093006. ... Big shit poplin little shit stopping. I care for you and yor success more than any other. Always will. Always & forever. Remember? Like we always said; beatfriends forever.

i know that i am nothing special, and sometimes hard to get along with. yet i always seem to pull through at being faithful and genuine and no matter what i always find the time to make sure you know that i love you. this isnt funny anymore; this thing we call our relationship; i cant sit around wondering what your thinking or what you honestly want. im tired of questioning my relationship with you; im not fifteen anymore, i want a relationship that means something, i want it to be real and to actually last. it seems like everytime i turn around, im taking a few steps backwards instead of taking any forward. i know that i talk to greg and i know that it upsets you; i know that me wanting to go visit him makes you think the worst possible situation. but i; unlike you am capable of spending time with a friend without crossing a line. i dont know where this will bring us if it were to happen but its time that you realize what its like to be fucked over and its time for you to think the worst, because everyday i wonder whats going to happen if i dont make it home in time, or whats going to happen when i work later than usual. im scared of you going home or going anywhere for more than 6 hours. im literally just afraid that i will get shit on again; i know it will happen im just waiting for it to come. i shouldnt live this way and choosing to do so is not okay with me anymore. we have never just sat down or laid in bed and talked for hours about why or how much we love eachother. to me thats not normal; ive always had someone to do that with. going out is nice i guess; you doing you and i do me, but sometimes its nice to know that you see me, its nice to think that i exist to you and you havent forgotten about me... again. im broken and i have been for months now, i act like i dont care because i refuse to let you into my world further than you already are, you dont deserve to hurt me more than you already have. im tired of being broken down, im tired of feeling worthless to you. im tired of thinking that i dont mean shit to you.

its weird how sometimes i just have the urge to write;sometimes about simple nothings and others about my whole life story. but i can never express how i really feel to the people closest to me; because those are the ones that always and i repeat always let you down and hurt you the worst. my life isnt horrible, not even close. it is also not even close to bad; its average when you think about it. i know that there are people who have it worse than me, may it be medically, physically or emotionally; i am okay. i look back on my life and sometimes i see that everything has changed; about me, my friends, my family and basically everything i stand for. but most of the time, i see that my relationships and family and types of friends havent changed one bit. i try to change myself a little each time i find something that i dislike; and so far i have succeeded and leaving the little girl behind that i once was. i look at my bestfriend, who is strong and kind hearted but inside she in a wreck; shes emotionally damaged and she has no one to blame but herself. i look at each person i have grown into and i see that along the way i let go of the boys who have hurt the hardest. i look at who i am today and i see that i try to be nice to the people that i see are worth it to care about. i wish that i had the time to write more often without my room mate or boyfriend lurking over my shoulder in the living room or my room. lately i havent had quiet time unless im sleeping. i shouldnt be complaining but it would be nice to have the opportunity to releave stress and pain. i have been put through enough in the last few years, and it seems that it wont be letting up any time soon. but as ive said time and time again; god wouldnt put you through anything that you can not handle.

I almost miss being sad an depressed... It's so much more common to me. Lately I just want to be left alone and by myself; to think and cry and write. I hate relying on anyone else to help me: everyones got their own problems.