"Everybody in life is a chameleon." Melanie Chisholm
"Don't care how you look, it's just how you feel.” -spice girls.
I am gonna make some noise. I just think about me and the best that I can be. I can't live up to everybody's expectations but my own. Whitney Houston
I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow; if I fail, or if I succeed at least I did as I believe. Whitney Houston
“I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow if I fail, if I succeed at least I did as I believe.” whitney houston
Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more. Aretha Franklin
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
August 12, 2007
"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy. "
-Wayne Dyer
truth. im shelby and i have no idea who i am or what im about. i want to be worth someones time. but when people say it i just blow it off and dont believe them, maybe its because im not worth my own time. i look down apon myself and kick myself around because i dont believe in myself. i dont like myself, i never have and i probably never will. ive learned that i dont cope well with change and ive learned some specific things about myself. im not a person to judge others quickly and i give everyone a chance before i decide to talk badly about them or think against them. i believe that everyone deserves a second chance and if they need more they will have to work for it. ive learned that i can be smart and that i can be stupid. ive learned more about myself in the last two years that i have ever known. but ive also changed the most in the last two years as well so i keep contradicting what i know. im not one to talk about making mistakes because i have made my share of them. but i know that there are people out there who have it way worse than i do. i dont like telling people my business or letting them into my world not because im afraid they will judge me but simply because i dont want people to feel bad for me or want me to talk to them about it and let them try to understand it. i wish that i was worth my own time because maybe then i would understand myself and be a person that ive wanted to be all along. i want to meet myself. i want to own up to things that i tried to forget about. i want to say sorry to every person that ive ever hurt or done wrong to. i want to love the world again and not be afraid of it. i want to walk through the school with my head up and feet on the ground and my boyfriend in the palm of my hand and not care what people say about me once again. i want to look however i want and not care what they say. i want to be able to relax and smile and not have to worry about anything. i want to live up to what people expect when they see me walking passed them. i dont want to be misleading anymore. i want the world to change, but it doesnt seem to be changing quick enough so i guess il just have to change for it instead.
-Wayne Dyer
truth. im shelby and i have no idea who i am or what im about. i want to be worth someones time. but when people say it i just blow it off and dont believe them, maybe its because im not worth my own time. i look down apon myself and kick myself around because i dont believe in myself. i dont like myself, i never have and i probably never will. ive learned that i dont cope well with change and ive learned some specific things about myself. im not a person to judge others quickly and i give everyone a chance before i decide to talk badly about them or think against them. i believe that everyone deserves a second chance and if they need more they will have to work for it. ive learned that i can be smart and that i can be stupid. ive learned more about myself in the last two years that i have ever known. but ive also changed the most in the last two years as well so i keep contradicting what i know. im not one to talk about making mistakes because i have made my share of them. but i know that there are people out there who have it way worse than i do. i dont like telling people my business or letting them into my world not because im afraid they will judge me but simply because i dont want people to feel bad for me or want me to talk to them about it and let them try to understand it. i wish that i was worth my own time because maybe then i would understand myself and be a person that ive wanted to be all along. i want to meet myself. i want to own up to things that i tried to forget about. i want to say sorry to every person that ive ever hurt or done wrong to. i want to love the world again and not be afraid of it. i want to walk through the school with my head up and feet on the ground and my boyfriend in the palm of my hand and not care what people say about me once again. i want to look however i want and not care what they say. i want to be able to relax and smile and not have to worry about anything. i want to live up to what people expect when they see me walking passed them. i dont want to be misleading anymore. i want the world to change, but it doesnt seem to be changing quick enough so i guess il just have to change for it instead.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
move on.
