It's been too long that I've taken time to write to you. I just haven't had enough time to write or say what I've wanted. I couldn't thank you enough for giving me the constant strength and drive to be happy- even if you were still here. I've never been this depressed or hurt in my life and I don't think I will ever fully recover from losing you. For the last 10 years I've had you on my back; pushing me to be something great and to do great things- mostly irritating me at the time- I just didn't want to listen to your crap. But you were right; you were always right; I just hated to admit it. It was so good to hear from you last week; it wasn't so much as closure as it was a reminder that your always always with me. Our bond is so strong and I'm happy that you helped reassure me that I wasn't just making that up in my head, to make myself feel better. I couldn't miss someone more than I miss you; I wish you were here to take back all the pain and wasted time we spent arguing. I'm alone again; but I think this time I chose to be. I know I will never find someone who loves me and who will take care of me and listen and make fun of me and just have a bond no one else understands like I had with you. It hurts me to talk in past tense about it; because I don't want to believe that your really gone- so generally I talk about you like your still here. I will forever live for you and live up to the great life you saw me having. You said I deserve happiness and success; you said I deserve this change in my life - but I'm doing it because I knew you'd want this for me. No one wanted more for me; or saw me (the good and bad in me) like you did. You took me step by step; telling me hair school wasn't something I'd want because mom ended up hating it. You were right- here I am back in school, hoping to make you proud. I've pushed so many people away- mostly Dave; tryin to wrap my head around losing you- because this is something he will NEVER begin to understand. But I miss him too to be honest. I miss having someone to have around and I miss the feeling of loving someone- even if he was so shitty to me. I just know I need a break- to compose myself, Bring myself back together and take care of me. I need to find myself again. But it leaves me with what if? Like, what if I never find what I'm looking for? And what if I'm destined to be alone forever, especially without you? What happens when I'm done with school and done with the changes and the things that's keeping my mind busy? What happens when I have more moments to think about you? and when I realize I really will never get through this? What happens when I need my best friends advise or hug or anything really? I wish I never let you go 7 years ago; go to Oswego; out of my life again. I loved you everyday of my life whether or not I wanted to. I just wish things were different. Be with me; I don't care if I'm being selfish- I need you; everyday with me because the days that I think about dying are the days that I think about being with you even if it's just for one more minute. I don't know if I wish I was with you or saw you beforehand but either way it doesn't change the fact that your not coming back to me more than a memory. I don't want to be sad- I want to celebrate you like you'd want me to - it's just that some days are harder than most. I love you to heaven and back. Il see you soon than junior. Keep smiling