tired

I've seen better days, but I've also seen worse. Lately, I've kind of just been excluding myself, or wanting to at least. I realized relationships aren't fairytales, but i realized that years ago. relationships are teamwork and more like a business arrangement. I know most people who saw me saying that would be so shocked, they would probably take it as something more than what i actually mean. I used to think that everything had to be perfect, otherwise id just be settling. I've learned that I need to just shut my mouth more and keep my opinions to myself. Sometimes i take for granted how lucky i am to have this life, be in love and have another opportunity at being happy, or at least trying to be. And other times i feel like i cant speak my mind, or have an opinion or speak up at all when i want to without being yelled at or given attitude for it. And at that point i just ask myself whats the point? whats the point in being apart of something that you cant even have an opinion to help someone else. This situation isn't going to matter in another day or two, but its more of the fact that its all the time in every situation. I kind of just shut down and busy myself in work and school and i can already see all of that happening again. Ive learned that things that used to mean so much, and bother me or irritate me are not that important anymore. I have said it 100 times and I will continue to say it my whole life, My whole life changed when Sean died, I changed. I promised myself that i would put myself first, that i would be happy again and make him proud. I just want a good life for myself, i so desperately want to  be happy and i know that i wouldnt have done it for myself. I am genuinely happy, but theres still something missing and its not all the time, but i cannot put my finger on it. Maybe its that Matt used to put so much effort in, and care about so much. he used to go above and beyond and now its like I am just there when he needs something. I know people get comfortable but i cant imagine the day that i stop trying to be the best girlfriend i can be for him. I dont think that i have it in me to survive another breakup and relationship with someone else, i just simply am too tired to give my heart out again. I think that i have tried my hardest to put all of me into this one and i think that now that i am all about this relationship, Matts just not anymore. That alone is killing me.