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
-unknown
truth. i want to leave this place, this house i live in. these people that i deal with everyday. for the last six years ive wanted to move and ive even almost done it over 15 times. i hate the house that i grew up in sense all it is, is lies. my whole childhood was thrown out when my dad moved out. after i wasnt allowed to move with him, my life started its downfall. ever since that day that i watched him move all of his belongings into a uhaul, ive wanted him to open his car door and tell me to get in after we packed a uhaul for me to tag along. my dad is my world and the truth to anything ive said is that he is what i need, hes life for me. i still sit in my room every valentines day and every august 8th and look at pictures after pictures and write journal after journal. it seems to be the only thing that lives up to being worth my time. this summer i realised that its my turn to change my life around because that world and the people in it arent making any type of a posative impact on my life what so ever. my dad and his girlfriend are having problems again and he is staying with my sister. i guess laura attacked him and stratched him and dug him up and all this. this is the type of life that i used to obide by. that is the behavior that i tended to believe was okay and i found it amuzing. i want this year to be diffrent. im done with the people in my school. im done with who ive dealt with. i want to start over and be somebody who is worth their own time. i want to figure out who i am. i want to meet myself and understand why i like it that way. i want to be or become that person that was okay when the world was changing. i want to be stable. i dont want to have these random acts of sadness. i dont want people looking at me like i am stepped on. i dont want to be walked all over. i dont think that life is worth my time. im done trying to please people. im fed up with being told that i am happy. im done trying to act that its okay when im not at all okay. im done with faking a laugh and a smile when in fact its not for real. im done with living with the fact that i only believed that i was okay and that i was happy for a month. but in reality everything was a mess. i try to pick myself up to be presentable. i try to get an understandment with myself when i am sad. i try to take care of myself when i cant handle it all at once. its difficult for the world to get a comprimise from everyone here. people are stubborn and they arent willing to change. the people in my school are stuck up and all they look out for is themselves. they have their noses stuck to the ceilings and they dont have a open mind. i honestly cant name some person that i can not stand being next to or talking with, until now. ive never really hated anyone. ive always wanted to be everyones friend with the exceptions of the ones who betray others or the ones who are flat out mean. i want to have a negative free environment. and i want everyone to be clean and drug free. i want to much and i want to change myself to the extreme but in my heart i know i dont have a chance.
-unknown
truth. i want to leave this place, this house i live in. these people that i deal with everyday. for the last six years ive wanted to move and ive even almost done it over 15 times. i hate the house that i grew up in sense all it is, is lies. my whole childhood was thrown out when my dad moved out. after i wasnt allowed to move with him, my life started its downfall. ever since that day that i watched him move all of his belongings into a uhaul, ive wanted him to open his car door and tell me to get in after we packed a uhaul for me to tag along. my dad is my world and the truth to anything ive said is that he is what i need, hes life for me. i still sit in my room every valentines day and every august 8th and look at pictures after pictures and write journal after journal. it seems to be the only thing that lives up to being worth my time. this summer i realised that its my turn to change my life around because that world and the people in it arent making any type of a posative impact on my life what so ever. my dad and his girlfriend are having problems again and he is staying with my sister. i guess laura attacked him and stratched him and dug him up and all this. this is the type of life that i used to obide by. that is the behavior that i tended to believe was okay and i found it amuzing. i want this year to be diffrent. im done with the people in my school. im done with who ive dealt with. i want to start over and be somebody who is worth their own time. i want to figure out who i am. i want to meet myself and understand why i like it that way. i want to be or become that person that was okay when the world was changing. i want to be stable. i dont want to have these random acts of sadness. i dont want people looking at me like i am stepped on. i dont want to be walked all over. i dont think that life is worth my time. im done trying to please people. im fed up with being told that i am happy. im done trying to act that its okay when im not at all okay. im done with faking a laugh and a smile when in fact its not for real. im done with living with the fact that i only believed that i was okay and that i was happy for a month. but in reality everything was a mess. i try to pick myself up to be presentable. i try to get an understandment with myself when i am sad. i try to take care of myself when i cant handle it all at once. its difficult for the world to get a comprimise from everyone here. people are stubborn and they arent willing to change. the people in my school are stuck up and all they look out for is themselves. they have their noses stuck to the ceilings and they dont have a open mind. i honestly cant name some person that i can not stand being next to or talking with, until now. ive never really hated anyone. ive always wanted to be everyones friend with the exceptions of the ones who betray others or the ones who are flat out mean. i want to have a negative free environment. and i want everyone to be clean and drug free. i want to much and i want to change myself to the extreme but in my heart i know i dont have a chance.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
