unknown.

"Our time was a long time ago, i fell in love with you. Maybe you've forgotten about it, maybe it didn't mean anything to you. But, I remember and it meant a lot to me... it still does."

truth. im not about to lie about my love for travis. he was, is and always will be my bestfriend. i never want to live without him. i cant believe that this past year i listened to my boyfriend and didnt talk to or hangout with travis. i miss him so much. i love him more than anything in the world. he is what keeps me going. sometimes i wish that i could just take this break from sean and see where the world takes me because whether i like it or not my life is nothing good at all. im not about to lie about it either. im not a happy person and i wont be for a long time. i want things to change i want to be happy i want things to make sense again and i want it sooner than later. travis is that one boy that i will always be weak for. he will always be that what if boy and frankly, i dont care that he is. he will be there when i need him and to be honest i need him right now. its actually his birthday today and i find myself crying because he isnt by my side. i love travis so much and sometimes i wonder what my life would consist of if i just let him have my heart and dropped sean. i wish that i didnt feel trapt with sean for all these things. i wish that i could be heartless for one last day like i used to be. i wish that i could have the things that i wanted again. i wish that things werent so diffucult to get. i wish it was all easy like it used to be. i want to see what i would do and who i would be without sean. i want to see how travis and me would be and how things would end up. i want to be trusted enough by myself to make the right decisions and not be hated for doing it. i wish that i would care enough about myself to make myself happy instead of caring what everyone else thought. i will be there for sean forever whether it is by his side or in his arms, i will be there for him whenever he needs me. but i cant take feeling the way i do and reliving everything that i have to everyday because of what he did. im done with being the stupid girl and im done with being looked at as the desperate girl that is hooked on her boyfriend and believes everything that he says and doesnt care what he does and believes every word that he promises her. i used to be happy i used to not care what people thought about me until now, and i hate it. i want this to be over i want to get things to and end and make over my life to something that i really want.

im sorry.

it doesnt even matter if this post is way diffrent than all the others. but i have lied more times this past week than ever. i have lied for my own fun and i dont even care sometimes. i do it because people in my life the ones who mean the most make my life so difficult. they take my life by the reins and run my life into the future. im done with not haveing control over what i do. im done with people chooseing what i can and cant do. im done with lying my way out of things just so i can do them. im done with hurting people because they cant handle the truth when they want to hear it. im done with not making my goals. all i had was one more day just to prove that i wasnt the person that i was before and i couldnt do it. i broke something that i cant take back because after it happend zak kissing me, i knew that in the morning i would still remember what happend even though he wouldnt because no matter how messed up i was that night, its something that couldnt slip my mind. i knew that at the moment where my lips were touched with someone elses that i wouldnt be able to take it back because even if it wasnt all my fault, i would blame myself because not only did i go to a party get drunk almost break my no drugs ever policy and go out with boys and kiss zak. for the one who controls my life i lied about the whole thing. mike picked us up from my house and went the party with alex. he brought us to alexs to sleepover when we were supposed to go out for ice cream. i have to lie to have fun and thats not something im down with. i want to be able to have fun and tell the truth to the people that i love. i want to rememeber being happy and i want to remember being the girl who can do what they want to make it through the day. i want my life back i want to know who i am and i want to get my story straight. im done with friends who cant keep their mouths shut and all the people in my school who cant kep their legs closed and their heads up. im done with hating everything and everyone. im sorry that i wasnt what you expected and im sorry that i mess up but most of all im sorry that i wasnt enough to make you happy and that il never be the person that you made me. that will never stay.

aretha franklin

"Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more." - Aretha Franklin

truth. i have only thought that i have learned from my past. i really have not. i just hide it away. i mean sure ive seen and learned what i have done is wrong and i have told myself not to do it but i dont think that i would be able to keep it up. its something that i dont confide myself in. i wish i could because i miss my bestfriend. i miss how he made me feel. i miss having him by my side and now caring who was looking. i miss the boy who taught me to be happy. i miss the boy who found the real me and didnt walk away. i miss the boy who taught me to see the world as something happy and as the best thing ive ever gone through. i miss the one who would stay on the phone with me for countless hours even though he had to be up early in the morning. i feel like ive lost him so much this year. i feel like he has been out of my life for so long and really its been just lately. he wont answer to me and he doesnt want to talk to me at all. i miss how much of a friend i used to have. i miss that i dont have the person that i could spill my heart out to completely. i miss that i dont have the only person that i trusted with my life. im a complete mess now and to be honest i dont really care about it. my heart is all over the place just trying to find its way and i am still where i am today because my heart deserves some breaking sometimes. you have to respect something in order to not hurt it and i dont care about myself so for my heart to be all over the place... i could honestly careless. plus when you prepare your heart for a downfall, its ready to lose respect for that person who made you fall. its just that easier to let them go when you lose your respect towards them. its makes it that easier to see them for who they really are and it makes it more easy to let them go without looking back and regretting what you did. if staying here is going to end up with me wasting my time then it will be my fault and i wont blame anyone but myself. i dont care about myself and i dont care that i hurt. some people just want to be sad all the time and me i really could careless what i am as long as i dont hate. i just want to learn from my mistakes and take in the moments when i mess up. i want to know that i can pick myself up when i fall and that i am capable of doing what i say i can. i want to be trusted to hangout with my bestfriend and not do anything wrong. i want to believe in myself that i can be strong and be confident again. im getting sick of this life time around that ive got going for me but im willing to change it if i really have to.