It's hard to believe someone is real and actually cares for only you when all you've ever been is cheated out of relationships my whole life. I wanna believe this is real; I want to have faith but my mind gets the best of me. 

This past year I have grown into someone who I am actually proud of. I've never struggled with being ashamed of myself, or thinking that I was ever a bad person but I have issues just like everyone else. I never  knew who I was. I never knew who I'd become or who what I was meant to be. Sean has guided me this past year every step of the way into this life that I now call mine. I know that you have thrown things in my direction from wherever you are because i know that you want what is best for me. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for me, through life with you and this life without you. I can never be mad at you junior, you've given me the strength to get up everyday since i was 15 years old. whether it was to prove you wrong when i was mad at you, to get up and get my ass to school to see you, help you, chase you around town, run away with you or now, to make you proud and be the girl you always knew i could be. Lately, all ive been thinking about is my future and where i am going. I so desperately cannot wait to be a mom, not because i want something to call my own, but because i was so afraid to be one before and afraid that whoever the father could potentially be; could walk out at any moment. I know that i would be a great mom and an even better wife. I love the idea of having a family and I love that i am ready for one. I am in by no means in a rush to jump into it but the idea is more comforting to me now. I know that Sean wants me to be happy, the happiest I have ever been because I deep down know that he understands me more than anyone else ever has and understands how important life beyond him and I is now. When Sean passed away i prayed he would take me with him, i constantly found myself wanting to be by his side and seriously contemplated going the way he did just because i knew it would be the easiest way out. One day i woke up and everything was so different, i broke up with Dave and i knew that this was the real beginning of my life; i was finally set free to live a fresh start the way i wanted and deserved. I will never say that Dave is or was a bad person because the truth is- he was my best friend, for 4 years he was my side kick, the person who helped me through alot of days and when Sean got really sick; he was there as best as he could be when i needed him to be. however, when he died, i changed, everything changed and we needed to take our lives in the direction we wanted them to be and that happened to be in opposite ways. I dont hate Dave, i never could but he wasnt a good boyfriend for me and our relationship wasnt healthy anymore. I honestly wish him all the best that life can give him and it is in my hopes that he finds someone who will love him and give him all the happiness in the world. As for me, i've found all that i want in life. I have the support of my family, the best nieces and nephews in the world, i have Jill and my cousins who keep my life full of love and laughter, i have my mom and my sisters, i have school and work and everything that i have in my life I have worked for myself. I have the love of my grandparents, which is so strong and means so much to me. I have Matthew, who i never expected to walk into my life, who i never meant to hurt in the beginning. I am so happy that i made this "decision" - i know Sean sat up there watching the stress that i was under, not only laughing but making sure that I made that decision for myself not one to please anyone else other than me or with the guidance of him. I always pick love, i never give up on people; so how could i chose to start fresh with someone i barely even knew? I saw that Matt truely cared about me, i could see how hard he worked to keep me interested and even when i was honest with him- he didnt stop, he didnt just walk out on me. and sometimes i dont understand why he didnt, sometimes i dont know what his real intentions were- but it honestly doesnt matter anymore. I picked him because i needed to break my pattern in relationships, i chose Matt because i could see in him the way that he cared about me in two weeks, i couldnt imagine giving that up for the world. I am truly blessed to even have him in my life, to be apart of something that makes me as happy as he does. We have only know each other and been together for two months but sometimes it feels like so much longer. Not everything is perfect, and i dont expect it to be but everything is so different- we actually talk and i never feel like i have to hide anything or not argue or really say how i feel when i feel it. I think about all the places i have been and all the places i want to go and things that i want to do and i just want him there with me. i love how much he loves Coco; he is so good with her, she loves him and listens to him; its been hard to find someone who connects with her the way that i do, she loved David and i honestly didnt think that i would find someone who would accept us both as a package deal. i have never been one to talk about all the emotions and feelings that i have for boyfriends or anyone for that matter, i always just write it out and keep it to myself. I am so blessed to have this life and I am so excited and prepared to see where its going. being optimistic hasn't been my best way of handling life, but Sean has taught me this new life and I have never been happier to make him proud.

thank you for always being so positive for me Junior- i love you so much, I'll see you soon than

I somehow never think to write anymore. But I want to - it always helped me get through the worst days. I write because I don't like to forget how I felt or how angry, sad or happy I was and who was there. I've been blessed to have Matthew. I'm blessed that he stuck around and gave me a chance. I'm happy, I really am. I just want things to be better - I want to make someone happy, I want him to trust me and trust that I'm here for him. Whether he's just saying it or not; he doesn't get weirded out about Sean. I wish he knew or understood because I hope this ones it for me. I never cared if anyone understood Sean and Shelby because the truth is- no one ever will and no one ever did. But Sean lives inside of me and always will. His presence in my life is so important and speaking about him and remembering him is something I will never let myself fail at. I loved Sean with all of my being when I was 15 years old, I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. We loved eachother so much, more than I can honestly say for a lot of people. Sean was my person, my bestfriend, my soulmate and the absolute love of my life. I wanted everything with him and I will never forget that. But I know that I can be just as happy as I was at 15 again and I know Sean's been throwing opportunities my way since the day he left us. Sean will always be such an important role in my life and I wish I could see him more often. I've been living this life and doing this school and work thing for him to be someone he can be proud of, to make him happy and know that I appreciate the motivation he pushes me with. There will always be days where I miss him more than usual but I'm ready to be happy again and try life with Matt. I'm ready to start a future and hope this one works out better than the last. 

Il see you soon than... 

Sometimes I don't know how i got here. So motivated to be someone that you'd be proud of. I live for you Sean. I'm living my life the best way I know how at this point; trying not to make a wrong turn or decision because you no longer can. You've thrown so much positivity in my direction this past year and I cannot thank you enough for always keeping me afloat. I know that you are with me but u never want to forget you, I never want there to be a day where I don't think of you or miss you. I know you would want me to move on with my life and be happy; find a boy and start a life for myself- do all the things we talked about doing. I know you want all the happiness in the world for me- but you can't just leave me and think that it's best for me to forget about you. I truly think you control some of my thoughts or dreams somehow. I never see you anymore- NEVER in months. Too many months. All I want to do is be reminded you're actually still here. I miss your family- mom, nana and pa I haven't gone to see them since your anniversary. Life isn't the same without my best friend and I just don't think that feeling will ever go away. Please don't leave my side junior. I will forever need you and will forever need your memory to keep myself going. I'm doing all of this for you- to live a life you can't. Il see you soon than