gowing up

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back."-lucas

im going to grow up. i am going to get my life on track. i am going to have someone be proud of me. im going to get things in order. i know how to take care of myself and i know right from wrong. ive got alot to deal with but i know that i can sort it out. ive been in over my head and i know that if i put my mind to it that i can do it on my own. i cant believe that i am back to these, i cant believe that i am this alone but i feel kind of better i kinda feel like even if im kidding myself i feel like sometimes i have things sorted out. i have to grow up i have to start and i dont think im gunna do a good job on my own. but im to stubborn to ask for help. thanks mommy.

f off.

some of us have potential, but i gave up a long time ago. i have really given up on my life and i shouldnt keep this up. i just want to take care of myself and i have to make myself succeed. i need everything to change and i dont think its going to, im meeting all these new people who are great and genuine and kind hearted and i have really surrounded myself with such great people. and i have been trying so hard to push out the bad but i am just getting distracted again, i have to let it all go, i need it all to stay in the past i dont need this i dont need to go through all of this again, i am too young, we all are to go through all of this and that means that i was deffinitely way to young to think the way that i did. i should love my life, and look around me and take everything in slowly but i dont except for those few moments. i need to get my life in order and its just not happening for me. i dont think that it is in the cards for me. all i am trying to do is take care of myself and i am just letting myself get distracted time and time again and i dont even know why i do it. i dont deserve it and i shoudl realize that but i know that i am not worth getting better. i watch all these movies and shows and i see happiness and i know that i could have that, that i should have that but i dont see it happening for me. ive grown up living like this and i shouldnt have. i should have so much more life than this, i should have more feelings for myself and care for my well being. im overrated and i know that i wont make it, but as long as i keep saying i am fine, it will be true; i believe myself, i have to make myself believe it.

3.16

i deserve so much more than this, it is so wrong to be so young and worry about this many things, life is just going to get prgressively harder and i can not keep up, i am worried that i will fail. i know that i will fail and i am just trying to keep my attitude high enough to get through the rest of this year. im not trying to impress anyone, i just want to get by i just want to take care of myself. i want my life back, i want some strength and some worthiness. i want to be proud of myself again. i want to be done with the past and just move forward but my heart isnt small enough to just let it all go and move on, leave everything and everyone behind. im too nice of a person with too big of a heart and i wish that it would be an asset rather than a disadvantage. i want to be alright again and believe that things are going to be okay again, i want everything to just work out the way it is supposed to and the bullshit to end. im done with this highschool drama and crap, i just want to begin my life on my own and take care of myself for once, worry about myself, and fend for myself. i really dont need anybody, i know that life is so much better with the good few surrounding me but i honestly will keep moving forward if they ever fall behind or get in my way. for once, im taking care of myself and nothing can get in my way. i am a mess and this is not an overnight thing, it takes time and i have a whole lifetime to fix myself, i will take my sweet ass time in doing so.

sissy<3

happiness: non existant. and to think that i was acctually worth it again, to think that i could do this again forever, i am just a joke and i should always remember that. that will always be my status and im done with being that girl, im sick of her. ive got to grow up and live in a reality, i have to do this on my own, i cant rely on anybody, i have to do this all by myself, fuck everyone else; i dont need your help.

march 9.

im just a child but its time to grow up. im over the highschool thing and im on to bigger things. its time to get my life on track, live it under my own standards; be the person that ive always wanted to be. strong. i know this will take time, its nothing overnight. i will accomplish this for myself, its about time i do something for myself all by myself. i dont need anybody, im better than i realise, im not past my prime yet.

you're lying

it wont change, it hasnt changed and it never will. why me, why am i taken as a joke and pushed around? why am i nothing to everyone, i just want everything to change and for everything to be okay again. i want my strength and hope back. i want to live like i should. this isnt a joke anymore, i wont be taken as a joke and thats the truth. fuck everyone, im not being taken advantage of again. think what you please, im going to be alright. il leave you all behind and never look back.

march 4

im going to get my strength. the one i have never had. i say this yet i am still at this but its not daily. i have more hate than the average person and this has to change. im not downsizing for anyone, and whoever falls behind will be left there and walked over. its not a joke anymore, this is how it has to be.