I love you. Il always love you. I love you more than I'm comfortable with bc someday; soon or not I will be let down again. I will be hurt all over again. I sometimes believe in this relationship as more than it really is; I sometimes imagine and see this as more than I should because it's not very often I see you doing the same. I love you like some pathetic little girl; some child who has never been Hirt before and that scares me the most.

And sometimes I just think of better times: when I wanted to be around. I'm not sure whAt happened to tonight but my whole outlook in the outcome failed miserably. I wish I could explain how I felt or feel; but my feelings seem to diminish once they come. One day they will be gone; I'm just waiting, just like every other lose soul out there.

djklp

its 430 am and i have had all night to myself; to write anything and everything i have needed to say in the last few months that i havent gotten the chance to do. i thought by watching movies or a show or looking through pictures would help trigger something to push my motivation at writing but i was sadly mistaken. its that time of year again, which seems to be rough on us all; some more than others. i look back back and at a year ago and think of where i was, a year ago; i had just found out that i was pregnant; a year ago i had the worst depression of my life and a year ago is roughly around the time when i decided to get my life going. a year ago david helped me through what seemed to be the toughest time of my life, i had a new support system without even trying, i had a new bestfriend and a new love. i could sit here and write about the story of me and david; but the truth is; there isnt one. we go day by day; there isnt a plan for us, my relationship now doesnt mirror any other relationship i have ever been in other than the mistrust section. we have never just sat in bed ALL day watching movies and talking about ourselves and secrets and how much we love eachother or why we love each other. we have never just taken a day to have a serious talk. i have held in my feeling sense day one because of what has happened and because i dont believe that david deserves to hear it; im afraid of being vulnerable and taken advantage of, im afraid to scare him away with what i have to say. my life has changed dramatically over the last year and sometimes i dont even notice how much. if i didnt have david in my life i honestly dont know where i would be, he has helped me be stronger and helped me overcome obstacles that i never saw myself bring able to let go of. dave has helped me more than he will ever see or understand. i hope that this relationship can recover, i hope that i can recover. i wish us the best because i really do want true happiness not only for myself but for him as well; whether that be with me by his side or not. 020911

ps. happy 15th birthday baby jordan :)
for all the obsacles that will continue to be climbed, i hope to be there, to be strong enough to help your brother. i love you jordy; i love the smile that you put on my face without even saying a word, i love the happiness that you project on everyone, your one of a kind, you remind my of my dew dew and that makes me feel more close to you than i really am. you and your family are so strong and i envy you all. i wish all the best. have a great day<3

Not many people really understand this; which isnt hard to believe because I dont even understand it. Someways are easier than most nights but I need to find the time that I need to write and really write. I always have something else to do rather than write at the needed moments; whether it's that I have Dave over my shoulder or I just simply want to go to bed, I haven't really written in what seems to be forever. I've recently come to the terms that I will never fully recover because it is just not in the cards for me, I haven't been given the time to fix myself before jumping into something else which is something I can only blame myself for. I feel so alone sometimes, like nothing is right anymore but at the same tome I know that it's because I won't let anyone into this world thats inside my head. The closest I feel to somebody understanding me is Greg but il save that for another time; because if by some chance this gets read I want to get what I want to say about him right so that my words can not be misconstrued. Having my best friend be gone and out of my life sometimes hurts me, to know that the one person that once knew my whole life story, who knew what I was feeling and thinking before I noticed myself and who didn't put up with my bullshit; to know that they will no longer be around or that they no longer take the aniciative to "check in" makes me feel like my childhood no longer exists anymore. Sometimes I sit here in bed late at night and just wonder what could have been or what would have happened if I kept my feet on the ground, of Dave wasn't here, if I really just let him go. Sometimes I think that I should have; but majority of the time I know that I wouldn't have been able to comfortably stand my life without him. I don't go many days without thinking of what's happened or without remembering those days and reliving them. It eats at my stomach and mind everyday but I know that things could be worse; so much worse so all I can do it wait until it goes away and hopefully it doesn't take 5 years. I don't have that kind of time to waste on something so small.