just breathe

I woke up one day and it was as if everything had changed. My relationship was a mess, my head was so tired and I didnt know what direction to head in. Do I move forward and leave this relationship behind? or Do I stay and try to make it work? I have never been one to just give up and be comfortable about how I feel as a person afterwards. I am lucky to be with this man, I am lucky that someone loves me as much as Matthew does. Things are not perfect but my mind set being "I dont need this and that; this isnt enough" was wearing us both down. Mixed with Matt's insecurities, our relationship was at a serious breaking point. I live vicariously through Nicholas Sparks love stories, there is not a single part of me that doesnt wish the kind of love he can portray on myself. I know how happy I have been, and how sad losing that love and happiness has made me along the way. This loss does not mean that I have to suffer forever, this loss wasnt meant for me. This loss, was Sean's future's loss. I often forget that Sean wouldn't want this for me, deep down that above all else, he'd want me to be that happy again. I often forget; because I know that deep down I will never find another soulmate; and that alone is too depressing to let settle in my stomach. I plan to make the rest of this life as full as I can, learning as much as I can and loving more often than I can. Hoping that there is another life out there to take these lessons from and utilize. I pray that my mental health stays in the mind set that is becoming again instead of the one I grew into. I dont want to start over with someone new, I love Matthew and our life, I love being a team and learning this chapter of our lives together. I love watching the man he has potential to be grow. I could move forward and start over, but I honestly dont think anything would change. Id still be the same girl, depressed about the same things, holding back on my relationship and next chapters because I cant let go of the love and happiness that I once had. I need to stay positive, and learn to love this chapter; wherever it takes us.

11/30

I didnt need thanksgiving to be reminded to reflect on all the things I am thankful for because the truth is, everyday I reflect on how lucky I am to be who I am today and those who helped get me there. They say you are a reflection of how you were raised, but I don't see how that necessarily is true. I come from a good , strong family( on both sides) but I did not always make the best decisions for myself. I am thankful for all off the struggles I've endured, all of the love I've received and the true friendships I've found. I am thankful for the greatest love and loss that I've ever encountered in my life because without that, I wouldn't have started to make all these changes I continue to see in myself. I started to weed out all of the toxicity in my life, the friends , the boyfriend dragging me down. I went back to college, I started to put myself first because, who is going to be there when all else fails me? I started believing in family and putting that above friends and going out to bars. And now, I am focusing on graduating, starting a career for myself and my fitness. Not everything in my life is perfect but with the steps I've taken to refind myself, I am grateful to say I have the best friends supporting me along the way, keeping me positive and strong as ever. I'm grateful everyday to have these things and these people in my life. These last 2 and a half years have been far from easy and I've numerous times found myself ready to throw in the towel and give up. All the stress, the work and constant running around, the growing up has left me tired and worn out on most days. I sit back and look at the things I've gained and made better in my life since enduring all of those things- they've made it all worth it. I easy find myself broken down and back to the girl I once was; missing my bestfriend and soul mate. I constantly ask myself why I am still even here. What scares me most is, what's next? What is my next chapter, I'm stuck between graduating - something I started to make Sean proud and finish what he couldn't and a serious step in my relationship. I vowed to live out my life the way he would have wanted me, fearless of the "what ifs". I find myself forgetting that sometimes, to be "fearless". I am scared if I don't have school and work constantly keeping me busy I won't know what to do with myself; I may lose myself again. I won't have something to make Sean proud of me anymore and he won't watch over me any longer. His presence is much needed in my life. My existence exists because of him. I put so much on Sean for who I am, as a person, a girlfriend, I praise him daily for the strength and empowerment I have as a women. 

Some days are much harder than others. It's like I woke up one day and everything changed. I had everything right, a boyfriend, a family with our dogs and a life that most people could only imagine and hope for. But it's still not enough. Is that me being selfish? Or me being cautious? I know what I want out of life and it's so much more than I've had. I want to be with my best friend. Someone who picks me up when I'm down and knows my ins and outs. This person is no longer who I wake up next to. I find myself questioning whether or not I should speak up now, or wait. What if it's too late to speak up, when if things don't fix themselves or workout. I've been Known to fight and fight for my relationships until I can no longer do so; but how can I justify wasting time when I am so torn. I love my life and I love Matthew. But the bad days are too often and the good days are too spread out. I find myself conflicting who I am as a person and who he wants me to be- who he thinks I am. This is unfair to me, unfair for the life I know we both could have for ourselves. 

I know I'm a happy individual, I know what I bring to the table and I know the type of girlfriend I am and the relationship I strive to have; the one that I need and won't settle for less than. There are too many times where I find myself lost and confused if this is really it.