1/5 &1/6

I tried Aerial Yoga for the first time today (1/5/2017) I loved it!  I think that my goal for 2017 is to be more creative with my workouts, and to try out new things relating to fitness, and my wellness. I want my health to be top priority, especially if Matthew and myself plan to start a family in the future. My other goal for 2017, is to write more. I know, I've said that so many times before; but I want to remember my life, I want to have something to hold onto. I am so prideful of the entries in my high school journals and even the blogs from beyond those times. All these posts remind me of the happy times, the love I've felt, they've gotten me through my parents divorce, my breakups. Its been a scrapbook of memories and thoughts that I keep safe within myself. I would like to bring all of them together; like a timeline; and organize my life from when I started writing- up until today. This of course will take an abundance of time but it is something that I am so passionate about. At 25 years old, I often find myself trying to reflect on my life this far and I want to take 2017 and cleanse my life. Rebuild my happiness, and fully grieve over my loss of Sean Jr.; try to really start fresh with Matthew again and get back to the healthy "team" we used to be. I don't believe in "new year, new me" because I truly love who I am, because I am the girl that I used to be, with a mix of the woman that I've become. I just want to get back to being healthy again.

2017

I don't specifically have a "New Year's Resolution" because I make goals all year round.  My mind works in such a different way than the people around me. Sometimes I am such a dreamer, when others I am a realist. I don't expect a new year to bring me anything different to my life than what i bring to myself. I am hopeful that my relationship will turn around and bring Matthew and myself back on the same page. I am hopeful that my job will continue to progress at this company now that I have graduated. My plan is to continue to grow as a woman, as a girlfriend, and a person. I just want to be better than I used to be. I want to continue to crush my fitness goals, whatever they may be. I just want to be happy again, and remain happy.

just breathe

I woke up one day and it was as if everything had changed. My relationship was a mess, my head was so tired and I didnt know what direction to head in. Do I move forward and leave this relationship behind? or Do I stay and try to make it work? I have never been one to just give up and be comfortable about how I feel as a person afterwards. I am lucky to be with this man, I am lucky that someone loves me as much as Matthew does. Things are not perfect but my mind set being "I dont need this and that; this isnt enough" was wearing us both down. Mixed with Matt's insecurities, our relationship was at a serious breaking point. I live vicariously through Nicholas Sparks love stories, there is not a single part of me that doesnt wish the kind of love he can portray on myself. I know how happy I have been, and how sad losing that love and happiness has made me along the way. This loss does not mean that I have to suffer forever, this loss wasnt meant for me. This loss, was Sean's future's loss. I often forget that Sean wouldn't want this for me, deep down that above all else, he'd want me to be that happy again. I often forget; because I know that deep down I will never find another soulmate; and that alone is too depressing to let settle in my stomach. I plan to make the rest of this life as full as I can, learning as much as I can and loving more often than I can. Hoping that there is another life out there to take these lessons from and utilize. I pray that my mental health stays in the mind set that is becoming again instead of the one I grew into. I dont want to start over with someone new, I love Matthew and our life, I love being a team and learning this chapter of our lives together. I love watching the man he has potential to be grow. I could move forward and start over, but I honestly dont think anything would change. Id still be the same girl, depressed about the same things, holding back on my relationship and next chapters because I cant let go of the love and happiness that I once had. I need to stay positive, and learn to love this chapter; wherever it takes us.

11/30

I didnt need thanksgiving to be reminded to reflect on all the things I am thankful for because the truth is, everyday I reflect on how lucky I am to be who I am today and those who helped get me there. They say you are a reflection of how you were raised, but I don't see how that necessarily is true. I come from a good , strong family( on both sides) but I did not always make the best decisions for myself. I am thankful for all off the struggles I've endured, all of the love I've received and the true friendships I've found. I am thankful for the greatest love and loss that I've ever encountered in my life because without that, I wouldn't have started to make all these changes I continue to see in myself. I started to weed out all of the toxicity in my life, the friends , the boyfriend dragging me down. I went back to college, I started to put myself first because, who is going to be there when all else fails me? I started believing in family and putting that above friends and going out to bars. And now, I am focusing on graduating, starting a career for myself and my fitness. Not everything in my life is perfect but with the steps I've taken to refind myself, I am grateful to say I have the best friends supporting me along the way, keeping me positive and strong as ever. I'm grateful everyday to have these things and these people in my life. These last 2 and a half years have been far from easy and I've numerous times found myself ready to throw in the towel and give up. All the stress, the work and constant running around, the growing up has left me tired and worn out on most days. I sit back and look at the things I've gained and made better in my life since enduring all of those things- they've made it all worth it. I easy find myself broken down and back to the girl I once was; missing my bestfriend and soul mate. I constantly ask myself why I am still even here. What scares me most is, what's next? What is my next chapter, I'm stuck between graduating - something I started to make Sean proud and finish what he couldn't and a serious step in my relationship. I vowed to live out my life the way he would have wanted me, fearless of the "what ifs". I find myself forgetting that sometimes, to be "fearless". I am scared if I don't have school and work constantly keeping me busy I won't know what to do with myself; I may lose myself again. I won't have something to make Sean proud of me anymore and he won't watch over me any longer. His presence is much needed in my life. My existence exists because of him. I put so much on Sean for who I am, as a person, a girlfriend, I praise him daily for the strength and empowerment I have as a women. 