bff residence
"Life is short, live it." - Kathy Lumpkins
truth. my best friends mom said that to us today at the beach and to god honest truth is that shes right. i always say life int short enough but if i died tonight or even next month my life would have been horrible. ive had good times but i was the expirience of life that older people went through. i want to get to have to time to make mistakes and get upset and be hated and loved, i want to love and get married have kids graduste get into a good college, have something to look forward to when im older. i want to live life by the minute not ny the day. i want to have fun and not have to worry about what im going to do next. i want to love every choice i make in the end because it was all worth it. there are things that i wouldnt ever try doing but that doesnt stop me from doing the things that make me happy or make my life worth living on. ive learned that you can make mistakes but in the end everything will end up the way its supposed to happen. i believe everything happends for a reason, even if it takes a lifetime to find it out. ive learned that not everyone is worth your time but its worth giving them the time for you to figure it out or not. the world is dangerous and loud youve got to be cautios and attentive at all times. you have to have both feet on the ground and your head up eyes wide open. you will all make mistakes and you tend to find out that certian people love you for them. you are going to be worth someones time one day whether you believe them or not.one day your tears will dry up. one day you will want to cry and there wont be anything there. the world is a mess and you need to keep yourself a float. its rediculous how much the world and all the people in it try to mess it up and you think everything hates you. pray to god everynight. he watches over you so that you can pick yourself up when you fall. or the good people that your surround yourself with help pick up all your broken peaces and put them all back together. lifes not always great but live it like its going to be your last. its not worth being sad and holding grudges all throughout, you have your friends and you have you family thats really all you need.
truth. my best friends mom said that to us today at the beach and to god honest truth is that shes right. i always say life int short enough but if i died tonight or even next month my life would have been horrible. ive had good times but i was the expirience of life that older people went through. i want to get to have to time to make mistakes and get upset and be hated and loved, i want to love and get married have kids graduste get into a good college, have something to look forward to when im older. i want to live life by the minute not ny the day. i want to have fun and not have to worry about what im going to do next. i want to love every choice i make in the end because it was all worth it. there are things that i wouldnt ever try doing but that doesnt stop me from doing the things that make me happy or make my life worth living on. ive learned that you can make mistakes but in the end everything will end up the way its supposed to happen. i believe everything happends for a reason, even if it takes a lifetime to find it out. ive learned that not everyone is worth your time but its worth giving them the time for you to figure it out or not. the world is dangerous and loud youve got to be cautios and attentive at all times. you have to have both feet on the ground and your head up eyes wide open. you will all make mistakes and you tend to find out that certian people love you for them. you are going to be worth someones time one day whether you believe them or not.one day your tears will dry up. one day you will want to cry and there wont be anything there. the world is a mess and you need to keep yourself a float. its rediculous how much the world and all the people in it try to mess it up and you think everything hates you. pray to god everynight. he watches over you so that you can pick yourself up when you fall. or the good people that your surround yourself with help pick up all your broken peaces and put them all back together. lifes not always great but live it like its going to be your last. its not worth being sad and holding grudges all throughout, you have your friends and you have you family thats really all you need.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
jordan lilly
"Regret inNumbers: you guys brok eup right
xoShelKate: no
Regret inNumbers: WHATTTT
xoShelKate: i wishxoShelKate: i know
Regret inNumbers: WHAT THE FUCK
xoShelKate: i told you ive got to be the most stupidest girl in the world.
Regret inNumbers: tell him right now
Regret inNumbers: yo
Regret inNumbers: asshole
Regret inNumbers: you had SEX with someother girl after wed been dating 9 months
Regret inNumbers: i dont stand for cheaters
Regret inNumbers: peace up outta this relationship
xoShelKate: haha i really wish i could.
xoShelKate: but nine months with his kid has been way to long ive lost friendships and bestfriends i lost my life over the past year.
xoShelKate: i dont know anything more than himxoShelKate: its horrible.
xoShelKate: and hes all like i cant live without you shit. i try to kil myself bc of this and like all this stuff.
