so lucky to have this family Sean; thank you for being apart of my life. Pa came over today; he's not himself- he's really struggling and having a hard time with losing you. I can't say I blame him, only feel for him because he misses you so much. Nothing is the same without you anymore. Even on your bad days- your spirit alone brought us all happiness. There are things I will never understand, this is one of them. I was supposed to have you forever, I wasn't supposed to lose you. You were supposed to stick life out with me and terrorize me for the rest of my life. 

Somedays are better than others for myself and Dave. I never compared Dave to Sean or ever wanted him to take the place of Sean in any way. Before Sean died, I didn't know or plan for my future I didn't think about the rest of my life or who I was going to be with. Since I really got involved in Sean while he was sick I just wanted my Sean back and at times I got that boy back that I fell in love with; that we all knew and in those times I just took it in while I could. Dave and me have our problems, they're not going away and they're not getting any better. I feel like I'm settling in life by being with Dave, because I know In the back of my mind that it will never work out- I know we won't be forever. Now since seans been gone I realize I should have just helped out a little more and been there more; saved him more. I wish I never let him go on my birthday last year and I wish that I stayed with him after chilis instead of going out. I didn't know that was going to be the last time is ever see him. I lost my first love two months ago, I lost the person I was meant to spend my life with and everyday since then has been one obstacle over the next. I lost my very best friend to a disease that I never understood and I just keep hoping that everyday I live is one day closer to the day I get to finally see him again and start our second life making things right. Love you junior. Il see you soon than. 

I wish you were here Sean. I wish I knew my purpose in life because with you gone; I'm lost again. I thought I had it somewhat figured out. I feel like I'm wasting my time with Dave. Most days it's like I'm in this on my own and when I finally give up is when he starts to notice and care about losing me. I need consistency and I need love. No one ever loved me like you do. No one ever will. You've proven yourself to me time and time again I just wish you were still here so I can tell you it didn't go unnoticed and you always had a chance. I've loved you since I was 15 and il love you until the day that i die. No one will ever take the place your heart resides in mine. I need you junior. I can't wait to see you- make sure I go wherever you are. Love you so much. 

Losing Sean has been the single hardest thing I've ever gone through. Somedays (like today) I wake up forgetting that he's gone. On those days I pick up my phone to call him to tell him he was in my dream or see how his day was or how he slept. Realizing that he won't ever pick up my phone call again is the most unsettling thing. I will never understand why this had to happen. I will never understand why Sean ever chose to get involved with drugs or serious ones at that. I will never understand what went through his mind the day he decided that heroin can't be so bad. But I will never try to understand. Sean was anything but easy to understand; especially lately, he played by his own rules and chose his path exactly the way he wanted it to be. He had a good life and good opportunities that he could have used to his advantage for his future. Growing up Sean was quiet for the most part, with few friends and hockey. He wasn't very confident in himself and he was self conscious; when he went away to Oswego, Sean met different types of people and it changed him. He was less judgmental towards different people and he got into the fraternity which helped his self esteem. I was so happy for him for that. He is one of the smartest people I know, he always made me feel so stupid when it came to school work because it came so easy to him when I had to study and work hard for grades he didn't have to work for. I fell in love with Sean when I was 15 years old and our relationship for the last 7 years has been quite the ride. Sean was my everything when I was 15, we did everything together and I'm positive if he didn't cheat on me and things worked the way they were supposed to- he wouldn't have left, he wouldn't have gotten into this world and we would still be together or working on it to this day. I stopped being mad at Sean a long time ago because I began to realize that he helped me in the long run- I'm stronger now; I'm smarter. I was sad for a very long time; I was depressed all the rest of highschool. I blamed Sean for my relationship with Reid because I only started dating him to make Sean jealous and I of course got the shit end out of that. But of course Sean was there to help "body guard" me to and from classes after me and Reid broke up so I can't complain. I always knew sean loved me. I knew he cared; even when we weren't friends. We would find ways to talk or hangout. And when we fought; it was only so bad because we knew how to get on each others nerves so badly. That was just typical us; we would make digs at each other simply because no one else could do it better. No one could piss me off more than Sean could and he knew it- but I think it worked vise versa too. My best memories of Sean are kept in my head because he soon seemed to forget a lot of our memories and when id bring them up; he would only get mad. We could go without speaking for weeks or months even and the second I got a phone call it would pick right back up where it left off. The only time it took a little bit was when him and Sam were together. I was so happy Sean met someone who I hoped( but didn't know at the time) made him feel love again. I was happy that he was happy even if we couldn't speak or hangout for awhile. We were still pretty young back then but Sean still made an appoint to get ahold of me when he was back home for a weekend or something. It was like whenever he'd call I would instantly pick up that phone call or immediately listen to his voicemail and text him back- Sean always had a way of sneaking his way right back into my life like he never left- Sean knew he belonged in my life and I think he knew that I belonged in his too. 

I couldn't love something more than I love you. I hope to see you seen cutie. Forever <3