This year, I changed. I've become the person I used to be; just smarter and wiser than I was at 15. I've had heart ache after heart ache my whole life- clinging to a different relationship in hopes that one will fill the void that the last one left but never finding the solution. I've had some cruddy luck which has caused me to lose a little bit of myself each time. People look at me differently now than they used to. People back home see me as some sad depressing story and avoid me. That or they think I just jump guy to guy since Sean left. Whatever their opinion may be; it's not my business and I don't care. I chose to change my life, I chose to leave David behind and work on finding myself again. At 15, I thought I had the best life. I had the best boyfriend and we were going to last forever. I was hopeful of a future and I was optimistic about my dreams; our dreams. Me and Sean talked about family and what sports our kids would play, we talked about what kind of house he wanted and the White House with blue shutters on the lake so Pa and nana would finally have a camp again for the boats. At 15 I lived a fairy tale and looking back, I wish I never changed. I tell jay a lot; mainly about life in general. For some reason he just understands and doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his responses. We were talking about Matt and kids and a house and getting another puppy and he said "it's weird that him and myself are in two completely different places in life" and he's right. I'm 23, I don't care to go out and drink, to party or go to bars. I have limited friends and I'm finally ready to start a life and have things that I can create and grow with- I'm ready for my next chapter in life. A year ago, I never thought I'd ever say that or see the day so that alone I know I'm recovering. I told David that I wasn't ever going to marry him, always laughed while I said it- but I remember thinking I'd be crazy to marry someone when we argue everyday. After a while it became that I wasn't having kids. Not bc I didn't want them but bc we were together and planned to stay together and I didn't want to have my kids growing up with a father who lies and cheats and grow up in a home where no one is happy. It's sad that I ever considered missing out on a family to stay with someone who did all those things to me. It's amazing looking back on this last year at how different my mind set is. Sean's given me the strength each day to move forward and allowed me to love again- to really love and let someone else love me back.
Matthew,
It takes a special person to take this crazy journey in life with me. I'm not exactly the easiest girl to get along with nor am I perfect. I am scared everyday, I'm sad everyday and I will never forget Sean Jr. or our life together. I will never let that part of me go and if/when I have a daughter il tell her stories about Sean and how important he is, I will explain how special being in love, innocently and so deeply changes your life- it molds you and it becomes a forever friendship. He lives in me everyday and I am forever grateful that he sent such a wonderful man my way and let me decide for myself what my next move was going to be so many months ago. I owe Sean so much but mostly I owe him the strength he gave me to stick life out and not give up because I deserve a happy life and I deserve to be loved and have a family and love someone with all of me. Please don't ever feel like I don't love you enough because I finally have hope again that a real fairy tale life can happen. I finally have the optimism I used to and I finally can love with all of me. Sean is so very important to me but so are you and I don't want you to ever think differently. I had 10 wonderful, crazy, depressing, yet loving years with Sean and although I'd give anything to have him back; I'm so very lucky to have you to spend those same traits and life with. I love you.