Regret inNumbers: he said that or you do
xoShelKate: he said that
Regret inNumbers: oh
Regret inNumbers: well im a guy
xoShelKate: he would kiss himseld.
Regret inNumbers: and i know guys will say anything patehtic enough to get back a girl
xoShelKate: haha i know.
Regret inNumbers: or to get one in the first place
Regret inNumbers: i know its hard to let go
Regret inNumbers: for innnnnnnstance
Regret inNumbers: i was/have been/am (depends on how i think about it) in love with onye for like a year almost. and like 3 weeks ago, i told her
Regret inNumbers: and she was like
Regret inNumbers: i have felt the same since we met
Regret inNumbers: but i dont want to persue things because it will fuck up our friendship
Regret inNumbers: and i was/am heartbroken and devestated
Regret inNumbers: cause we'd hook up a little bit and it would be like ugghhh fucking with my head.
xoShelKate: thats horrible. im sorry
Regret inNumbers: =/
Regret inNumbers: but like
Regret inNumbers: she was trying to protect our friendship by not persuing anything
Regret inNumbers: and now its completely fuckkkkedddd
Regret inNumbers: like we are hardly on speaking terms and we are really awkward and all this hit
Regret inNumbers: so it actually messed itup more to not persue it
Regret inNumbers: anyway
Regret inNumbers: im being forced to pull myself away from her
Regret inNumbers: and its hard
Regret inNumbers: like
Regret inNumbers: reallllly hardf
Regret inNumbers: buti know i have to
Regret inNumbers: and you gottaxoShelKate: see thats what sucks is letting go after thats the life you take on for so long and set your heart onto.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
xoShelKate: this past year ive became a totally diffrent person. sean has basiclly controlled everything i do. during school i didnt talk ot hangout with most of my friends i lost alex and jammella for a while and all my time was on him and his hockey games. and like he always said forever. i want to marry you i love you more than anything
Regret inNumbers: ughh
xoShelKate: and its like you get lost in the moments when guys talk to you like that and you forget that its just how they are because thats how every girl imagines their perfect boy. and i look at it now and hes like i love you more than anything and all i can think is its all a lie.
xoShelKate: everything hes ever told me was a lie.
Regret inNumbers: its fucked up i know what you mean
Regret inNumbers: because if im right about how i think you feel its like
Regret inNumbers: hes had so much control over you
Regret inNumbers: that you almost need his consent to tell him off
xoShelKate: basically. theres three things that are keeping me from breaking up with him
xoShelKate: 1) i know i cant stay away i know that if we were to break up i would be with him again in a month tops.
xoShelKate: 2) that means starting over from ten
xoShelKate: and three) he trys to kill himself every night. i wont let him get off the phone until he is asleep and i know it.
Regret inNumbers: if hes that messed up he needs help, like professional help
xoShelKate: i said i would be in his life forever. whether it was just to be there for whatever he needed,il be his friend but i dont know if i can handle going into my room and knowing that thats where i found out what he did. i dont like going in there becaue its like he took my room away from me.
xoShelKate: i know. and like youve seen my arm i have a heart on my hand to. its something thats noyt me at all. i dont cut myself it was like just something i said i would never do and i did it. but him he is serious.
xoShelKate: and like i get scared because he bails out on doing it because he cant let himself. i dont want him out of the world. i want him to be by my side no matter what.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
Regret inNumbers: its a fine line you walk
xoShelKate: really thoug.xoShelKate: its been the worst week and a half ever
xoShelKate: the only night i got out and didnt think about it was when we wnt to northern lights
Regret inNumbers: thats the magic of jordan lillly
xoShelKate: im sorry i just like blurted out my life on you.
Regret inNumbers: its totally cool
Regret inNumbers: i like to help people or at least give them someone to vent to
xoShelKate: its okay ifd you now think im a total crazy person ahah
xoShelKate: thanks
xoShelKate: and yeah it really is the jordad lilly magic :-)
Regret inNumbers: hahahaxoShelKate: ohh did you get the pictures?
