Today

If I was handed my computer and some along time an hour ago this page would be filled with sappy words that on most days don't bother me. Like I have said so many times in the past; Sean is gone, my memory of him hasn't disappeared but my thought of him are diminished to almost never. I'm scared of how much I care for Dave, how much I love him; it's almost not okay with me; too much for comfort. I'm afraid of being disappointed again and lost, of being left behind and being taken for granite, for being taken advantage of and being hurt all over again. I feel like a 15 year old girl who is only being cautious of her heart. I don't want to talk about how I feel because I'm afraid of being vulnerable; it embarrasses me to think that I could yet again be completely destroyed in a matter of seconds. I can't go through this again; I need to finally find something to keep me grounded; I need someone to make me believe in lasting love again.

I feel like lately we've been stronger, happier, on the same page. But that's due to change at any moment. I question our relationship so often because there has been a pattern all this time and it's hard to break patterns once they've started. I love David; and I know that I have said this so many times but this time seems different than any other with Sean it was young and much different from anything I can explain, Reid was the one I thought I could change; the one I thought I could help and the single most worst relationship I have ever been in, Michael was the person that I just jumped into, and spent too much time with. He wasnt really a relationship and I never knew him. With Dave it's just different; we met and I didn't instantly like him or think he was cute, I didn't think anything of him at all. Getting closer I took the time to know more about him and what he liked or didn't like (other than the obvious partying and drinking); I listened to every little thing that he had said, falling a little more each day for him. Seeing how far I, myself have come while being with him; makes me see and want to be with David much more than I feel I should. The things we have been through; though theyay not be death threatening or the worst things to happen; are not okay with me and they never will be; I will always be hurt and get upset with what has happened and how it makes me feel will never go away; I will never recover from that. But I look at it as i could have it so much worse than I do. Im not with him because I need him or he needs me; I'm with him because of how I feel when I'm with him; because I can't sleep without him next to me and how much fun I have when it's just me and him. I'm with him because I don't want to be with anyone else: because I don't have time to waste on finding a new boyfriend or wasting time on getting to know people. Im tired of bringing new boys around my family and friends. I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong with me.