Just for now...

I haven't texted Greg in almost a week; but he hasn't tried to reach out to me either. Things with Dave are always left unsaid but lately; I have seen a little more effort being put towards our relationship. But I won't get my hopes up because it's too early to tell if this will actually stick; there is always next week where things can look downward especially because everyone is home now. I will be seeing less and less of Dave and more and I don't know whether I plan on utilizing that time to catch up with people and work or of I'm be seeing a lot of my room this month. Things are subject to drastically change for the next three months and I know that if they do; I won't be able to keep myself together. So just like I Sao this is "just for now"

You don't know the first thing about love or a relationship. You have me broken, again and I literally have no idea what to do. I don't remember the last time we had a good night or the last time I went to bed without crying or without my stomach in knots. I feel like I'm losing you or that I've already lost you and your just holding onto this because you want to be strong enough to prove a point to her. Why do you have to pull my along for the rise; I'm not a toy im just a girl just a person who is pathetically in love with you. This is all something that you will never take note of or see without it being brought to your attention. I'm completely tired of what's behind and to be honest what's ahead of me. I've been pushed backwards yet again and it's something that I can't imagine happening. I'm not myself and that's something that doesn't settle well inside. All I have is myself; I push people away to distance myself because I have no other choice. I just want my thoughts to be to myself not only bc I don't trust anyone but because my words and thoughts and these stupid websites couldn't mean less to anyone else other than myself. I don't have anyone to talk to, not a single person. The closest person I have in mind is jimmy and I'm not even sure why.

Tupac

"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real. "-Tupac Shakur

I guess they're right, people never change; not unless they truly want to change themselves. This constant misunderstanding of who does what wrong and who we trust and what we don't like and vis versa will never end unless the games that are played "behind the scenes" are finished. I will never truly be okay; I feel like deep down I will never mature into who I really strive to become, and get passed what I have held onto for so long. This feeling that I cannot let go of will be the death of me. Everyday the thought of something being wrong with me eats at my stomach and mind; it has for the last 5 years and it takes a toll out of you after a while. I know that I am not the best looking or the nicest or even the smartest girl in the world. I know that I have a lot of flaws and I'm hard to get along with or please I know that I have an issue with letting people into my life to fully understand me and I understand that without trust there is nothing so i have learned to build up relationships based on anything but trust. I expect the worst out of relationships because I have never been given a reason not to; not even with this one.

I don't want to live in the past anymore I want to move on with my life so that is the sole reason as to why I gave up talking about it. I lost alot more than I gained when I was younger; something that most teenagers can relate to. But I have lived and relived my past more times than I can remember. I try my best to keep moving forward and forgetting about what has happens but I have clearly been unsuccessful in doing so.

I know that I don't catch everything because I can't always be on top of everything. But I shouldn't feel like I have to be. I find things out and I set people up to see if they will lie about it and usually they do; almost always they do. Most of the time about little stupid things but if they knew they werent doing something wrong they wouldn't be lying about it. I know how to tell when something is wrong or Jen something seems out of place and I have never been wrong before. I keep gregs message as a reminder that I have real friends who see more in me than what meets the eye. Not because I have "other options" or because I want to pursue that plan; there is a reason as to why were not on the same page, there's a reason as to why we never amounted to anything and why he isnt here. I never say never buy he is just not an option at this point in my life. But that doesn't mean he doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't mean he is someone who I want to stop talking to and lose a
Friendship. He is very good at beating and defusing an awkward situation so i know that if we were to stop talking again; it has potential to be okay when we start talking again; but that will not be because Dave makes me not talk to him. Someone who is as sketchy and sneaky and has done whatever yet still "does him" doesn't deserve to own that much of me. I will never let this go it will always eat away at me; because I'm not stupid I am not an idiot, I'm a person with feelings who just wants to get by. The baby bullshit has got to go and I don't see that happening any time soon.