Regret inNumbers: yes
xoShelKate: fagot asian
Regret inNumbers: im assuming that asian girl is the cunt
xoShelKate: yeah
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: AZNs
xoShelKate: i saw that first picture of her in the bathing suit while i was witjh my friend lisa
xoShelKate: and im like PLEASE tell me shes fatter than me. i will go anorexic if not
Regret inNumbers: haha
Regret inNumbers: no
Regret inNumbers: really
Regret inNumbers: your body is perfect
Regret inNumbers: :-P
Regret inNumbers: thats me drooling over it
Regret inNumbers: hahaha
xoShelKate: thanks <333
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: girls who are way skinny are gros
sxoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: im not kidding
xoShelKate: i was by the pool today and lisa was over again
xoShelKate: and i got out on the deck and i sucked in as much as i could because one of our frends breeanne does it and it was the grossest thing ive ever witnessed im not going to lie
Regret inNumbers: ew haha
Regret inNumbers: id rather see you naked than any azn ever
xoShelKate: haha
xoShelKate: i hate asian.
xoShelKate: offically
Regret inNumbers: hahaha yzz
xoShelKate: aha
Regret inNumbers: yo
xoShelKate: yo...
Regret inNumbers: these lyrics describe yur situation so well
Regret inNumbers: You reach for meSuch love for a traitorLike I amMy tears tonight prove I find I'm worthlessYou're all I am
xoShelKate: indeed they do."
truth. even friends i have just met are there for me. jordan lilly everybody. the best boy ive ever met. hes the greatest listener. and i love talking to him because he really does help, he brings himself into the problem and relates something he has gone though. im glad that ive learned to surround myself with people that are genuine and kind.
xoShelKate: no
Regret inNumbers: WHATTTT
xoShelKate: i wishxoShelKate: i know
Regret inNumbers: WHAT THE FUCK
xoShelKate: i told you ive got to be the most stupidest girl in the world.
Regret inNumbers: tell him right now
Regret inNumbers: yo
Regret inNumbers: asshole
Regret inNumbers: you had SEX with someother girl after wed been dating 9 months
Regret inNumbers: i dont stand for cheaters
Regret inNumbers: peace up outta this relationship
xoShelKate: haha i really wish i could.
xoShelKate: but nine months with his kid has been way to long ive lost friendships and bestfriends i lost my life over the past year.
xoShelKate: i dont know anything more than himxoShelKate: its horrible.
xoShelKate: and hes all like i cant live without you shit. i try to kil myself bc of this and like all this stuff.
Regret inNumbers: he said that or you do
xoShelKate: he said that
Regret inNumbers: oh
Regret inNumbers: well im a guy
xoShelKate: he would kiss himseld.
Regret inNumbers: and i know guys will say anything patehtic enough to get back a girl
xoShelKate: haha i know.
Regret inNumbers: or to get one in the first place
Regret inNumbers: i know its hard to let go
Regret inNumbers: for innnnnnnstance
Regret inNumbers: i was/have been/am (depends on how i think about it) in love with onye for like a year almost. and like 3 weeks ago, i told her
Regret inNumbers: and she was like
Regret inNumbers: i have felt the same since we met
Regret inNumbers: but i dont want to persue things because it will fuck up our friendship
Regret inNumbers: and i was/am heartbroken and devestated
Regret inNumbers: cause we'd hook up a little bit and it would be like ugghhh fucking with my head.
xoShelKate: thats horrible. im sorry
Regret inNumbers: =/
Regret inNumbers: but like
Regret inNumbers: she was trying to protect our friendship by not persuing anything
Regret inNumbers: and now its completely fuckkkkedddd
Regret inNumbers: like we are hardly on speaking terms and we are really awkward and all this hit
Regret inNumbers: so it actually messed itup more to not persue it
Regret inNumbers: anyway
Regret inNumbers: im being forced to pull myself away from her
Regret inNumbers: and its hard
Regret inNumbers: like
Regret inNumbers: reallllly hardf
Regret inNumbers: buti know i have to
Regret inNumbers: and you gottaxoShelKate: see thats what sucks is letting go after thats the life you take on for so long and set your heart onto.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
xoShelKate: this past year ive became a totally diffrent person. sean has basiclly controlled everything i do. during school i didnt talk ot hangout with most of my friends i lost alex and jammella for a while and all my time was on him and his hockey games. and like he always said forever. i want to marry you i love you more than anything
Regret inNumbers: ughh
xoShelKate: and its like you get lost in the moments when guys talk to you like that and you forget that its just how they are because thats how every girl imagines their perfect boy. and i look at it now and hes like i love you more than anything and all i can think is its all a lie.
xoShelKate: everything hes ever told me was a lie.
