I wish Sean was here; everyday with me. Because I've never had someone who loved me as much as Sean. It breaks my heart to know il never have my best friend back. It breaks my heart to think I will never see him or hug him again. I just want to be whole again. I just want to stop hurting and crying. I want to have the love of my life back- I need him back. I wish he took me with him; I wish he could have seen things differently. I guess I wish I could have changed a lot. Everyday gets harder and harder and I get closer to trying to be where you are. I couldn't love something more than I've loved you. Ive loved you since I was 15 years old and I've never gotten that back. Keep watching over me; be with me. Visit me more because I need you. 

I'm getting closer and closer to letting myself go; I didn't even scare myself. Woke up one morning to see myself write this :

I want nothing more than my best friend back I know who I am supposed to be with. I'm sorry to Dave and the Klapp family. To put them through this ontop of what they have already overcome is selfish of me I know, Jordan - you have shown me strength and love for life. You've shown me more than anything than anyone has ever shown me. Your stronger than us all. To Matthew- I'm sorry I never got to meet you- your family and your brothers are the best people I've ever met. 

To the Demerchant and Jablonski families - I thank you for letting me into your world; to have let me known Sean. I've never loved someone more than I've loved Sean- he was and is my soulmate. I don't know anyone who knows me better than I let him know me. I'm not strong enough without him. He is my core. He is my Noah- he always wanted a White lake House with blue shutters in mayfield. Just like in the movie. My life didn't revolve around Sean- but my love and heart did. This passed two months have been worse than anyother time without him. I wish I never had a second. Without Sean by my side. This is none of your faults. This is mine- for ever losing Sean; for ever letting Him go. I'm so lucky to have you. Tricia, nana, senior, pa, Joshua, aunt kris and Lisa, maddy and meg. - meg- you are so lucky to have Joshua- you'll be so happy to have a life long friend. To you all- this isn't your fault- j just want to finally see my (our) Seany again- finally 

To my sisters(Jillian and family included) I'm so sorry for being so selfish- I love you guys. Your life means more to me than anything. Kaly- don't do this- your stronger than me. You deserve so much more and I love you. Jamie- your children are so special to me. I can't thank you enough for three beautiful people.  To Nicole and Scott- jeSse and Dewdew are so much of my life it hurts that they will never learn who their aunt Shelby really is. CAmeron saved my life at 15; i wanted to die when Sean told me he cheated on me- but life back then with my first nephew seemed more important. I'm sorry I won't be there for Liam and savannah. I'm sorry I won't be there for any of your kids kaly- I'm sorry Kay and jacey will forget me- and Abel will never really know me. But most of all. I'm sorry for never really telling my family how I really felt. 

Gram- I love you. Your my second mom and I am at pEace 

Papi- I wish you would tell kaly and Reece and uncle burr and mom that you love them- bc even though we know you do- it would be nice to hear it 

Gervasio- I know where I come from- I know where I belong. Fix your lives bc your still alive (rand) and make something of yourselves. 

Kaly and Jamie - your life is so beautiful ahead and I'm sorry I won't be apart of it. I'm sorry that I won't watch your kids and selves grow but know I will try my best to watch from above if I can. 

Daddy- im sad you haven't been apart of this life I've lived for awhile but I hope you and Laura enjoy Cocos company: mom can't handle two puppies and I hope you treat her with the best you can. I love you. Thanks for everything

Mom: gaga- I'm sorry for this selfish act I've committed. I know you'll be sad. I know you won't understand. But please don't try to. I want to be where Sean is. I want to be happy. I want Dave to be happy and marry someone who he deserves. I want to see my best friend again. Do what you think is right with my services. Whether it be burned or buried. Please get ahold of Sean's family. Get Ahold of Dave. Reassure him I want him to stand with you. Hold his hand. Text him everyday- make sure he isn't sad like I still am. He is our family. He always will be. 

My passwords -

I have Apps on my phone / blogger is what I've

Written to Sean for over 2 months- word(second page blue icon) is my whole relationship with Sean. You can find things he has written in comments. 

Please feel free to add Sean In pictures you decide to show at my services. As well as Dave and all others. I want everyone to feel important.

David and Sean need to be in my obituary. David is my boyfriend. Please give him credit. But Sean AND family need to be included. 

I want kaly to know how important she has been in all of this l could not have asked for a better sister

If you chose to bury me; I would like to ask to be buried with some of Sean's ashes around my neck attached to the necklace he bought me in Florida for his 16th bday which lies around my neck. If not possible- I understand. But please try. If you want to burn me -

I want grama and Papi to have a piece of me. I want kaly to be able to have some if she would like. I'd like to not be burden to people

I AM SO SORRY IVE BEEN SO SELFISH.