4.28.14

Out of all the letters i wrote and blogs I had I always had more to say about you. I wrote you a thousand letters and most went unread. Il never forgive myself for not giving them to you. Why did you stop "checking up" on me; I still always wrote to you. Hoping you would see them someday. When I go to your house I'm so used to walking into one of your hugs and seeing you all dressed up with a smile on your face. I don't know if I can make in it this world without you. I'm not sure if I'm cut out for life on earth without my seany. I can't imagine what your family is going through; nor can I put myself in their shoes. But I know they have and will always keep me involved in their lives. They shouldn't have to go through with this I shouldn't have to say goodbye to you. I never want to say goodbye. I always made sure I told you I loved you every chance that I could but even when you didn't say so: I knew you loved me just as much. No one fully understands us, or understands what we had and on most days I just let it go without asking questions. I never let go of my 16 year old Sean and I always knew you could get back to that boy again. I never stopped loving you; I never stopped routing for you and I know that now; you know that but I wish you knew it all along and let that help cure you. I know your disease was a constant struggle and i couldn't be happier that your free from it now. I just wish I could be standing next to you telling you how proud of you I am for making it out alive. There are no words to describe what I have for you, no words to say to my friends or your family. I can't function in every day life and i don't know if or when that will ever come back. You carried half of me around with you, you have since 10th grade. I never got myself completely back and I never will. It would be a lie if I said my whole life revolved around you but at times it did. I didn't mind sitting in your room, in the basement watching tv and movies. I didn't mind driving us to the lake or having our sleepovers, watching hockey and football bc I just wanted to hangout with you; spend time with you just to catch a glimpse of my old Sean again. He always reappeared; you knew that you could always be your immature, goofy self around me bc I fell back in love each time. I wish I could lay out tanning again with you once more. You always appreciated being lazy with me just hanging out with Sammie. I just want to laugh and make fun of you again; watch you struggle with not being able to grab me and hold on for dear life bc I always knew you wanted to. Who's going to rub my feet and lay on my legs now? No ones life will be the same. I know you can see it now but it's just sad that we all had to lose you for you to end your battle with life. Your smarter than this, smarter than all of us. 

Rip seany

Sean always knew what to say when I needed him; even when everyone else was afraid to say what they felt. Me and Sean just clicked and I think everyone could see that. Regardless of our past; Sean and me always remained friends, always stayed in touch, whether or not people liked it. There wasn't a chance in people breaking us apart; we just knew that when it came down to it we had each others back before anyone else's. I've never loved someone the way I love Sean. He has a piece of me that no one else could ever take away. He's my first love, my first real boyfriend; we grew up together and put our feelings aside to become best friends bc I couldn't bare life without him and I like to think it was the same for him. Sean had so much to give to life; he had such passion for success and this disease stripped our Sean away from us. I will carry our memories and secrets with me forever like I have these last 8 years. No one really understands me and Sean or our friendship or connection to each other. His family now understands with his help over the last couple years what I really meant to Sean. And over the last year I think I've proven how much Sean has meant to me. I can't imagine what his family is going through, I can't put myself in their shoes. But i hope to always have them in my life. I miss Sean every single

Day; I had such high hopes for him and I know he wanted to be home, to be with his family... And me. Who knows what the future could have brought us, I will never forgive myself for not going out to visit him more often in Oswego. And now il never know what could have been. My best friend, the one person In the whole world who knew me better than I knew myself, is gone. What am I going to do now? No one will ever take the place of Sean, it's impossible. He was just my person. I love you Sean David jr. I always will. Always be by my side; I can't take on this life without you. 093006 ❤️