Regret inNumbers: its fucked up i know what you mean
Regret inNumbers: because if im right about how i think you feel its like
Regret inNumbers: hes had so much control over you
Regret inNumbers: that you almost need his consent to tell him off
xoShelKate: basically. theres three things that are keeping me from breaking up with him
xoShelKate: 1) i know i cant stay away i know that if we were to break up i would be with him again in a month tops.
xoShelKate: 2) that means starting over from ten
xoShelKate: and three) he trys to kill himself every night. i wont let him get off the phone until he is asleep and i know it.
Regret inNumbers: if hes that messed up he needs help, like professional help
xoShelKate: i said i would be in his life forever. whether it was just to be there for whatever he needed,il be his friend but i dont know if i can handle going into my room and knowing that thats where i found out what he did. i dont like going in there becaue its like he took my room away from me.
xoShelKate: i know. and like youve seen my arm i have a heart on my hand to. its something thats noyt me at all. i dont cut myself it was like just something i said i would never do and i did it. but him he is serious.
xoShelKate: and like i get scared because he bails out on doing it because he cant let himself. i dont want him out of the world. i want him to be by my side no matter what.
Regret inNumbers: yeah
Regret inNumbers: its a fine line you walk
xoShelKate: really thoug.xoShelKate: its been the worst week and a half ever
xoShelKate: the only night i got out and didnt think about it was when we wnt to northern lights
Regret inNumbers: thats the magic of jordan lillly
xoShelKate: im sorry i just like blurted out my life on you.
Regret inNumbers: its totally cool
Regret inNumbers: i like to help people or at least give them someone to vent to
xoShelKate: its okay ifd you now think im a total crazy person ahah
xoShelKate: thanks
xoShelKate: and yeah it really is the jordad lilly magic :-)
Regret inNumbers: hahahaxoShelKate: ohh did you get the pictures?
Regret inNumbers: yes
xoShelKate: fagot asian
Regret inNumbers: im assuming that asian girl is the cunt
xoShelKate: yeah
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: AZNs
xoShelKate: i saw that first picture of her in the bathing suit while i was witjh my friend lisa
xoShelKate: and im like PLEASE tell me shes fatter than me. i will go anorexic if not
Regret inNumbers: haha
Regret inNumbers: no
Regret inNumbers: really
Regret inNumbers: your body is perfect
Regret inNumbers: :-P
Regret inNumbers: thats me drooling over it
Regret inNumbers: hahaha
xoShelKate: thanks <333
xoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: girls who are way skinny are gros
sxoShelKate: haha
Regret inNumbers: im not kidding
xoShelKate: i was by the pool today and lisa was over again
xoShelKate: and i got out on the deck and i sucked in as much as i could because one of our frends breeanne does it and it was the grossest thing ive ever witnessed im not going to lie
Regret inNumbers: ew haha
Regret inNumbers: id rather see you naked than any azn ever
xoShelKate: haha
xoShelKate: i hate asian.
xoShelKate: offically
Regret inNumbers: hahaha yzz
xoShelKate: aha
Regret inNumbers: yo
xoShelKate: yo...
Regret inNumbers: these lyrics describe yur situation so well
Regret inNumbers: You reach for meSuch love for a traitorLike I amMy tears tonight prove I find I'm worthlessYou're all I am
xoShelKate: indeed they do."
truth. even friends i have just met are there for me. jordan lilly everybody. the best boy ive ever met. hes the greatest listener. and i love talking to him because he really does help, he brings himself into the problem and relates something he has gone though. im glad that ive learned to surround myself with people that are genuine and kind.
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