Some days are much harder than others. It's like I woke up one day and everything changed. I had everything right, a boyfriend, a family with our dogs and a life that most people could only imagine and hope for. But it's still not enough. Is that me being selfish? Or me being cautious? I know what I want out of life and it's so much more than I've had. I want to be with my best friend. Someone who picks me up when I'm down and knows my ins and outs. This person is no longer who I wake up next to. I find myself questioning whether or not I should speak up now, or wait. What if it's too late to speak up, when if things don't fix themselves or workout. I've been Known to fight and fight for my relationships until I can no longer do so; but how can I justify wasting time when I am so torn. I love my life and I love Matthew. But the bad days are too often and the good days are too spread out. I find myself conflicting who I am as a person and who he wants me to be- who he thinks I am. This is unfair to me, unfair for the life I know we both could have for ourselves. 

I know I'm a happy individual, I know what I bring to the table and I know the type of girlfriend I am and the relationship I strive to have; the one that I need and won't settle for less than. There are too many times where I find myself lost and confused if this is really it. 

Xo

I miss you more everyday it seems. Some days I forget that your gone just long enough to make myself believe it. I've said so many times I don't know what's next ? In life, at school, at work, with my relationship and with friends. Just all around, what's next? In the last 2 1/2 years I've changed myself back to the girl I used to be, strong, independent, who goes after her goals. I let nothing stand in the way of my future. These things are because of you; because I want to make you proud, keep you watching me. But with graduation coming up, I question what is next for me? I started this journey to better myself and finish something that you weren't able to do. I just want to live a life that you wouldn't tell me to keep reaching for, because you took advantage of yours. I keep striving for happiness because there is always something missing, I keep reaching for more because I know I've had it. You've shown me so much in our 10 years together and these last 2 1/2 apart than I would have let myself realize. I give you so much credit to who I am and who I keep becoming because it's the truth; I am who I am because I got to watch you, I got to be in love with you. So much love, such obsessive, real, innocent love. One that broke us both but also brought us back together. There is no love like ours Sean and I will never try to duplicate it. Truth is, I will never be that happy in this life again. I just hope that you keep watching and help guiding me every step of the way. I know that I couldn't do this without you. How do I become a mom without having my best friend by my side? How do I get married without you even being there at all? These are mile stones in my life that i couldn't picture doing with someone else before. To say I miss you is not nearly enough for the pain I feel daily from your absence in my everyday life. 

always and forever.

to say " I miss you" would be enough, it wouldnt do it justice. They say the good die young; but I'm not quite sure thats true, To me, and most of us who knew you, thought the world of you. To most of us who got to know the real Sean, we were the lucky ones. But those who got the Sean who was too cool, too high, too good for anyone I feel for you. It is no secret how important he is in my life, how much I appreciate him and how much credit I give him for the person I've become. There are days where I am so thankful for the opportunity to have known Sean at all and there are also days where I'm not sure I will ever see happiness again. I am still a work in progress, trying to get passed this everyday. I am beyond lucky to have fallen in love again and to be with someone who loves me back, who doesn't drag me through the bullshit and who tries to be as supportive as Matthew is. But I want so badly to be as in love and feel as in love and as passionate as i know that I have before and I dont want to settle for something less. So everyday yes, I miss Sean. and Yes, everyday I cry and think about what could have been, I think about where I'd be, who I would be and be with if he were still here. If I would have given up on helping him, or if it would have continued to bring us closer. I dwell on this past, because it was supposed to be my future, because it was always supposed to be my forever, I dwell because it mattered, and I cared. I dwell because Sean mattered and I dont want to ever forget that I am this woman, this humble girl, this caring, loving girlfriend because at 15 I fell in love for the first time, and it was the best and worst experience of my life. Everything about Sean and Shelby mattered, and it always will.

whats next?

My life wouldn't have meaning if I never went through what I have been through. I wouldn't be who I am if I never met Sean DeMerchant, not even close.

I am who I am because of one single human and some people find that so very hard to believe. some people think that i only say that because he is gone now. But the truth is, I am who I am because I spend the majority of my adolescence either trying to prove him wrong, or trying to impress him. I am humble because I chose to be invisible in highschool. I don't like to draw attention to myself, or ever have the spot light on me, i never have. I only wanted one person to see the real me and I have succeeded at that my whole life; Sean is truly the only person whose ever really known me, ever really gotten inside this mind of mine and learned how I think and how I process. I haven't had someone like that since. Sean knew how to get deep down inside and speak to my soul, whether it was to lift me up or break me down- I also haven't had someone able to play that role in my life since either. I remember almost every memory of mine with Sean, whether it was in passing or of us together, because they were all so special to me, Sean is the single person in my life who impacted me most. I am forever changed because of him. I am humble because I've watched something so beautiful and smart become something so ugly in a blink of an eye. I am so careful of who I trust and cling to because I know what a real friend is and I cherish my family more than I ever have because I watched his struggle so much with losing him. Before all of this, I was unsure of where me and Sean would end up because we had grown so far apart, his sickness drew us together again and I honestly held on for dear fricken life. I hated everything about him being away at Oswego, because as much as I  loved seeing him happy and how much he adjusted to changed and accepted different types of people, Sean wasn't "Seany" anymore, he was often just too cool, and it really upset me. I sometimes lost my best friend to a life that I couldn't accept and I definitely was not comfortable with. I wish that i visited more, I wish that we did a lot of things differently, every damn day, I wish that I could have saved Sean. But it brings me to today, I am a better person because of one person. I am me, because I was touched by the life of one single person. and it hurts me everyday that I can never see them again, it eats at me everyday that I cant move forward from losing my best friend. the "what ifs" and the resentment to myself. I really never know whats next.