This has left me speechless, another life has been taken far too early. With Alisha last year and Sean this year; I have truly had a rude awakening. Life can be too short and my thoughts and prayers are with his family as they go through this traumatic experience. It's times like this that really make me think; put me in a different perspective. It could have been anyone; it could have been any of us. Once again; being hurt and breaking up with Dave has me a slight mess. I can't really think straight or see things the way that I want to or should. I dont know what I want or what I should be doing. But seeing what kayleigh is going through with Sean being gone; that could be me. I could have lost Dave and i know that none of the stupid crap would be relevant. It wouldn't matter anymore so I'm scared that i am missing out on valuable time that I could be having with him. But I need to stay strong for myself; love myself and be happy on my own before I choose to focus on anyone or anything else again. I need to remember what it's like to be strong and be myself. It took me years to become who I wanted to be and within one split second he took that away from me; I became the high school version of myself who I hate; who has been dead for so long, and I will never forgive him for that. I shouldn't have to always be looking over my shoulder or feeling as though I'm not good enough or pretty enough, fun enough. I finally got over high school and I am not okay with going back again. I've back tracked and that's all I see that I've done this year with Dave. I don't deserve to feel the way that I do;
I love him. I always will: he is my best friend I just need someone who's proud of me being his girl who's not afraid to show me off or think of me when another girl is walking down the street or throwing herself at him. I need someone who's going to make me feel like I'm beautiful and makes me feel like I am enough. I'm tired of feeling this way and crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of pretending like I don't care anymore when inside i have fallen apart again.

Sometimes i feel completely alone, like no one really understands why i am the way that i am and why i feel or react the way that i do in different situations. ive grown alot, i can tell by all of my previous entries but somehow inside i feel like i am suffering by reading in the past. i wish that i could write something that was worth reading to somebody other than myself; i know that i am the only person that actually takes the time to reflect on who i used to be compared to who i have become. i have also realized that most of my posts have mentions of boyfriends or failure, mentions about ex's and how hurt i have been. it makes me sad to see that that is what it took for me to grow up,its sad to look back and have no memories of happiness or actual friends other than ex boyfriends and their families. my sister just got out of four winds, a facility where she thought that she would find peace within herself, i wish she really understood how much i understand what she is going through. she holds everything in, doesnt express her feelings to anyone but tries to help everyone else in the process, she has a boyfriend; one who she believes to be wonderful; someone that she truly believes she will marry one day and have kids and live a "great" life with. i guess i wasn't the only one who believed in fairy tales; i thought i was the crazy one back than. i still remember all of "our plans" almost every detail but they are unimportant now. and hopefully one day she will get through all of this. she needs to find herself and take care of herself before she tries to help any type of a relationship. i hate watching her live my old life, because before i started putting myself into consideration; i was a mess, miserable and i hated everything about life. i was there, i never had the "balls" to hurt myself or take my own life like some unfortunately do, but i know what she is going through. high school ruins girls especially at fifteen it ruins childhood and it ruins self esteems and confidence. graduating and being cheated on where the two best things that could have happened to me when i was young; having a first love was one of the best things that i could have went through, i find myself fortunate enough to have "recovered" from it enough to find myself and become who i am comfortable being.i just wish the same for Kaly because she is a strong, beautiful girl, who has let some boy and high school and pressure from within herself get the best of her. i hope that when she grows up and graduated, she wont look back at her past and think the way i do of mine.