whats next?

My life wouldn't have meaning if I never went through what I have been through. I wouldn't be who I am if I never met Sean DeMerchant, not even close.

I am who I am because of one single human and some people find that so very hard to believe. some people think that i only say that because he is gone now. But the truth is, I am who I am because I spend the majority of my adolescence either trying to prove him wrong, or trying to impress him. I am humble because I chose to be invisible in highschool. I don't like to draw attention to myself, or ever have the spot light on me, i never have. I only wanted one person to see the real me and I have succeeded at that my whole life; Sean is truly the only person whose ever really known me, ever really gotten inside this mind of mine and learned how I think and how I process. I haven't had someone like that since. Sean knew how to get deep down inside and speak to my soul, whether it was to lift me up or break me down- I also haven't had someone able to play that role in my life since either. I remember almost every memory of mine with Sean, whether it was in passing or of us together, because they were all so special to me, Sean is the single person in my life who impacted me most. I am forever changed because of him. I am humble because I've watched something so beautiful and smart become something so ugly in a blink of an eye. I am so careful of who I trust and cling to because I know what a real friend is and I cherish my family more than I ever have because I watched his struggle so much with losing him. Before all of this, I was unsure of where me and Sean would end up because we had grown so far apart, his sickness drew us together again and I honestly held on for dear fricken life. I hated everything about him being away at Oswego, because as much as I  loved seeing him happy and how much he adjusted to changed and accepted different types of people, Sean wasn't "Seany" anymore, he was often just too cool, and it really upset me. I sometimes lost my best friend to a life that I couldn't accept and I definitely was not comfortable with. I wish that i visited more, I wish that we did a lot of things differently, every damn day, I wish that I could have saved Sean. But it brings me to today, I am a better person because of one person. I am me, because I was touched by the life of one single person. and it hurts me everyday that I can never see them again, it eats at me everyday that I cant move forward from losing my best friend. the "what ifs" and the resentment to myself. I really never know whats next.

I need to feel alive again. I need to be reminded of what happiness and love really feels like. I know that I have had it before in my life. I was given such a wonderful gift at such a young age, but I refuse to settle for something less than what I felt back then. I want a love so passionate and immature that it hurts to imagine being with someone else. I want to laugh so long that it hurts and be held to long and I fall asleep. These small gestures are things I've lost a hold of in my life. I need to be happy again, I know that I have some deep rooted depression and flaws that I need to work on, we all do. But I was not born to live and die. I don't want to float through life feeling bored and unhappy. I don't want feel like I missed out on life while trying to make something else work out. I understand relationships and friendships are give and take, but I have such high hopes for my own because I know how much passion and love and play I bring to the table. I know how in love and how happy I have been before, I know how happy I can be; I just want so badly to feel it again. I am desperate for Matthew to understand where I am coming from and for things to change so this life can be exactly where I want it and how good I know it can be. But he is so different, so monotone, mono-mood that I truly don't think he see's life or things the way that I do. I think that he does want to skate through life, under the radar and he would be satisfied. That is not what I want for myself, I need an adventure, excitement, stupid love and someone who brings positivity to my negativity. I feel like I'm suffocating and I feel misunderstood by the only person that I really have in my life and he doesn't make an effort to try and understand.

10

I am all in my feelings today as Cameron James turns 10. I'm not sure how 10 years has passed since he was born so quickly without me even realizing. I have missed so much these past few years, missed so many opportunities that I regret. I was blessed to have a nephew at 15, when my world seemed to crash down, I was blessed to have such a wonderful thing that I got to watch grow before my eyes everyday when I needed it. I was lucky that Jamie let me watch over Cameron because as much as she needed me, I needed him, that little boy saved me, saved my 15 year old depressed self. I am forever grateful that Sean got to meet Cameron, even if he doesn't remember. I am grateful to hold onto that memory forever, I am grateful to have been able to watch this crazy boy grow into the big brother that he is. I have become a greater person, a greater sister, aunt and potential Mother because of my nephews and nieces and I can never thank my siblings enough for giving me the best gift of their lives. I have had a wonderful 10 years as an aunt, loving six wonderful kids as my own, watching them become themselves, loving each other and myself. Admitting that I am ready for my own would be a lie, but who ever is ready, I am beyond scared to be a mom, I'm scared to be sad again, and to resent what "should or could be" I'm scared to hate myself for hating my life when I should love every second of the process. I would be such a great mother, especially with the bond I have with Kieran and Jacey, I know the potential that I have but I know the standard that I hold for thee father and sometimes I am afraid that it is unfair of me, only because I want more than I have ever had for myself. I still have the same fear inside that i had when i was 15 years old. I still hold all the same fear I always did, with my grandparents, my relationships, my self esteem, yet no one can see through me anymore. No one has the chemistry or relationship that we had. Id never replace you, id never try, but settling for less would be foolish. I know what i deserve and i know the kind of life and love that i deserve in return, I don't expect perfection all the time, I just wish that I forgot how to breathe sometimes, or got swept off my feet on certain days. I wish that I was reminded of how I felt at 15, not because I was with Sean, but because I was so in love, because I could get lost in the day with someone, and just lost in so much love with them, because I forgot about everything and nothing else mattered in the world, I want to remember what it felt like to be free and happy again. I just want to get back to that place in my life. I often believe that its me who needs help professionally, but then I think sometimes people just don't understand and are insensitive to the subject. Matt will never really understand as much as he says or wants to, I think a part of him will always be jealous and I never want to talk about Sean if that is the case. When it comes down to it, I need some time to myself again, to write and blog about my days, feelings and moments like I used to, try some self therapy and see where I am at after a while. I need a change.